Chad Ochocinco Would be Proud

Why do these guys look frighteningly white? Almost like vampire soccer players.

ATM Blackout

by: the Admiral

I am getting ready to leave for Las Vegas and I feel I may be unable to post any original material during my trip. I know that they have the internet in Nevada, but the reason I may be unable to post is that it is hard to do when suffering from a self-diagnosed illness that I am susceptible to, and have been afflicted with on multiple occasions in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, and various Indian Reservations. It’s self diagnosed because I’ve found no literature on it in either the American Medical Association Dictionary of Illnesses or the American Psychiatric Association Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders.

I call the illness Gambling Depression (GD) and it is characterized by excessive crying, the inability to feel your life can go on, and the liquidating one’s 401K. I’ve surmised that the precursor virus to GD lives outside the body on ATM machines and magnetic strips to credit cards with high cash advance limits. I know this because every time I’ve come down with GD it was after I frequented a casino cage with my credit card and/or a nearby ATM 10 to 20 times within a 90 minute time period.

The strange part is I rarely remember these trips; I think that is because I have found that 15 to 20 bourbons at the onset of GD can suppress many of the symptoms very quickly. This inevitably leads to blackouts, so the only reason I know about the ATM visits associated with GD is that after I wake up with a post blackout hangover I take an inventory of what is in my pockets. I organize everything I can find chronologically by timestamp and try to recreate my evening.

The following was from my bout with GD in May, 2004. The last thing I remember was leaving my friends at the poker table with the intention of going straight to the elevator and to bed because we had been in Vegas for less than 8 hours and I had already lost more than I care to recall. At 11:30 I was at the elevator lobby waiting for the elevator to come when I found a $100 chip in my pocket. I remember thinking; “I’ll just stay 5 more minutes and see what I can do with this. What’s the worst that can happen?” Well, to tell the truth I do not know what happened, but here were my time-stamped clues which I used to try and figure it out.

11:32 P.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – remaining cking balance $4374.84

11:49 P.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – remaining cking blance $3374.84

11:58 P.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – remaining cking balance $2274.84

12:06 A.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – remaining cking balance $1274.84

12:08 A.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – remaining cking balance $274.84

12:12 A.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – Transaction DENIED

12:12 A.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – Transaction DENIED

12:13: A.M. – ATM Receipt - $1,000 withdrawal – Transaction DENIED

12:13 A.M. – ATM Receipt – Balance Inquiry – remaining cking balance $274.84

12:13 A.M – ATM Receipt - $260 withdrawal – remaining cking balance $14.84

12:18 A.M – ATM Receipt - $20 withdrawal – Transacstion DENIED

12:18 A.M – ATM Receipt - $10 withdrawal – remaining cking balance $4.84

12:25 A.M. - – Sbarro receipt - $2.75 – Slice of Sicilian Pizza, Pepperoni

(Background: Even when I lose everything gambling, I usually save enough for a slice of Sbarro pizza. It helps me think and I will usually come up with a brilliant idea immediately after eating it. After seeing this receipt, I had a good feeling my Timestamp Story was going to take a step in a brilliant direction.)

12:33 A.M – I.O.U. - "$750 – Darnell Jenkins, My New Best Friend from Sioux City Iowa"

(Glad to see I made a friend. This guy must be a sucker though, loaning money to someone he has never met? I honestly would pay him back but it’s not my fault he left no contact info. Although, it’s in my pocket, so I must have already paid him back. So this means I must have won money. Sbarro must have saved the day again.)

12:45 A.M – Citation from Las Vegas PD for Drunken Disorderly- $400 fine & police report on back – "The Admiral (assailant) was observed grabbing casino chips at the roulette table belonging to a casino patron and forcibly trying to shove a piece of paper into the pocket of this patron at the same time. Feeling threatened, the patron struck the assailant in the face and knocked him temporarily unconscious. Upon arrival of the LVPD the patron, a Mr. Darnell Jenkins, explained that the assailant had just introduced himself to Mr. Jenkins a few moments earlier when he sat down at the roulette table while eating a slice of pizza. Mr. Jenkins showed us an IOU that the assailant was trying to force into Mr. Jenkin’s coat pocket while he was attempting to steal the casino chips. Mr. Jenkins does not wish to press charges, so the IOU was returned to the assailant and we walked him to his hotel room and told him we would let him off with just a citation for drunken disorderly if he promised not to leave his hotel room again until morning. He assured us he would not be leaving the room and would be going straight to bed.

12:47 A.M – ATM Receipt - $100 withdrawl – Transaction DENIED

12:55 A.M – Casino Cage Credit Card Advance - $10,000 cash, $2300 casino surcharge – Remaining credit $27,300

(Duh, when my ATM maxed out I should have thought of this before that whole IOU stunt. Fucking Sbarro. I can’t wait to see how much and how quickly I turned this 10K into big bucks. I’m dying to see the next time-stamped receipt. Probably a receipt for a Porche)

1:08 A.M. – Casino Cage Credit Card Advance - $25,000 cash, $2300 casino surcharge - $0 credit remaining

(Ouch, Well I’m sure this lasted much longer.)

1:21 A.M – Caesar’s Business Center Receipt - $12 - 20 minutes of Internet Usage

1:24 A.M. – Printout of Ask.Com Search Results for “I seriously doubt it, but is it possible I have a gambling problem?”

1:28 A.M. – Printout of GoogleSearch Results for- “Easiest Ways to Commit Suicide”

2:05 A.M. - Taxi Receipt - $12 – Caesar’s Palace to Las Vegas Pawn Shop

2:12 A.M. – Las Vegas Pawn Shop Receipt - $325 – 9MM handgun

2:28 A.M – Taxi Receipt - $12 – Las Vegas Pawn Shop to Caesar’s Palace

2:57 A.M. – Taxi Receipt - $12 – Caesar’s Palace to Las Vegas Pawn Shop

3:05 A.M. – Las Vegas Pawn Shop Receipt - $25 – Ammo for 9MM handgun

3:25 A.M. – Taxi Receipt - $12 – Las Vegas Pawn Shop to Caesar’s Palace

3:33 A.M. – Caesar’s Gift Shop - $30 – Pack of Cigarettes, Caesar’s Pen, Caesar’s Stationary

4:25 A.M. – Paper with the follow written. “4:25 AM – Sunday Morning - I have emptied my checking account, put huge advances on my CC, and tried to steal money from my new best friend, I don’t deserve to live. If you are reading this I am dead. Good bye cruel world.

4:45 A.M. – Pink Guest Copy of Claim Check from Caesar’s Lost and Found – Time Reported-4:45 AM, Sunday. Approximate Time Lost-3:35 AM, Sunday. Description of Item- 9MM handgun. Last Place Seen-I think I left it in the Gift Shop.

5:35 A.M – Room Service Receipt – Cookies. Warm Milk.

My friends walked in at 6AM after a night of partying, so even though I can’t remember I can only assume that I slept from 5:40 to 6AM. Just as I was coming out of my blackout and before I went back to bed for a few more hours I know one of them said, “You missed a great night sleeping in here like a baby, loser.”

Public knowledge about Gambling Depression is the only way to get research to stem the tide of this horrible disease. The More You Know....................

MML Results Show - Items of the Week - Week 4

by: the Admiral

This Week’s Results: 6-4, +78 units
Season Total: 33-17, +1134 units

MML gave you 6 money line winners earning +478 units and 4 money line losers at a cost of -400 units. Four weeks of picks, four weeks of profits!! I haven’t seen picks this solid since Biff Tannen brought the U.S. Sports Almanac back to 1955.

