Monday, June 6, 2011
Sarah Palin Summons Harry Caray; DListed Reminds why you Should Read Dlisted
Visiting Boston on her One Nation tour Sarah Palin created a media furor when she bumbled over what she took from Paul Revere's experience. (In fact, NPR welcomed a history professor who explained that Palin wasn't that misinformed.)
DListed presented one of the funnier assessments of Palin's flub: "I know I'm supposed to fully hate Sarah Palin since she'd rather watch me slit a baby black bear's throat with a broken Budweiser bottle than watch me marry the dude I love, but how can I when she keeps delivering priceless gifts like this? [Here's] Sarah Palin explaining the midnight ride of Paul Revere the same way you'd explain it after 12 sake bombs, a couple of bong hits, a concussion and a bump of crushed Benadryl. To be fair, if someone asked me about Paul Revere, I'd tell them that I loved his work in The Pee-wee Herman Show."
But, Palin's performance reminded DBSF much more of Harry Caray than a concussed Rutgers' student. The bobbling head, incoherence, the look that a nap was in the not-to-distant future, infinitely abstract logic . . . okay so a double line of codeine-laced Benadryl is probably about accurate.
** Youtube blocks all Will Ferrel as Harry Caray skits from airing on Blogger for some reason. See (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hObBw7ZAWDo) for the actual video.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Other Things Ohio State should Blame Terrelle Pryor for
After a decade plus of Jim Tressel's cheating, THE Ohio State University--an athletic institution that also offers courses to 50,000+ young adults--thought the appropriate course of action was to blame one 21 year old for ol' coach's misdeeds. DBSF was all "what the heck?" why not blame Pryor for other offenses/ events/ less conspicuous STDs. Below are some examples from a list that DBSF faxed to THE Ohio State U's President and Board of Trustees.
-SARS--Like totally a big issue, and then nothing. Let's give that disease or virus of whatever it was one last burst of publicity.
-The decision to draft Joey Harrington.
-The person who prevented Kimmy Gibbler's stylist from Full House from receiving the lead designer position at the House of Dior.
-Why the Y2K bug wasn't that big of a deal. DBSF spent all that time worrying that he would lose access to the $67.04 in his checking account on January 1, 2000 and what? Surely, a 10 year old Terrelle Pryor started the hysteria.
-Saved by the Bell: The New Class.
-People who fart on elevators and don't take responsibility or fart and get off the floor before you get on so you walk right into the fart and when the next person gets on they assume you were the farter and like mentally tell him/ herself 'what kind of person is so inconsiderate to fart in such close quarters of strangers?'.
-Keith Van Horn.
-People who put lift-kits on Suzuki Samurai's.
-The decision not to bail out Bear Sterns and Lehman Brothers.
-Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. Basically, whichever one is cured with over the counter antibiotics and causes only minor itching and slight discomfort during urination. If they're both of the JV STD variety then whichever one comes first alphabetically.
-The reason Tori Spelling didn't get Helen Mirren's role in "The Queen".
-LeBron James' "decision" this last off-season not to go to the Minnesota Timberwolves.
-SARS--Like totally a big issue, and then nothing. Let's give that disease or virus of whatever it was one last burst of publicity.
-The decision to draft Joey Harrington.
-The person who prevented Kimmy Gibbler's stylist from Full House from receiving the lead designer position at the House of Dior.
-Why the Y2K bug wasn't that big of a deal. DBSF spent all that time worrying that he would lose access to the $67.04 in his checking account on January 1, 2000 and what? Surely, a 10 year old Terrelle Pryor started the hysteria.
-Saved by the Bell: The New Class.
-People who fart on elevators and don't take responsibility or fart and get off the floor before you get on so you walk right into the fart and when the next person gets on they assume you were the farter and like mentally tell him/ herself 'what kind of person is so inconsiderate to fart in such close quarters of strangers?'.
-Keith Van Horn.
-People who put lift-kits on Suzuki Samurai's.