Now, the Items of the Week. One item you could buy with this week's profits and my alternate recommendation.

­Item of the Week – $75.00 – Carton of Cigarettes

We’ve been told for years how bad cigarettes are for you, but the truth is that they are one of God’s greatest creations. Plus I just saw a commercial that said only 1 out of 3 people that smoke will eventually die from it. I think this was an attempt to scare people, but as the lead prognosticator for Monday Money Lines this was exciting news. In betting terms this is equal to a +150 money line bet and me likes those odds.

But, as a gambler I know you can’t buck the odds and for every 2 smokers that live, 1 will have to die. I’ve decided that I’m kind of a big deal, so I should live and that leaves 1 dead smoker and 1 live smoker. Here’s how I’ve decided to sort that out.

Smoker that gets to live – The Indignant “I smoke in front of babies” Smoker
People choose to have children, and I guess that is their right. Personally I feel that if you are going to perform the rude and socially irresponsible act of bringing an baby into this world that you should have the common decency to confine them to your home for at least 2 years. No one wants to see your crying baby in a restaurant or taking up half a Metro car with their Lexus stroller. So kudos to that smoker who will smoke in close proximity babies. Babies irritate us, he irritates their lungs; a fairer trade off I can not imagine. If its done just right, he can actually get a baby to cough, and what's more adorable than a baby coughing. So, if I’m going to live, I want this guy to come with me. But, with two smokers alive, someone has to die; I’ve narrowed it down to these two.

Dead Smoker Option 1 of 2 - The “It’s okay, I quit” smoker

We all know these fellow smokers who live their lives on the fence between the joy of smoking and the misery of Nicorette. I have to imagine that the only thing more satisfying than a cigarette is a cigarette that you didn’t have to pay for. So, if 1 out of 3 smokers has to die, I think it should be him.

OR

Dead Smoker Option 2 of 2 - The “Does this look cool?” smoker
This guys is usually leaning against a wall outside a bar or alone in the corner at a party and takes very carefully measured drags of his cigarette, engineered specifically to appear casual. Although the smoker may appear to be staring off into space, they will actually be frantically scanning their peripheral vision trying to ensure someone sees them. If the casual drag is ineffective they usually step it up to one of 3 “does this look cool?” exhales; the super slow out of the nose exhale, the look at me I can blow rings exhale, and the hurricane super strong exaggerated quick exhale.

So, while me and smoker that puts babies in their place step out for a cigarette and decide which of these two guys are going to have to die, let's look at the alternate item for this week.

Alternate Item of the Week - $75 – Tomacco Plant

Why buy one carton, when the tomacco plant is the gift that keeps on giving. I have to admit that this may be a selfish alternate item this week because for me, personally, pasta sauce and nicotine are two of my greatest joys in life. That makes tomacco a bargain at any price.

Under the Radar Summer Classic

Upon holidaying in the Outer Banks, DBSF came across an old VHS tape of Maniac Cop 3. He felt it appropriate to shed light on a piece of cinema, that to DBSF at least, had fallen under the movie radar.

The premise for the "immensely popular" movie (back cover's words not DBSF's) is essentially that a "master of occult magic ... returns from the dead to stalk the self serving doctors and corrupt politicians who should be helping officer Kate Sullivan" who is in a coma. Basic stuff.

Although DBSF hasn't had a chance to view the film he was impressed by the movie's tag line of "You can't keep a good corpse down." Apparently Blockbuster video was equally impressed as the sale sticker on the back states that the market value of a used version of the tape in September 1995 was $19.98.

All Time Greatest Frisbee Catch

Imagine if this bro played a real sport. From the Director of Local Media.

Monday Money Lines - July 26

by: the Admiral

I am sitting here in the dark with no air conditioning blogging by candlelight because of the area-wide power outage. I know that the MML faithful have bills to pay so for you I am willing to write here on my Zach Morris-esque dinosaur telephone where just typing ‘MONDAY MONEY LINES’ consists of the following 35+ keystrokes

6-pause–666-pause–66-pause–3-pause-2-pause-999–pause-6-pause-666–pause-66-pause–33-pause–99-pause–555-pause–444-pause–66-pause–33-pause–7777.

Evenings like this I derive strength from continually reciting the compulsive gamblers’ creed, “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of losing a 4 game parlay on a blown save in the 9th inning stays these gamblers from the swift depletion of their ATM card balance."

Even though MML picks have consistently been profitable and not using them for gambling is tantamount to flushing money down the toilet, the legal team insists that I remind you that the Monday Money Lines feature is for recreational purposes only. They do however remind me that this depends on what your definition of “is” is. Before getting to the picks, let’s look at the biggest story coming off the baseball news wire this week.


Facial Hair Signals Landmark Event in MLB History

I, along with millions of other viewers, tuned in expecting to see an ordinary Minnesota Twins baseball game but instead was witness to a piece of baseball history. Surprisingly, Carl Pavano shocked the world by taking the mound in the bottom of the 1st inning sporting the above-photographed moustache. Before the end of the 1st inning the TV announcers cleared up the lingering questions on everyone’s mind; They confirmed that Pavano was neither a member of law enforcement nor had any plans to act in pornographic movies and the implication was clear.


Carl Pavano, in a move reminiscent of Jackie Robinson breaking the baseball color barrier, has bravely decided to be the first gay professional athlete to come out of the closet while still on an active major league roster.

I personally would like to applaud Pavano for having the guts to make this historic move. Homophobia has diminished in society as a whole over the past few decades, but to be openly gay in the macho testosterone-filled confines of a major league locker room makes him a bold and admiral pioneer.

Reverberations of this move will be felt now and for generations to come. Many expect Pavano’s actions will pave the way for similar pronouncements by Alex Rodriguez, Jason Giambi, & Derek Jeter, the three remaining members of what the media has dubbed “the Gay 4”, players who despite widespread knowledge of their homosexuality have refused to come out of the closet.

When I caught up with Pavano to express my congratulations and find out if he would be calling a press conference to make an official announcement or just let the moustache speak for itself I received a puzzling response: “I haven’t officially announced that I’m gay because I’m not. I’m 100% straight. You can’t automatically assume that anyone with a thick moustache who is not a cop or a porn star is gay.”

After informing Pavano that in actuality those facts absolutely do indicate that he is gay he only mustered a less than believable, “Oh, well I was not aware of that.”

I’m not sure who Pavano thinks he is fooling. That moustache will be pitching in front of 35,000 fans every time he plays. The only explanation I can imagine is that he is in negotiations with ESPN to make the official announcement during a one hour Lebron-style TV special. Regardless of when the official announcement is made, the moustache is confirmation enough for me, and I for one would again like to commend Pavano for this groundbreaking revelation.

COL@PHI: Pick COL
NYY@CLE: Pick NYY
CHC@HOU: Pick CHC
BAL@TOR: Pick TOR
CIN@MIL: Pick CIN
DET@TB: Pick DET
FLA@SF: Pick SF
MIN@KC: Pick MIN
SEA@CWS: Pick CWS
BOS@LAA: Pick BOS

MML Results Show - Items of the Week - Week 3

by: the Admiral

This week Monday Money Lines gave you 7 money line winners earning +602 units and 6 money line losers at a cost of -600 units for an essentially Even Stevens +2 units this week.

That’s right, MML has flown in the face of all the scientific probabilities and brought you profits in all 3 weeks of prognostications we’ve provided. While it was only +2 units this week, Nick the Greek will tell you that not losing at gambling is just as good as winning. Plus, absent Colorado & Toronto’s 2 late-game fluke implosions & the Houston, Cleveland, and Arizona’s 3 “Marco Jaric marrying and impregnating Adriana Lima” equivalent miracles we would be celebrating an incredible 12-1 record for week 3. But, we can’t change history. We made all the proper wagers (leisure time activities:{legal team edit}) this week and we all know if the proper wager (pleasurable pursuit:{legal team edit}) won every time, MML would be undefeated.

With the business end of MML out of the way, let's go to the Items of the Week.


Items of the Week

This Week’s Results: 7-6, +2 units

Season Total: 27-13, +1056 units

First, we have an Item of the Week update. In response to threatening letters received from M.A.A.D (Mothers Against Advocating Douchebaggery) which assured a DBSF boycott we are no longer gearing our Items of the Week to douchebags. Some will criticize us for caving, but M.A.A.D. is a respected non-profit group doing important work; and to extend an olive branch I am forgoing my personal item of the week and spending my entire 2 units this week on a donation to this fine organization.

The rest of you can’t be as frivolous as previous weeks, but you do have $2 to burn, so let’s get to the new and improved “douchebag-free & dolphin-safe” Items of the Week. For you newbies, the Items of the Week are 1 item you could have purchased if you had the bravery, guts, nerve, valor, and daring to use MMLs picks this week and an alternate item I recommend.

Item - $1.99 – iPod Download of the “Guido Sensation” video




If you have not had the pleasure of seeing the Guido Sensation video yet, you will want to watch it before continuing. A little background/setup: The Patron-drinking, Yankees obsessed, and self-branded “Guido Sensation” is both saddened and enraged that his cousin Nick would betray New York, the Yankees, and Patron Tequila to attend some worthless, insignificant, unimpressive college in Boston by the name of Harvard; where everyone is a pussy and probably drinks Natty Ice**.

**The views & opinions paraphrased in this blog regarding the city of Boston, Harvard University, Natty Ice, and pussies are solely those of the Guido Sensation and do not necessarily reflect the opinions or official positions of primary blog contributors the Admiral & DBSF, the staff and management of the Dem Bammas Straight Frying blog, or any other subsidiary fully or partially owned by our corporate parent umbrella, Disney Worldwide; although we all do kind of agree that nobody likes pussies or Natty Ice. {legal team edit}

So, it’s not the most luxurious item, but thank to MML, at least you’re buying it with house money. Anytime you are feeling down or wonder what direction you life is going, just pull out your video iPod, press play, and thank the Lord that you are not the Guido Sensation. One caveat; enjoy the video, but be careful never to run into the Guido Sensation in a dark alley; not so much because he is the kind of guy that will ‘kick your ass’, ‘slap your roommate’, or ‘slap your teacha’’, but because as the video can attest to, no matter when or where you run into the Guido Sensation, this guy is not far behind………..

Alternate Item of the Week – 6-pack of Natty Ice - $2.00

While no one is denying the enjoyment and self-esteem boost potential of watching the Guido Sensation, MML is pretty sure you can find it for free on YouTube. So our recommended alternative for your $2 is an ice cold 6 pack of Natty Ice. Light on cost, and lighter on flavor, Natty Ice is like prison toilet moonshine for law abiding citizens. Like most of you, I don’t actually enjoy drinking Natural Ice and suggest you go ahead and buy a bottle of Jim Beam if you plan on actually doing some drinking this week. You are not buying the Natty Ice to drink, you are buying it because it makes you feel good to know that somewhere, somehow, the Guido Sensation's soul dies a little bit every time someone passes on Patron Tequila in favor of Natty Ice. To put salt in the wound, I personally am going to go buy mine while wearing a 1997 Nomar Garciapparra BoSox jersey.

Summer's Deathgrip on Sports

Most people accept that the sports world goes into some bizarre, reverse hibernation come July, with the exception of MLB and WNBA (so basically all of sports). By the time football season rolls around, sports fans are so amped for action that they usually fail to notice things, like the seasons changing and days shortening. Today's Delmarva version of the Washington Post Sports' section best illustrates the conundrum.

Of the four cover stories one is about the Nationals' previous game, one is about somebody maybe returning to the DC United (since when was it okay to report anything more than scores on the back page for MLS?), one looks at the market for football magazines (you cannot honestly expect DBSF to believe that this piece wasn't written three years ago and had a yellow sticky on it with the words "summer filler", and had been waiting to get either recycled, or made a July story in the event of no football players getting arrested or failing drug tests), and the last is about and DBSF quotes "sexual misconduct policies in local and national swimming organizations" (this speaks for itself and deserves no snark editorializing). What's next a multiple day feature on that bike ride in France?

Please Leave me Alone

by: the Admiral

In the preceding video Brian the Dog is the overbearing, overprotective, over-annoying , 40 year old parents with 2 year old kids that feel like they can impart parenting advice to me. I would be Cleveland, because I want to punch them in the dick right now.

Middle-aged first time parents, there is no wisdom you can impart to me. You’ve been a parent a whole 2 of your 40 depressing years on this planet while I’ve been a parent half my life. My mom never believed me when I said there were advantages to having a baby right out of high school, but whose laughing now.

My friends certainly weren’t jealous back then, but while they are now starting their families and being sentenced to 18 to life sentences that will run at least in to their 50s, I am only a few years away from my 36 year old empty nest. Speaking of Empty Nest, maybe I could get a sitcom where I live next to Joe Isuzu and the remaining Golden Girl (RIP Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy).

Anyway, even worse than the direct “advice” I sometimes receive from these newly minted parenting experts, is the passive aggressive advice that they try to give me THROUGH my son.

“Hello Admiral Jr., do you always speak so sarcastically to adults?”

And while I know Admiral Jr. can fend for himself, I feel the need to jump in.

“No, not always, he only does that to annoying tools like you. He knows it makes me laugh.”

The bottom line is that some people may not think it’s appropriate that my son can count cards or hit a 3 game parlay, but I’m teaching him life skills that go way beyond the classroom, so PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Beach Tattoos

Upon finishing his assignment at the Ocean City Convention Center, DBSF couldn't help but notice the high number of "beach tattoos" across town. Beach tattoos differ from normal tattoos (which are typically well done, relevant, and not a symbol for a drug) in that beach tattoos are received before the age of 16 (and, thus, illegally), appear to have the craftsmanship of spastic child, and are always regretted by 17 and a half years young. With that DBSF thought it appropriate to list the five most questionable beach tattoos that he encountered this week.

1. Halluceginic Mushrooms
2. Flaming skull on neck (because at 30 that just screams "employ me")
3. The phrase "Only God Can Judge Me" (bull sh*t DBSF is judging you from his beach chair right now)
4. Dragons not breathing fire (Why the F would somebody get a dragon tattoo and not have it breathing fire, perhaps the second coolest attribute of a dragon next to its razor sharp tail?)
5. Weed leaf on the inner forearm

You're Going to Look Like Cooked Spaghetti

by: the Admiral

Once or twice in a generation (& 275 times during the 80s) a film comes along that speaks to a man, no, all mankind, on a deeply almost spiritual level. Watching these films brings a visceral reaction of joy, introspection, and contentment. Well, the torch has been passed. Citizen Kane --> Casablanca --> Goonies, and now Kevin from Mr. Belvedere in the DBSF world premiere of ‘You’re Going to Look Like Cooked Spaghetti.”

I won’t say anything else because words can’t do this film justice. Enjoy!

Ocean City Dodge Neon Expo, Day Trois (Fin)

On the third and final day of the Dodge Neon Expo in Ocean City, MD DBSF finally made it into the convention center. It turns out that most of the scheduled participants didn't make it to the expo when ten miles outside of Ocean City they encountered a group of Dodge and Plymouth Neons in the parking lot of the Hardee's off I-113, and decided to make a Neon conglomerate and speed up and down various rural interstates
.