-The decision not to bail out Bear Sterns and Lehman Brothers.
-Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. Basically, whichever one is cured with over the counter antibiotics and causes only minor itching and slight discomfort during urination. If they're both of the JV STD variety then whichever one comes first alphabetically.
-The reason Tori Spelling didn't get Helen Mirren's role in "The Queen".
-LeBron James' "decision" this last off-season not to go to the Minnesota Timberwolves.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
NBA Finals' Prediction: Master Formula
Augurs, diviners, oracles, clairvoyants, etc of the NBA rely on a range of methods for predicting the outcomes of games and series. Some use complex statistics, others emphasize intangibles, like playoff experience or toughness, but DBSF has, what he believes, is the master formula for projecting a winner.
Like so many invaluable things in this world, it is simple and natural. It consists of four steps. First, you add up the number of former Washington Wizards on each team's roster. Second, you add up the number of former Minnesota Timberwolves on each team's roster. Third, players who were on both the Wizards and Timberwolves are multiplied by 1.5 and added to the sum of steps 1 and 2. Finally, you compare team A's total with that of team B's and whichever team scores the lowest will win. Another way to look at it is:
Not winning = # of Wiz + # of Wolves + (1.5 x # of Wiz/ Wolves)
So for the Heat it goes: Not winning = 2 Wiz (Howard & Bibby) + 0 Wolves + 1.5 Wiz/ Wolves (Miller). Or, 3.5. For the Mavs it goes: Not winning = 3 Wiz (Butler, Haywood, and Stevenson) + 1 Wolves (Brewer) + 1.5 Wiz/ Wolves (Cardinal).Or, 5.5. Assuming DBSF’s master formula is correct this means that fans can expect the Heat to take the series.
Of course, DBSF might have failed to take into account for prior experience with the Golden State Warriors, which probably involves exponents, scientific notation, and the like all of which are light-years beyond the functionality of the complimentary calculator Quizno’s gives out with the purchase of five Sammies.
Like so many invaluable things in this world, it is simple and natural. It consists of four steps. First, you add up the number of former Washington Wizards on each team's roster. Second, you add up the number of former Minnesota Timberwolves on each team's roster. Third, players who were on both the Wizards and Timberwolves are multiplied by 1.5 and added to the sum of steps 1 and 2. Finally, you compare team A's total with that of team B's and whichever team scores the lowest will win. Another way to look at it is:
Not winning = # of Wiz + # of Wolves + (1.5 x # of Wiz/ Wolves)
So for the Heat it goes: Not winning = 2 Wiz (Howard & Bibby) + 0 Wolves + 1.5 Wiz/ Wolves (Miller). Or, 3.5. For the Mavs it goes: Not winning = 3 Wiz (Butler, Haywood, and Stevenson) + 1 Wolves (Brewer) + 1.5 Wiz/ Wolves (Cardinal).Or, 5.5. Assuming DBSF’s master formula is correct this means that fans can expect the Heat to take the series.
Of course, DBSF might have failed to take into account for prior experience with the Golden State Warriors, which probably involves exponents, scientific notation, and the like all of which are light-years beyond the functionality of the complimentary calculator Quizno’s gives out with the purchase of five Sammies.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
How the Lakers are Reverse-Jon Gruden'ing Mike Brown
Before the Buccaneers acquired Jon Gruden in 2002, previous head coach Tony Dungy had established an organization so sure of success that Gruden could have have maintained a year long state of cognitive and physical inertia and the team's defense would still have led them to the Superbowl. Now the Lakers' hiring of Mike Brown presents the opposite scenario. Brown is replacing 11-time NBA champion and guru-coach Phil Jackson, who is retiring--for among other reasons--because the Lakers appear to be in their twilight.