For the five or so attendees who weren't outside smoking Newport's when DBSF arrived at the convention center DBSF learned there are two critical components to having a "dope, word" (not DBSF's terminology) Neon.

First, something must be put over the muffler to make it wheeze very loud. Actual engine performance and capability is inconsequential; exhaust volume, on the other hand, is of the utmost importance. Second, stickers-similar to volume-best capture the true essence of the Neon. Stickers are distinguished into three categories, and any real Neon owner should have all three.

First, there should be a sticker promoting a performance engine component that you either do or do not have in your Neon. Second, a sticker indicating that you are brave/ don't take sh*t. The classic is "No Fear"; "Never Scared" also suffices. Finally, a sticker should illustrate the Neon owner's affinity for voluptuous women in thonged bathing suits; usually doing something very masculine like playing poker or fixing a car engine (note: in the sticker the car being worked upon usually appears to be a Ford F-150 and not a Neon; if DBSF had more time he would have investigated this anomaly).

In the end however, DBSF learned that both the exhaust sound magnifying device and plethora of stickers can be supplanted with a spoiler that rises above the roof of the Neon. So there you have it. Signing off from 109th St.

Ocean City Dodge Neon Expo, Day Deux

It's day two of the Dodge Neon Expo at the Ocean City Convention Center and DBSF is still yet to make it inside. With all of the Insane Clown Posse related entertainment, and energy drink give aways it is likely that DBSF won't make it in until tomorrow's third and final day.

For today, DBSF had an interview set up with Trent Judd, the president of the North American Dodge Neon Association, but shortly before the interview was to take place DBSF learned from the waitress at IHOP that Trent had been arrested the prior evening for transporting a Costco delivery sized shipment of Nyquil.

In Trent's place DBSF interviewed Tracee, Trent's gf or friend or business colleague. Tracee declined to give her last name on account of what DBSF believes is Tracee not wanting to get connected to Trent's mass expungement of antihistamine's.

The 4 minute interview went something like this: Tracee asked DBSF for menthol cigarettes. DBSF informed Tracee of his nonsmoking; Tracee informs DBSF that she only smokes menthol's as if that would magically make DBSF have a cigarette.

Tracee wears a black Randy Moss Oakland Raiders jersey that hangs to her knees. She uses the kind of deep, dark purple lipstick that to everyone else classifies as black. Tracee calls it fuscia. Curled mid forehead bangs are prominent; as is the forearm tattoo of Tweety Bird and the word "Bubi" in a slanted cursive that makes you think she gave herself the tattoo.

When asked to provide any insight on this year's expo or to compare it to the prior year's events she disregards the question as if nothing was said, and she asks for a ride to Greg's (presumably in the car one learns directions to Greg's). DBSF believes Tracee also stole the $1.45 tip he left for the waitress at IHOP when he went to the bathroom.

So that's dat two from Ocean City. Look forward to tomorrow's final day where DBSF actually drives a non Plymouth Neon.

I Think I Killed Brittany Murphy

by: the Admiral

Have you ever wished something would happen and then it happened. Like, "man, I wish the phone would ring right now," and then bam, 3 days later you receive a phone call.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy the seminal “Rolling with the Homies” scene from Clueless, I’ve always personally hated Brittany Murphy. It’s rare for me to care enough about someone I know to hate them, so to hate someone I’ve never met takes a lot. It could have been the voice, the butter face (as in, her body is okay, BUT HER face; strugglin'!), or the string of terrible movies she was actually paid to 'act' in.

So last December I was flipping back and forth between Karate Kid Part III & Bloodsport and the tweener channel was some garbage B.M. movie. I can’t remember if I thought it, or said it outloud, but the words were definitely, “Jeez, Brittany Murphy, why can’t she just die.”

I found out 2 days later that she was found dead in her Hollywood Hills apartment. I guess she is rolling with the homies in heaven now.

Detecitve DD Foot

by: the Admiral

I think everyone should do some type of public service. You could do Adopt-A-Highway or a recycling drive to help the environment. You could volunteer at a retirement home or Habitat for Humanity and help your fellow man. The retirement home is extra fun because there are so many senile seniors. There are a million ways to turn that into entertainment, but I personally would make them do Civil War reenactments in the activities room. Anyway, for my part I do my public service by watching America’s Most Wanted whenever I get the chance.

So far we’ve caught 1123 fugitives to date. Even though I’ve never personally caught one, the system doesn’t work unless a few million viewers like me tune in, so I feel secure in taking credit for putting these 1123 criminals behind bars. Even though I'm directly responsible for taking over 1000 dangerous felons off the street, the truth is, for all the years that I’ve tuned in, I never thought I would actually be the person that could call in with specific information that would break a case. That all changed this week.

Before continuing on watch this video of John Walsh speaking to Officer Charlie Feehely of the The U.S. Marshals Florida Fugitive Task Force about his pursuit of the Palm Beach Rapist.

After watching this video you are probably as shocked as I was that the Palm Beach Police Department & The U.S. Marshals Florida Fugitive Task Force after seeing the police artist sketch the victims help create would ASSIGN the Palm Beach rapist (Officer Charlie Feehely) to solve his own case. No wonder the case has grown cold. I doubt Officer Feehely is just going to turn himself in, but it is still pretty brazen to go on AMW to present a sketch of himself to America. It goes without saying, but after seeing this segment I called in immediately.

AMW: AMW, How can I help you?

Me: Please put Officer Feehely on the phone. I have info on the Palm Beach rapist.

Officer Feehely: Hello, yes, you have info on the PBR?

Me: More than info, I know who it is, and I know why you haven’t caught him.

Officer F: (nervously) Why's that?

Me: This will be no surprise to you; the Palm Beach Rapist is you, Charlie Feeley of the US Marshals Florida Fugitive Task Force. I'll give you credit, you have huge balls Chuck, coming on AMW, but you done fucked up. The gigs up. Turn yourself in.

Officer F: (very nervously) This is ridiculous. What makes you so sure?

Me: Come on guy, I saw the sketch. Me, and 6 million other people. You're done.

Officer F: ???

Me: Hello?

Officer F: ??? (more silence)

AMW Operator: That must have been a great tip. He just ran out of here like a bat out of hell.

And that is the story of how Detective DDFoot cracked the case of the Palm Beach Rapist. So, I guess I’m some kind of a hero now. I wonder if there is a reward………………

Dos Equis - Most Interesting Man in the World

by: the Admiral

People the world over are mourning the death of Dos Equis spokesman, "The Most Interesting Man in the World." As crushed as the Dos Equis corporation is they have decided to move on and have annointed this guy the new Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World"

Ocean City Dodge Neon Expo, Day Un

DBSF is on location this week at the Delmar seashore covering the twelfth annual Dodge Neon Expo at the Ocean City Convention Center. For those not in the know, the virtually identical Plymouth Neon is in fact excluded from exhibition on account of its marginally smaller rear window which prevents Neon owners from decorating their autos with additional racing or engine type stickers, like "Summit Racing" or "Edelbrock Performance Exhaust" or "No Fear".

Thus far in the expo DBSF has learned that WWF is now called WWE, that the music groups Stained and Puddle of Mud are still touring, and that apparently it has become kosher, at least in parts of Pennsylvania, for a twenty five year old man, albeit with an awesome (Dodge not Plymouth, of course) Neon, to date an eleven year old girl, er woman, pardon DBSF gentleman with the racing stripped Neon and t-shirt with women in thongs playing poker with the phrase "All In, All the Time" suggestively sprayed across its back.

More to come from DBSF this week from 109th Street in Ocean City.

Monday Money Lines - July 19, 2010

by: the Admiral

The following picks are for entertainment purposes only, in the sense that gambling is traditionally entertaining. First, some selected stories recently picked up off the baseball news wire.

-Civil Rights activist and professional agitator Al Sharpton has gone public to rail against perceived inequities in the ownership ranks among the nation’s fantasy baseball leagues. Stating that the level of minority representation in fantasy baseball team ownership is nothing short of appalling, he has put Yahoo! and ESPN on notice that not enough was being done to correct the imbalance and pro-active steps need to be taken immediately to address the issue.

-The Arizona Diamonbacks received an official rejection to their request to Commisioner Bug Selig to adjust the baseball rules in order to have the standings count not only WINS and LOSSES, but also HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAMEs

-Orioles owner Peter Angelos has announced that the Orioles rebuilding plan has entered a rebuilding stage. He claims this is not just a ploy to save money on payroll, but it’s not promising that he expects the rebuilding stage of the rebuilding plan to bear fruit by 2013 and the overall rebuilding plan to make them competitive enough to finish just behind the Yankees, Red Sox, and Devil Rays by 2020.

- Kerry Wood was honored to receive the ESPY for “most likely to have a surgery named after him.” The surgery has yet to be selected, but the early favorite is that the always frustrating ‘Tired Arm Surgery’ will be rebranded the ‘Dead Wood Procedure.’

- The Cubs are mired in a 41-51 season, despite a $147 million payroll. Frustrated team owners decided they had no other choice but to “bring in the Bobs”, professional efficiency experts skilled in cutting costs. They were less than impressed with Mendoza-line hugging first basemen Derek Lee and his “I’m a people person" response to “What would you say exactly you do here?” The good news is that $17.9 million in savings was made with one move. It turns out that Carlos Zambrano was cut from the Cubs in 2008, but because of a glitch in Accounting he kept receiving a paycheck. Rather than confront Zambrano, they just fixed the glitch.

All picks are for 100 units on the money line, unless otherwise noted.

PHI@STL: Pick STL
MIL@PIT: Pick MIL
COL@FLA: Pick COL
TB@BAL: Pick TB
TEX@DET: Pick TEX
CLE@MIN: Pick MIN
WAS@CIN: Pick CIN
TOR@KC: Pick TOR
HOU@CHC: Pick CHC
BOS@OAK: Pick BOS
NYM@ARZ: Pick NYM
CWS@SEA: Pick CWS
SF@LAD: Pick LAD

Tracy McGrady to Clippers/ Evian Ships Water to Flood Victims

Yahoo! Sports is reporting that the LA Clippers are interested in acquiring the perpetually injured Tracy McGrady to shore up the bench scoring they lost when Travis Outlaw signed with the Nets. Sending one of the worst players (McGrady) from one of the worst teams (the Knicks) to Sports' worst franchise (the Clippers) is like offering a burn victim an all expense paid trip to Cancun.

Rather than intersperse his prose with other witticisms on the disaster of combining the futility of Tracy McGrady with the impotency of the LA Clippers, DBSF will resort to SAT style analogies. TMac : Clippers :: Contents of Charlie Sheen's Glove Compartment : Lindsay Lohan ; TMac : Clippers :: Another + or :) sign on an EPT Home Pregnancy Test : Jon Gosselin.

Where Are They Now?

by: the Admiral


After my recent interview with Mike Tyson Punchout star Don Flamenco the Admiral started wondering what ever happened to some of his other beloved childhood video game stars. After nearly a half hour of extensive research by the entire DBSF Investigative Team, DBSF is proud to bring you an upcoming 2-hour G4/VH1 Special, “Behind the Mushroom, Where are They Now, Video Game Stars?” Let’s take a sneak peek;



Annoying friends and younger brothers who were often relegated to player 2 never really got to know Mario, but were well acquainted with Luigi from the original Super Mario Bros franchise. DBSF caught up with Luigi at his home in Hoboken, New Jersey; a far cry from the Entourage-like life in the fast lane he once enjoyed.

"I was a plumber before all this shit happened, and I’m a plumber now. It was a fun ride, but I'm resigned to the fact that I’m basically the MC Hammer of video games. The Hammer Bros. warned me to get percentage points in my deal, but what did I know, my agent kept telling me they could release the game without a player 2 and I caved. And if I never see that bitch Princess again it will be too soon. When we eloped in Vegas, Mario vowed to never speak to me again; plus, she took everything in the divorce and is living with that fucking midget Toadstool. (squeaky voice) Oooooooo, I’m Toadstool, I’m a CPA. LA-DE-FREAKING-DA!"

From the minute Don King discovered Sonic on a playground in Harlem he knew he had a marketable commodity. His flamboyant style and devil may care attitude made him a hero to the inner city and a Madison Avenue darling. His meteoric rise seemed unstoppable, and despite his long running feud with Keanu Reeves over losing out on the lead role in the movie Speed, Sonic was a triple threat, making money in video games, movies, and music. Most people think the bombing of his 2nd album was what moved Sonic into obscurity, but Behind the Mushroom has learned it started way before that.

"People don't know this, but those Dan & Dave Reebok ads for the 1992 Olympics were supposed to be Sonic & Dave. Shit fell apart when I tested positive for methamphetamines and then I blew out my ACL. 1993 was rock bottom for me, but after I got out of rehab and secured a business loan from Megaman I was able to open my first Sonic franchise. It's not an Olympic gold medal, but we are America's Drive-In."

Thirty-somethings everywhere remember where they were the first time they assembled the elusive TriForce and saved HyRule. The truth is that these days, Link would settle for the life of washed up rapper, JaRule. Hounded by the paparazzi amid rumors that he was discovered in a DC hotel room with a gay prostitute, Link was unable to find work anywhere in Hollywood. Despite multiple interventions by Donkey Kong & Leisure Suit Larry and a brief cameo appearance on Beverly Hills 90210, Link has never recaptured the public's imagination and has been living under a bridge in Reseda. Living under a bridge is a brilliant life for a troll, but a sad chapter in the life of a once promising elf. When we caught up with Link for Behind the Mushroom, he showed that characteristic anger and self destructive nature that torpedoed his career;

"For the last time, I'm not gay, I'm just an elf. This is how we look. This is how we act. I'm no different than Legalus from ‘Lord of the Rings’ and he was voted the sexiest man alive, but I'm a closet homo? Get the fuck away from my bridge"

The role of Dig Dug was a dream come true for this coal miner turned superstar from Buckhannon, WV. After a modest, but successful career Dug saved and invested wisely starting his own empire with the drilling company Dig Dug, Inc, a subsidiary of British Petroleum. He was enjoying a quiet life until a few months ago the Washington Post reported that Dug is embroiled in an ugly legal battle with BP over claims that he was responsible for the Gulf Oil Spill. He’s been “underground” ever since that story broke, but Behind the Mushroom was given exclusive access for our special;

“For the last time, I told BP that I could dig into the ground and inflate dragons. That’s IT! They can keep pointing the finger at me, but I warned them my dig gun would malfunction underwater. And they blame me for the spill, but won’t let me help with the clean up. Just dig straight down and drop a boulder onto the spill. Easy. And one more thing, my name is not Dug and never has been, it’s Doug, Doug Fitzgerald, got it?"