Of course, it's not all June gloom in Los Angeles. The allure of the city and its opportunities in the entertainment industry present an incentive no other organization (even New York) can offer. Further, the roster has 5 all-stars--grant it, guys like Artest, Odom, and Bynum are more of the Wilson Chandler/ Trevor Ariza-is-our-second-best-player variety of All Star--and Derek Caracter, who doesn't practice gender discrimination w/r/t fighting IHOP cashiers. (In Derek's defense DBSF has to believe that Derek's waitress that night probably had the I've-worked-a-triple-since-9am and am not to be messed with look that suggests the opponent, i.e., the hypothetical waitress in this case, would be like religious-zealot dedicated to crushing a windpipe, which in the environs of a late night IHOP results in a very personal psychic crap-storm.)
Consider the situation Brown faces. Besides the fact that he's got an aging team, rumor has it that His Eminence Kobe preferred Brian Shaw to Brown. In the Lakers' organization, crossing Kobe is equivalent to offing Archduke Ferdinand. In other words, Derek Caracter's worse-case IHOP scenario becomes Sunday fellowship at your local Latter-day Saints convocation.
There's also evidence that Brown doesn't have the organization's full backing. His 4-year $18 million contact pails in comparison to Phil Jackson's last few contracts which ranged around $12 million per year. But, DBSF look at all of Phil's rings! True, but if nothing else it is symbolic that the former coach received an annual contract that approached the total contract of the current coach.
Then again rumor has it that super-human Dwight Howard will pick LA as his destination to win a title as the reality of perpetual 40 win seasons and first-round playoff exits with Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas becomes more clear. Of course acquiring Howard is dependent upon the Lakers' performance next season. If Kobe and Derek Fischer's age presents further problems and if Steve Blake doesn't transform into Russell Westbrook as everyone not surnamed "Blake" expects, Howard has to wonder who's going to get him the ball. (DBSF aside: According to Steve Blake's website he can be hired for personal appearances for motivational engagements, grand openings, golf tournaments and the like. The hyper-delusional vainglory of some NBA players rivals even that of Tori Spelling.)
In the end, Mike Brown is placed in a precarious position. If the Lakers don't advance in the playoffs, myopicism will lead the media and public to believe his playoff woes from the Cavs persist. (Ignoring, of course, that in his last two seasons in Cleveland he had the best regular season record in the NBA.) Most people assume the Cavs drastic decline this season was attributable to LeBron's absence, but elementary statistics warns us against potentially spurious relationships (i.e., What if the Cav's failures in 2010-11 reflect not only the departure of LeBron but Brown also?).
In truth much of the Cav's challenges over the past half-decade reflected an organization's decision to allow a teenager and early-twenty something play GM (e.g., LeBron's teammate demands included the likes of Wally Szczerbiak, Donyell Marshall, Drew Gooden . . . basically a list that merits its own blog post). Considering only the Heat averaged more points per game (ppg) than the Lakers among teams in the top-10 of opponents ppg allowed, if Brown can instill the defensive culture that made the Cavs the best defensive team in 08-09 and fifth best in 09-10, he might be able to convince Dwight Howard to come West, which could maintain the Lakers' perennial position at the top of the NBA's hierarchy. But, if they can't attract Howard then Brown will likely receive blame for the shortcomings of a team that became evident to the entire league in the 2011 playoffs.
Of course, it's not all June gloom in Los Angeles. The allure of the city and its opportunities in the entertainment industry present an incentive no other organization (even New York) can offer. Further, the roster has 5 all-stars--grant it, guys like Artest, Odom, and Bynum are more of the Wilson Chandler/ Trevor Ariza-is-our-second-best-player variety of All Star--and Derek Caracter, who doesn't practice gender discrimination w/r/t fighting IHOP cashiers. (In Derek's defense DBSF has to believe that Derek's waitress that night probably had the I've-worked-a-triple-since-9am and am not to be messed with look that suggests the opponent, i.e., the hypothetical waitress in this case, would be like religious-zealot dedicated to crushing a windpipe, which in the environs of a late night IHOP results in a very personal psychic crap-storm.)
Consider the situation Brown faces. Besides the fact that he's got an aging team, rumor has it that His Eminence Kobe preferred Brian Shaw to Brown. In the Lakers' organization, crossing Kobe is equivalent to offing Archduke Ferdinand. In other words, Derek Caracter's worse-case IHOP scenario becomes Sunday fellowship at your local Latter-day Saints convocation.
There's also evidence that Brown doesn't have the organization's full backing. His 4-year $18 million contact pails in comparison to Phil Jackson's last few contracts which ranged around $12 million per year. But, DBSF look at all of Phil's rings! True, but if nothing else it is symbolic that the former coach received an annual contract that approached the total contract of the current coach.
Then again rumor has it that super-human Dwight Howard will pick LA as his destination to win a title as the reality of perpetual 40 win seasons and first-round playoff exits with Hedo Turkoglu and Gilbert Arenas becomes more clear. Of course acquiring Howard is dependent upon the Lakers' performance next season. If Kobe and Derek Fischer's age presents further problems and if Steve Blake doesn't transform into Russell Westbrook as everyone not surnamed "Blake" expects, Howard has to wonder who's going to get him the ball. (DBSF aside: According to Steve Blake's website he can be hired for personal appearances for motivational engagements, grand openings, golf tournaments and the like. The hyper-delusional vainglory of some NBA players rivals even that of Tori Spelling.)
In the end, Mike Brown is placed in a precarious position. If the Lakers don't advance in the playoffs, myopicism will lead the media and public to believe his playoff woes from the Cavs persist. (Ignoring, of course, that in his last two seasons in Cleveland he had the best regular season record in the NBA.) Most people assume the Cavs drastic decline this season was attributable to LeBron's absence, but elementary statistics warns us against potentially spurious relationships (i.e., What if the Cav's failures in 2010-11 reflect not only the departure of LeBron but Brown also?).
In truth much of the Cav's challenges over the past half-decade reflected an organization's decision to allow a teenager and early-twenty something play GM (e.g., LeBron's teammate demands included the likes of Wally Szczerbiak, Donyell Marshall, Drew Gooden . . . basically a list that merits its own blog post). Considering only the Heat averaged more points per game (ppg) than the Lakers among teams in the top-10 of opponents ppg allowed, if Brown can instill the defensive culture that made the Cavs the best defensive team in 08-09 and fifth best in 09-10, he might be able to convince Dwight Howard to come West, which could maintain the Lakers' perennial position at the top of the NBA's hierarchy. But, if they can't attract Howard then Brown will likely receive blame for the shortcomings of a team that became evident to the entire league in the 2011 playoffs.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Dopplegangers of Conference Finals' Head Coaches
DBSF can't help but notice that this year's coaches in the NBA Finals look suspiciously similar to other celebrities. For example, there's Oklahoma City's Scott Brooks and Liam Niesson:
Dallas Mavericks' Coach Rick Carlisle and Jim Carrey:
Miami Heat Coach Eric Spoelstra and John Leguizamo:
And, Chicago Bulls' Coach Tom Thibodeau and Jon Lovitz:
Too bad the Wizards didn't make the Eastern Conference Finals considering that the Google Images archive looks plenty deep with Eddie Money shots.