DBSF tried unsuccessfully to track down the Bad Dudes for the BTM special. The latest rumor on the internet is that the Bad Dudes were arrested with Solid Snake from Metal Gear for trying to break the Unabomber out of a Supermax prison after he appealed for their help in a Soldier of Fortune personal ad. Since we can't interview them, I'd like to discuss something that has always bothered me about the Bad Dudes. We all understand that there has to be some suspended disbelief when viewing videogame intro stories, but the Admiral has always felt the Bad Dudes intro story concept was a little over the top. Let’s explore:

Okay, flattopped dude with a bomber jacket and aviator sunglasses. Check. Two lines of text questioning your manhood and ability to solve a serious international incident with nothing but the tank top on your back. Check.

I mean really? The president has been kidnapped by ninjas? I thought before Al Queda that the Soviets were supposed to be our enemy. And while we did send a few marines to Greneda and Panama in the 80s, the U.S. was not fighting any large scale wars as far as I know. How did this conversation with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Cabinet, and the Vice President go down?

“Can we call the Army? Nope, line was busy. What about the Air Force? Sorry, this is their retreat weekend, nobody wants to miss it. Coast Guard Reserves? I got their voicemail, but I wouldn't hold my breath for a call back.”

“You know what, fuck it. Let's leave the military out of this, they haven't been trained to fight ninjas anyway. Let's forget that we have the power of the most incredible military force in the history of the world at our disposal, let's just find two street thugs and throw down a challenge to them. Yea, fuck it, let's just get some Bad Dudes. All in favor. Aye!! Motion passes.”

And if the intro scene to Bad Dudes wasn’t weird enough, what about the ending scene? I could never beat Bad Dudes because I did not want to spend the 13 quarter investment; those quarters were reserved for killing the New World Order with CDs in Aerosmith’s Revolution X video game. Anyway, apparently this was the ending to Bad Dudes; it includes a blonde post-stroke Reagan look-alike & an inexplicable message;

Is it just me, or is there some inside joke about hamburgers that only the Bad Dudes and the President know about? "Hey, Dudes!! BURGERS!!! LMFAO!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Earthquake!!!!!!

5:05 AM: We just had a wicked 15-20 second earthquake in Adelphi, MD.

DBSF broke this story for you first. Sport, Society, and Seismic Geologic Events.

Viva Espana!!!

by: the Admiral

Spaniards everywhere from Sergio Garcia to Penelope Cruz have been beaming with pride over Spain’s World Cup victory. After calling in a lot of favors the Admiral was finally able to get an exclusive interview with Spain’s Don Flamenco for his comments on this momentous event in Spain’s sports history.

The interview was cut short when after the first question Don just kept lifting his gloves and saying in a squeaky almost unintelligible voice, “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon!” Apparently Don was still upset because we went out drinking last night and I kept telling him he looked like Adam Sandler and calling him “Waterboy”.

Top Four Man-Cries

DBSF is unashamed to acknowledge that it usually takes little more than a liter of Evan Williams, and an off look from a stranger, or a John Elway tribute to invoke in him a visceral, impassioned, 'I-don't know-who-the-F-this-guy-is' cry. DBSF means red-eyes, snot drooling off the chin collecting in some t-shirt crevice, uncontrollable seizuring cry. (Nothing that can be played off as debris in the eye, or an allergic reaction.) And, DBSF appreciates other men who are prone to such whimpering sobs. As such he would like to recognize his 'Top Four Man-Cries':

Number 4: The Classic
Most people get caught up in the latter criers Chewbaca scream. But, DBSF thinks the initial "but I still love you" cry reeks of only the most admirable patheticness. Sir, what ever street cred you had is now gone. Now get behind Clay Aiken in the Street Cred Re-Up Line.



Number 3: The I Want My Career Back Cry (fast forward to about 4:45)
DBSF wants to know: How you gonna try to capitalize on MJ like that, Chris (or, Chryis?)? You know those women that the camera panned to and showed them cheering were like, "Don't show me cheering for that bamma. All bitten' women and sh*t." Chris might just want to accept that Double Mint gum was the pinnacle of his career . . . but, if he wants to win back DBSF, a career of Chris Brown crying tributes (maybe, Freddie Mercury or a Sublime cover) will recapture one non-fan. For sure.



Number 2: The I Love Tony Romo Cry
TO makes Dick Vermeil look like Mike Ditka. Another memorable breakdown occurred after a playoff game winning touch down catch when he was with the 49ers. DBSF withheld that one because TO gets so blubbering and nonsensical that the clip is almost car-crash inappropriate to watch. In this clip, TO loses points for attempting to cover up the water works with sun glasses. As a proud man-crier, this represents a most abominable offense to DBSF.



Number 1: The 'Get It Together' Cry
Even for DBSF, an unabashed lover of crying, Adam Morrison is pathetic here. After losing to UCLA in a game that his over-hyped mid-major, Gonzaga, should have lost, Morrison collapses into a fetal-like position and appears to sob while attempting to felate himself. DBSF remembers seeing this live and thinking 'this right here, this young man's crying, takes basketball back 10 years'. Morrison proceeds to then cast himself prostrate and make the 18,000 plus people in attendance indescribably uncomfortable.

Meet the New Boss

***A DBSF BREAKING NEWS EXCLUSIVE***



by: the Admiral

The death of George Steinbrenner has put in motion a series of events that will change the fabric of Major League Baseball forever. The DBSF Sports Desk has learned that George Steinbrenner was apparently the only dissenting vote against a proposal put forth by multibillionaire Bill Gates at each of the last 5 annual MLB owners’ meetings. The previous 29-1 votes should now receive the unanimous approval required to trigger implementation of the Gates Plan. What is the Gates Plan? In a shocking move making waves throughout the sports community Bill Gates intends to buy all 30 major league teams.

Baseball purists who fear even the smallest most common sense changes to anything in baseball are up in arms. Bill Gates did not do anything to appease their fears when the most radical of his proposed changes were leaked to the DBSF.

This biggest concern is Gates plan to remove all managers and coaches in favor of a technology based alternative where all in-game managerial decisions will be made by fan voting through online or mobile devices. Pitching changes, pitch selection, starting lineups, batting & baserunning signs, intentional walks, and even newly conceived home run dances will all be decided my majority vote submitted to Microsoft servers and fed directly to players. Ratings are expected to skyrocket with this dream development for armchair QBs and fantasy baseball fans everywhere.

If you want Albert Pujols to bunt, he bunts. If you want rotund Prince Fielder to steal a base, he’s got to go for it. If you want someone to hit ARod square in the face with a 90mph fastball, vote away. The business reason for this decision is Gates longtime obsession with creating a product to compete with the iphone. The centerpiece of the new Project Pink will be the mlb in-game managerial voting application. When asked how this whole radical idea got rolling Gates said;

I fucking hate that “I’m a Mac” guy from the commercials. Those commercials suck. Do you know he was in Live Free or Die Hard? That sucked too! Ruined that franchise. And I didn't get rich being oblivious; I know the nerdy guy standing next to him is supposed to be me. Ever since those commercials started airing I’ve been having nightmares and flashbacks to high school. Needless to say, it was an awkward time for me. I'm not taking this lying down; you know what they say, don’t poke a sleeping giant. Maybe the ad wizards that work for Steve Jobs will think twice about comparing the richest man in the world to a loser. I was just going to have them rubbed out, but Melinda made me move my entire 2010 Revenge Killings budget into some 3rd world charity. Bless her heart, but she ruins all my fun.

Award winning documentary filmmaker and fervent baseball fan Ken Burns was reached for comment;

This is a disgrace to a game that is as American as apple pie and as beautiful as Lady Liberty. Baseball is Americana. The game is a microcosm of the national conscienceness and its purity and innocence has brought us together in our darkest hours. No, I’m joking, neither baseball or society has any integrity. They can play the game with Terminator 2 cyborgs for all I care.