Dallas Mavericks' Coach Rick Carlisle and Jim Carrey:
Miami Heat Coach Eric Spoelstra and John Leguizamo:
And, Chicago Bulls' Coach Tom Thibodeau and Jon Lovitz:
Too bad the Wizards didn't make the Eastern Conference Finals considering that the Google Images archive looks plenty deep with Eddie Money shots.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
2011 NBA Mock Draft -- Reactions.v1
With the NBA completing it's lottery selection on Wednesday, the internet is a-mmhhhmm with mock drafts. DBSF fancied it would be unique for him to apply his sardonic lower-middle-class-elitistism to a stranger's careful analysis. Without further delay, the first ten picks as projected by Yahoo Sports:
1. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Kyrie Irving (Duke)
The pick that replaces LeBron. That is if LeBron were like a less good Chris Paul. Another way to look at it is if LeBron were Luke Ridnour this would be a definite improvement and recompense wholly, or at least three-quarters wholly for the "Decision" fiasco. The Cavs had the second worst record and will essentially be replacing Baron Davis (who grant it, missed games to pick up his dry cleaning and to celebrate religious holidays of religions he didn't practice) with a 19 year old PG that has half a season of college basketball in his pocket. Thus, the Cavs should be in great shape, statistically speaking, to earn a 0.25 chance (i.e., the highest probability to win the lottery) at the top spot in next year's draft.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves -- Derrick Williams (Airzona)
(equals)
(minus)
3. Utah Jazz -- Kemba Walker (UConn)
Kemba is a two-guard who played the one in college because he fell one inch short of the 6'1" height requirement for NCAA two-guards. He's a non-British Ben Gordon. He's JJ Barea-tough-to-defend, but JJ Barea-easy-to-score-on.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania)
A large Lithuanian. How original. When ever the front end of the draft is loaded with a bunch of 6'10"-plus Europeans you know things are bleak. Remember that for every Dirk Nowitzki (or, for one Dirk Nowitzki) there are countess Nikoloz Tskitishvili's and even more who never make it across the pond. Of course, the latter group provides anecdotal value during the Olympics (e.g., 'although drafted Nemanja Bjelica is yet to play a game in the NBA'. GTK).
5. Toronto Raptors -- Brandon Knight (Kentucky)
He was born in 1991. People born in 1991 don't possess a sufficient competitive basketball resume to judge them for college basketball much less the NBA. The only thing you can be sure of people born in 1991 is that they like love XBox Live and they grew up texting, which means without the technology of automatic spell check they represent the generation that would fundamentally alter spelling of the Nglsh Lngwage. Coincidentally, they also will spur the linguistic rebellion leading to acronyms entering the vernacular at a rate that would make government employees and accountants blush.
6. Washington Wizards -- Jan Vesely (Belgrade)
7. Sacramento Kings -- Bismack Biyombo (Spain)
Word is Biyombo's an excellent athlete with great size but raw w/r/t actually playing basketball. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, 75% of lottery picks in every draft ever. Sure he could become the next Serge Ibaka but much like Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox, Biyombo very well might just become the next Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox.
8. Detroit Pistons -- Enes Kanter (Kentucky)
Saying Kanter is from Kentucky (where he was ineligible to play his only year) is like saying Brandon Jennings it from Italy. Scouts say Kanter has a great NBA body. You know who DBSF thinks has a great NBA body? Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, most starting PFs. Fortunately because the Pistons rarely score more than 75 points a game, the team won't expect much offensive output from the 19 year old Turk.
9. Charlotte Bobcats -- Donatas Motiejunas (Italy)
So . . .many . . . foreigners. Motiejunas is listed at 7'0" 215 lbs. Translated to a normal height that's like being a grown-up and weighing 130lbs. DBSF has a good feeling that Motiejunas won't be called for too many three-second violations next season.
10. Milwaukee Bucks -- Marcus Morris (Kansas)
Upside he's Udonis Haslem, downside he's any other mid-first round pick from the last ten drafts whose size and strength allowed him to dominate in college but upon arriving in the NBA and encountering twos and threes with the same body and athleticism (and with better perimeter play) his game becomes inadequate. The only way Morris sticks in the league is if he rebounds, hustles, and takes charges. So, basically become Udonis Haslem.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Kyrie Irving (Duke)
The pick that replaces LeBron. That is if LeBron were like a less good Chris Paul. Another way to look at it is if LeBron were Luke Ridnour this would be a definite improvement and recompense wholly, or at least three-quarters wholly for the "Decision" fiasco. The Cavs had the second worst record and will essentially be replacing Baron Davis (who grant it, missed games to pick up his dry cleaning and to celebrate religious holidays of religions he didn't practice) with a 19 year old PG that has half a season of college basketball in his pocket. Thus, the Cavs should be in great shape, statistically speaking, to earn a 0.25 chance (i.e., the highest probability to win the lottery) at the top spot in next year's draft.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves -- Derrick Williams (Airzona)
(equals)
(minus)
3. Utah Jazz -- Kemba Walker (UConn)
Kemba is a two-guard who played the one in college because he fell one inch short of the 6'1" height requirement for NCAA two-guards. He's a non-British Ben Gordon. He's JJ Barea-tough-to-defend, but JJ Barea-easy-to-score-on.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers -- Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania)
A large Lithuanian. How original. When ever the front end of the draft is loaded with a bunch of 6'10"-plus Europeans you know things are bleak. Remember that for every Dirk Nowitzki (or, for one Dirk Nowitzki) there are countess Nikoloz Tskitishvili's and even more who never make it across the pond. Of course, the latter group provides anecdotal value during the Olympics (e.g., 'although drafted Nemanja Bjelica is yet to play a game in the NBA'. GTK).
5. Toronto Raptors -- Brandon Knight (Kentucky)
He was born in 1991. People born in 1991 don't possess a sufficient competitive basketball resume to judge them for college basketball much less the NBA. The only thing you can be sure of people born in 1991 is that they like love XBox Live and they grew up texting, which means without the technology of automatic spell check they represent the generation that would fundamentally alter spelling of the Nglsh Lngwage. Coincidentally, they also will spur the linguistic rebellion leading to acronyms entering the vernacular at a rate that would make government employees and accountants blush.
6. Washington Wizards -- Jan Vesely (Belgrade)
7. Sacramento Kings -- Bismack Biyombo (Spain)
Word is Biyombo's an excellent athlete with great size but raw w/r/t actually playing basketball. Where have we seen that before? Oh yeah, 75% of lottery picks in every draft ever. Sure he could become the next Serge Ibaka but much like Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox, Biyombo very well might just become the next Tyrus Thomas or Chris Wilcox.
8. Detroit Pistons -- Enes Kanter (Kentucky)
Saying Kanter is from Kentucky (where he was ineligible to play his only year) is like saying Brandon Jennings it from Italy. Scouts say Kanter has a great NBA body. You know who DBSF thinks has a great NBA body? Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, most starting PFs. Fortunately because the Pistons rarely score more than 75 points a game, the team won't expect much offensive output from the 19 year old Turk.
9. Charlotte Bobcats -- Donatas Motiejunas (Italy)
So . . .many . . . foreigners. Motiejunas is listed at 7'0" 215 lbs. Translated to a normal height that's like being a grown-up and weighing 130lbs. DBSF has a good feeling that Motiejunas won't be called for too many three-second violations next season.
10. Milwaukee Bucks -- Marcus Morris (Kansas)
Upside he's Udonis Haslem, downside he's any other mid-first round pick from the last ten drafts whose size and strength allowed him to dominate in college but upon arriving in the NBA and encountering twos and threes with the same body and athleticism (and with better perimeter play) his game becomes inadequate. The only way Morris sticks in the league is if he rebounds, hustles, and takes charges. So, basically become Udonis Haslem.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Legit Man-Violence
The AP, among others, is reporting that former NBA don't-take-no-mess/ basically-reciprocate-anytime-opponents-rough-up-Jordan-and-or-other-talent forward Charles Oakley is suing a Vegas Casino after he was allegedly taken into his room and beaten by 5 security guards for causing some pool-side disruption.
DBSF has to believe that this was some grown-man ultraviolence. Besides the fact that he is 6'9" two-fifty, Oakley was one of the last old-school-Rick Mahorn-type players who exhibited minimal evidence of discriminating against violence on the basketball court.
Oakley wasn't some modern-day Denver Nugget hurling punches at the air hoping to flex some tatted muscles en route to enhanced street creed; he seemed to embrace physicality because physicality in itself was inherently good. Grant it, Oakley's 47 now, but DBSF doubts Vegas casinos send 5-man clubbing crews anytime benzoylmethyl ecgonine gets the better of Gucci-festooned SoCal trust fund beneficiaries.