Commissioner Bud Selig further commented;

Amen Ken. You think I opposed replay for all those years because I wanted to? Steinbrenner scared the shit out of me. Plus, the Brewers are worth less than a single Starbucks franchise without the Yankees revenue sharing money. Hopefully Bill keeps me on as commissioner. If he does we can move forward with my plans for selling ad space on the uniforms and bases, WWF-style on base antics, on-site paramutual betting… the possibilities are endless. And if we can’t get steroids back while at the same time not making me look bad we will be eliminating the outfield in favor of 95 foot fences and titanium bats. Chicks dig the long ball. Plus, I can stop getting calls from all these pussies about how the maple bats splinter.

I don't know about you all, but the Admiral is pre-ordering his Project Pink smartphone today. I am concerned that it is running on Windows 3.1 & Internet Explorer 2 platforms and am a little turned off by the fact that it does not have text messaging, does not play mp3s, and has no apps outside the MLB in-game manager function. It actually doesn't even work as a cell phone and Microsoft refuses to comment on the reported security gaps. They deny there is an issue, but when the beta version was tested they denied that Southeast Asian hackers were responsible for the Yankees starting pitching staff becoming Hideo Nomo, Chan Ho Park, Ichiro Suzuki, Piston Honda from Mike Tyson's punchout, and hot dog eating champion Kobyashi.

MLB All Star Game -- Steroids = Soccer Game

In the five years prior to MLB implementing its drug testing policy, the MLB All Star game averaged 11.4 total (AL & NL) runs per game. In the five years since the drug policy it has averaged 6.4. Last night's 3-1 thriller had the offense of a Germany World Cup match.

Where the heck were Larry Walker or Luis Gonzalez to bash a couple 440 foot home runs? At the very least, DBSF asks for some pre-steroid-free Pudge Rodriguez or Travis Hafner. (That guy, Hafner, on steroids put balls out of the park like he was allowed to tee them up and go to town with a 3 wood. Post steroids, pitchers see him as an offensive threat commensurate to most 160 lbs or less South Korean pitchers.)

Steroids, or the absence of them to be more precise, have become the greatest impediment to MLB All Star game action since WWII. Thus, DBSF requests a moratorium on performance enhancing drugs for the first two weeks of July each season. That way MLB can hope for a game with more hits than strikeouts (this year there were 18 Ks to 13 hits), and ensure that the MVP will be awarded on some accomplishment other than Brian McCann closing his eyes, swinging a bat, and getting a hit off a reliever (Matt Thornton) with a very pedestrian 2.70 ERA.

Stand Inside Your Hate

*Before beginning this post, the Admiral has spoken to the DBSF legal team and they’ve recommended we neither confirm or deny the reports that he and his cohorts were the gentlemen mentioned in the Baltimore Sun review of last night’s Smashing Pumpkins show.

“Something must have been in the air, because the crowd was feeling feisty. A few guys in the back were hurling obscenities and weird, funny heckles, and when Corgan paused in the middle of "Bullet With Butterfly Wings," the audience started booing.”

The love-hate relationship between Corgan and his fans and former fans does not appear to have improved since Viper Bayly’s heckling caused the 2008 DAR show to be interrupted. Now, on to the post.

__________________________________

The Admiral is pretty sure that all of the estimated 6 DBSF readers graduated from high school during the 1990s. As a result you were smack dab in the middle of the Generation X grunge movement. One of the bands at the forefront of this movement was the Smashing Pumpkins. Last night the Admiral foolishly went to see “the Smashing Pumpkins” at Ramshead Live. The quotation marks are because this was a pale imitation of the Smashing Pumpkins, and the marquee should have read the Mo Sizlack Experience featuring Billy Corgan. Sans Chamberlin, Iha, and Darcy it was the most tepid, unraucous rock show the Admiral has ever attended, and at $55 was a borderline disgrace. The Mo Sizlack Experience featuring Billy Corgan did meekly played Hummer, Disarm, and 13 bad songs that resulted in 13 cigarette breaks. Because of this the Admiral is not going to review the actual show, but instead review the entire experience.

First off, the audience. Billy, I think the first clue that you have not made relevant music in almost 2 decades is that the youngest person I saw in the audience was probably 33 years old. If you were still on the cutting edge making quality music I would think you could at least attract a few random 18 year olds or at least ONE 20 to 30 year old. If the makeup of the crowd was not a big enough clue to your fall from grace, the audience’s reaction was.

Most know that DC and Baltimore crowds are well known for planting their feet, rocking back and forth, & staring at their shoes. I’m assuming the spotlights were too bright and Billy assumed no one was moving because this stare at your shoes dancing was going on. The truth is that anyone that was near the stage was facing the opposite direction and sending text messages or playing Minesweeper on their iPhone apps. What I don’t think he could have missed was the intermittent boos and that the crowd gave up after 2 or 3 bad songs causing a majority of the crowd to push their way away from the stage and up to the bar. They probably imagined that if they were much drunker that the show would have been at least mediocre, but as the Admiral’s 18 bourbons and mega hangover can attest to, it did not make a difference.

The entire night was not a complete loss. The Admiral made a new life friend last night, Leroy the bathroom attendant. Our encounter started off swimmingly when I dropped a $5 in the bucket while he handed me a towel to dry my hands and squirted me with CKOne. The Admiral had meant to drop a $1, but has enough bathroom etiquette to not reach in for change. I did feel that $5 was too much for a squirt and a napkin, so I did eat an altoid and grab a candy apple Blowpop. I actually forgot about it and just found it in my pocket and am enjoying it while I type this. Thank God for life’s little miracles.

The original reason for my trip to the bathroom was to hotbox a cigarette in the bathroom stall because of RamsHead’s no smoking policy. After dropping the $5 I figured it would be no big deal and let Leroy know what I was up to. Leroy let me know that you can go outside to smoke and return if you are over 21 (which as mentioned, was everyone) and I had a new best friend. For those that are wondering I did learn quite a bit about the Bathroom Attendant career track. The attendant does own their own inventory of cologne, Altoids, and condoms, but the venue provides the towels. For his part Leroy must keep the urinals urine free, and either report, or take a cut, from any illicit bathroom drug deals. Anyway, next time you visit the Admiral’s house you can meet Leroy; I’ve hired him to freelance in my home bathroom on weekends.

MML Results Show - Item of the Week

by: the Admiral

It was a banner week for DBSF fans that have began to drink the MML Kool-Aid. MML gave you 12 money-line winners earning +1078 units along with 3 money-line losers at a cost of -300 units. Our big money maker was Baltimore +215, but all picks can be verified here.

This Week's Total: 12-3, +778 units
Season Total: 20-7, +1054 units

Let’s take a look at the Items of the Week. For those new to the Results Show, the Items of the Week are actually 2 items. The first item is what a douchebag could own right now if he had the foresight and courage to gamble using MMLs picks this week and the second item is an alternative that MML feels he should have purchased instead.


Douchebag Item of the Week




Fantasy Day at the Spa for Douchebags - $775


If you are going to be a douchebag, you should get douched up by the pros. General manager Kevin Federline confirms the Spa for Douchebags has been churning out bros you wish were dead since 2002. The day begins after you put on your ‘best’ low quality, overpriced Ed Hardy brand tank top just as you are picked up by a tricked out Corolla driven by none other than douchebag extraordinaire, the Situation from Jersey Shore. Before entering the Spa for Douchebag’s (SFD) facility you are inspected by security to ensure you meet criteria under the strict, no exceptions, chest wax policy. After you and the Situation wax each other’s chests and then tell each other how awesome you both are you take some complimentary steroids and head to the gym to work up a sweat.