Further, considering that Oakley is Michael Jordan's best bud, it probably wasn't in the best interest of Aria hotel and casino to potentially indirectly offend one of America's great gamblers.
DBSF has to believe that this was some grown-man ultraviolence. Besides the fact that he is 6'9" two-fifty, Oakley was one of the last old-school-Rick Mahorn-type players who exhibited minimal evidence of discriminating against violence on the basketball court.
Oakley wasn't some modern-day Denver Nugget hurling punches at the air hoping to flex some tatted muscles en route to enhanced street creed; he seemed to embrace physicality because physicality in itself was inherently good. Grant it, Oakley's 47 now, but DBSF doubts Vegas casinos send 5-man clubbing crews anytime benzoylmethyl ecgonine gets the better of Gucci-festooned SoCal trust fund beneficiaries.
Further, considering that Oakley is Michael Jordan's best bud, it probably wasn't in the best interest of Aria hotel and casino to potentially indirectly offend one of America's great gamblers.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Top 5 All-Time Basketball Video Games
DBSF played video games religiously--albeit, poorly--until game-makers added a fourth button to controllers. Once technology expanded beyond 16-bit and side-scrolling was replaced with three-dimensional angles, which little did the good people at Sega and Nintendo know 15 years ago that their version of 3-D wasn't really 3-D and that it would actually take the likes of James Cameron and a dwindling DVD market to show us what real life actual 3-D looks like--which grant it, is a noticeable improvement but is more living room hologramish a la a Princess Lea's plea to Obi-Wan Kenobi via R2D2 than the empirical tactility of touching say the actual game controller in the first place, DBSF's attention faded to other televisual romcom-based interests.
Although he's lost touch with the gaming world (Does GamePro still rate graphics, sound and gameplay based on the five-part scale of faces ranging from jonesing to orgasmic?), he still feels it appropriate to reflect on some all-time basketball games.
#1 Bill Lambier Combat Basketball (SNES)
Highlight: Based on the title screen apparently one of the creators at Hudson Soft thought that futuristic (the game takes place in 2030) robot-basketball players sport manicured goatees, women's sunglasses, one large hoop earing, and purple-dyed hair (the gentleman over Bill's right shoulder).
#2 Hoops (NES)
Highlight(s): There are actually two. First, the development team at Jaleco was clearly into physical fitness as all players run in place while not playing defense, offense, or really anything besides shooting the ball. Second, is that a young LeVar Burton from Reading Rainbow dunking in a black tank top over a white t-shirt on the cover of the game?
#3 Jammit (SNES, Genesis)
Highlight: This game captures most racial stereotypes of white people who had minimal to no interactions with black people in the 1990s. The players look violent and angry, the background of the court screams urban decay, players have nicknames like "In 2 It" and "Cutthroat", and inevitably there is a boom box next to the court. However, the player is uncertain if the boombox is actually playing or simply there for aesthetics. Oh, and the game is predicated on dunking and three-point shooting--DBSF knows what you're thinking, how did the creators at GTE know about the JR Smith stereotype in 1994 when he was only 9 years old?
#4 Charles Barkely Shut Up and Jam! (Genesis)
Highlight: Probably the most homo-erotic 16-bit basketball game to date. Check out the 'team captain' selection screen (around 15 seconds in). That's a lot of gym-bulk, gay-cut dudes in spandex without shirts for one urban, spray-painted basketball court. You think the two guys that went t-shirt for the photo shoot are self-conscious about something?
#5 Rap Jam: Volume One (SNES)
Highlight(s): You can play one-on-one with Queen Latifah vs. Yo-Yo. 100% serious. The racial stereotyping indicator registers pretty high on this one too. Apparently, rap and hip-hop's biggest stars of the mid-1990s prefer playing basketball on dilapidated courts (although in this game the background shows a decrepit fence, rather than a spray-painted decaying brick wall), and don't have the means for actual baskets so they fasten (what looks like an upside-down) basket to some old oil drums?