The Admiral has nothing against going to the gym or being fit, but can't condone the douchebag workout which only includes bicep curls and crunches. The crunches so that no matter what situation you are in whether a job interview, church, or a fancy dinner, you can always lift up your shirt and say, ‘bro, need a 6 pack.’ The douchebag only does bicep curls so that they can always wear sleeveless shirts and look down at their biceps, kiss them, and say, ‘FUCKIN’ BEAUTIFUL!’ It’s sort of like the douchebag version of the Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.


Next, you are shuffled off to the tanning beds where you can perfect that perfect shade of orange that can serve as your tool calling card. Now that you have a nice orange base coat you can finish out your day at the Gotti Boys Salon. They will keep you on the cutting edge of douchebag hairstyles. Depending on the type of douchebag you are you could be outfitted with a variety of cuts including the emo combover, the fading but still popular douchebag ponytail, or the Spike. Not all douchebags have the Spike haircut, but all guys with the Spike haircut are douchebags. So with this cut, you will always be admitted to the annual Douchebag Convention at the Jersey Shore.



After cementing your Spike into place you can then get the ultimate douchebag accessory, the pencil thin chinstrap. This is a classic douchebag facial hair look and has its roots traced back as far back as douchebag fossils excavated from 1990s Riverdale dig sites.
After this day of douchery, the SFD guarantees that you can attract the skeeziest girls from such glamorous locales as Staten Island, North Laurel, and Dundalk, while repelling essentially 99.99% of the fairer sex.


Alternate Douchebag Item of the Week

MML recommends you skip Douchebag Spa, and just use the Douchebag Home Regiment. This way you can spend that $800 on a retainer for your lawyer on that statutory rape charge. But without the Gotti Boys Spa, how do you get the perfect pencil thin chin strap. MML recommends you skip it. As a Pop Culture Insider the Admiral is well aware that the pencil thin chin strap is becoming slowly replaced by the 5 o’clock shadow. For douchebags, the 5 oclock shadow is the new black. The Admiral is not even sure when or how the 5 o’clock shadow became so prominent in the Douchebag Community. Back in the day, the 5 o’clock shadow was the centerpiece of the “dirt bag” look, but everywhere you look it is quickly replacing the chin strap on douchebags nationwide (<-----just look at these guys). This takeover of the 5 o’clock shadow is very disconcerting for the Admiral personally. The Admiral has been known to sport a 5 o’clock shadow especially since I can shave for work in the morning and have a 5 o’clock shadow at lunchtime. The douchebag takeover of the 5 o’clock shadow was the final straw that forced the Admiral to grow a mountain-man beard. As retaliation, the Admiral is considering sporting a pencil thin chin strap until my demands are met, and douchebags relinquish the 5 o’clock shadow.

Should the Admiral sport a pencil thin chin strap until douchebags relinquish their hijacking of the 5 o'clock shadow?
	Yes, I can't wait to see it.
	No, it's a slippery slope.
	I don't care. You owe me 6 minutes of my life back.
pollcode.com free polls

Top 3 NFL Arrests

After JaMarcus Russell was arrested last week for buying codeine cough syrup, DBSF thought it would be appropriate to review some of the NFL's more ignominious arrests. (Author's note: After coaches, officials, advisers, etc continuously counsel young players on all of the actions that might lead the players to incarceration--real drugs, guns, fighting, underage partiers/ ensuring consensual engagement, smoking blunts, boozing while driving--DBSF would have liked to been privy to the arresting officer explain to JaMarcus just how in the heck possessing cough syrup came to be illegal. DBSF imagines that the phrase "Hol' up, nah, nah, hol' up" was in regular rotation at that discussion.) DBSF's top three . . .

3. Plaxico Burress -- Got 18 months for bringing a gun into a club. How did the police find out Plaxico had a gun? Easy. He accidentally shot himself. Essplain to DBSF how he have to go to jail if he shot his ownself?

2. Jamal Lewis -- Lewis used a cell phone to conduct cocaine transactions. Finding out that he was in trouble for using a cell phone likely induced similar bewilderment in Lewis as the whole cough syrup fiasco did for Russell. This qualifies as a "technicality" incarceration. Whatever that guy ran for like 300 yards one game. (DBSF knows . . . it was against the Browns. So it counts for like 220, still.)

1. Nate Newton-- A month after getting arrested with 213 pounds of marijuana in his van, Newton was arrested with 175 pounds in his van. This arouses four questions for DBSF: (1) Was it the same van? If so, DBSF suggests looking into new van hiding spaces (like not on the back seat). (2) Was he allowed to keep a portion of the first 213 pounds (like 175 or so)? (3) If the answer to #2 is 'no', the individual(s) who supply Newton with an amount of weed equivalent to the weight of an NFL wide receiver might want to hold off on future allocations, or advise him to move in smaller quantities so the said NFL-receiver-size-of-pot doesn't get confiscated in future van drives. (4) Marijuana, like most plants, is leafy, light and, thus, not dense. How was Nate able to condense all that pot so it fit in a van? Are we talking like a Ford Aerostar or Dodge Caravan van? Or something bigger like the Chevy Astrostar or, like a Ford Econoliner?

Spain's World Cup Victory: Great for Futbol/ Partying, Bad for Just About Everything Else

With Spain winning its first World Cup Spaniards have flocked to streets, squares, bars, where ever to celebrate their country's victory. Spaniards are gregarious enough as it is so it is likely that they needed little inducement to start a week long siesta.

The problem, as any who've noticed Greece's minor issue of indebtedness, is that--in terms of the world economy--Spain faces a similarly precarious economic situation although its collapse would actually matter on the global scale. (Economically, Greece is about as powerful as Sacramento.)

So, this World Cup might bring about the first financial collapse of a country on account of partying (at least in the AD era . . . Caligula seemed to push Rome pretty close).

In Defense of LeBron

The Internet is awash with invectives castigating LeBron James for leaving Cleveland. Now there are certainly some things LeBron could have done, from a PR perspective, to alleviate his departure, such as conducting it less publicly and remaining in communication with the Cavalier organization that had supported him so thoroughly in his career. (Supposedly, James refuted all Cav's correspondence in the week leading up to his decision.)

But, understand that he as a player has every right--just like every other group in professional sports--to pursue his best interest, which he identifies as winning a championship. Players aside, the two best groups to compare James to are coaches and owners. Elite coaches, like elite players, have no intention of staying on with a team that has no hope of winning. Take Phil Jackson. Why do you think he left the Lakers after the 2003-04 season? Because the team sucked. They needed to be rebuilt. As an elite coach, he didn't need to stick around for the rebuilding process. He preferred rejoining when the Gasols and Odoms came into the picture. Jackson even one-uped LeBron in terms of ill-advised PR decisions by publishing 'The Last Season' in which he attacks Kobe Bryant, whom he had only won 3 championships with.

As for owners, look what's going on in New Orleans (or Phoenix in hockey). The city cannot support two major professional sports teams. The team's ledger is bleeding so the owner wants out. There's no concern about the corp of young talent on the roster, or that--when healthy--they have the best point guard in the NBA. The owners can say that winning is the top priority for them but its not. They play for cash. When the money's not coming in they bolt. So, the next time some myopic blog, like this one, goes off on LeBron for leaving a city that had become so dependent upon him it was almost scary, remember that in pursuing his best interests he's just mirroring all of the NBA's other elite groups.