Although he's lost touch with the gaming world (Does GamePro still rate graphics, sound and gameplay based on the five-part scale of faces ranging from jonesing to orgasmic?), he still feels it appropriate to reflect on some all-time basketball games.
#1 Bill Lambier Combat Basketball (SNES)
Highlight: Based on the title screen apparently one of the creators at Hudson Soft thought that futuristic (the game takes place in 2030) robot-basketball players sport manicured goatees, women's sunglasses, one large hoop earing, and purple-dyed hair (the gentleman over Bill's right shoulder).
#2 Hoops (NES)
Highlight(s): There are actually two. First, the development team at Jaleco was clearly into physical fitness as all players run in place while not playing defense, offense, or really anything besides shooting the ball. Second, is that a young LeVar Burton from Reading Rainbow dunking in a black tank top over a white t-shirt on the cover of the game?
#3 Jammit (SNES, Genesis)
Highlight: This game captures most racial stereotypes of white people who had minimal to no interactions with black people in the 1990s. The players look violent and angry, the background of the court screams urban decay, players have nicknames like "In 2 It" and "Cutthroat", and inevitably there is a boom box next to the court. However, the player is uncertain if the boombox is actually playing or simply there for aesthetics. Oh, and the game is predicated on dunking and three-point shooting--DBSF knows what you're thinking, how did the creators at GTE know about the JR Smith stereotype in 1994 when he was only 9 years old?
#4 Charles Barkely Shut Up and Jam! (Genesis)
Highlight: Probably the most homo-erotic 16-bit basketball game to date. Check out the 'team captain' selection screen (around 15 seconds in). That's a lot of gym-bulk, gay-cut dudes in spandex without shirts for one urban, spray-painted basketball court. You think the two guys that went t-shirt for the photo shoot are self-conscious about something?
#5 Rap Jam: Volume One (SNES)
Highlight(s): You can play one-on-one with Queen Latifah vs. Yo-Yo. 100% serious. The racial stereotyping indicator registers pretty high on this one too. Apparently, rap and hip-hop's biggest stars of the mid-1990s prefer playing basketball on dilapidated courts (although in this game the background shows a decrepit fence, rather than a spray-painted decaying brick wall), and don't have the means for actual baskets so they fasten (what looks like an upside-down) basket to some old oil drums?
Monday, May 9, 2011
DBSF Comps Week Edition
In the midst of field comps, DBSF lacks time and the cognitive fortitude to construct his normal galatically-altering prose. As such, he is quote-mailing it in (end quote). In the above clip, Andrew Bynum summed-up his career thus far. The often-injured but much-hyped Bynum takes out his frustration over getting swept by forearming an unsuspecting JJ Barea in the ribs on an otherwise uncontested lay-up.
Not only did Bynum fart in Phil Jackson's already spoiled last game by committing a foul that suggested Jackson had literally no control over his players. But, it also made DBSF think that Lakers' practices were way more Arched Rivals than Eastern philosophy meets American ultra-athleticism meets German precision.
Cheap-shotting the 5'10" Barrea is grounds for NBA-style Siberian exile in DBSF's book. In other words, Kevin Love should be a Laker and Bynum should suffer the Timberwolvian existence of perpetual winter only interupted to find out that after losing an NBA record 70 games, yet again you got the third overall pick (the worst-case scenario) and yet again you will be picking a 6'7" tweener who's exceptional collegiate athleticism fails to translate to the NBA, but does impress some scouts on Panathinaikos.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Iconic Photo of Situation Room: Admiral Style
by: the Admiral
The White House has released this instantly iconic photo of the President’s inner circle in the Situation Room observing the raid on Osama Bin Laden.
(click to enlarge)
I do have to be honest though. This isn’t the actual photo. I photoshopped in this lady.
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