A Discussion with Levi Johnston

Two months ago Levi Johnston announced that after accomplishing every known aspiration of the entertainment industry he would run for mayor of Wasa . . . Wasi . . Wawa . . Wa, a town in Alaska, it doesn't really matter.

This week Levi announced his Mayoral platform at the hallmark of political media, The View. DBSF was fortunate enough to catch Levi on a chaw break outside the studio and see how the campaign is going.

DBSF: Levi, last time DBSF checked you had unnapologized, after apologizing for unapologizing post an apology for offending the Palin family. Is that right? Two sets of apologies/ unapologies?

Levi: Triple unapologized last time, bra. So like 5 or 6 unapologies to like 2 apologies. But, after the first apology I said "I'm not sorry" in my head. So, it was like "sorry, I'm not sorry".

DBSF: So 6 unapologies to 1.5 apologies.

Levi: Spits. Gives a look that he had little intention of discussing arithmetic today.

DBSF: Now, you're running to be the Mayor of Wasilla on the anti-platform, platform of you don't have a platform. Is this some postmodern, avant garde poke at campaign hysteria? You know where candidates, like start running for office 3 years before an election and promise everything and anything in the process?

Levi: I don't have to tell no one what I'm gonna do, less I tell 'em.

DBSF: And your qualification, according to you, is that you quote, live in town.

Levi: Takes off shirt and starts showing teeth in a threatening manner.

DBSF: Well, DBSF sees you're busy. Perhaps you can tell us what you would do your first day in office--lower taxes, raise salaries for town employees?

Levi: Strike of midnight, I'm takin' the crossbow and the snowmobile out and going Medal of Honor on any cat or raccoon I see prowlin' the streets. Vig-eh-lan-tee justice!

DBSF: You'd make Charles Bronson proud.

Beavers Scouting Report – Containing the Teen Wolf

by: the Admiral

Since the emergence of the Teen Wolf teams have been overwhelmed when facing the Beavers. The Teen Wolf is without a doubt a real talent in the midst of a breakout season, but unless he signs a free agent contract with the Miami Heat I don’t see him winning any championships. Let’s take a look at the scouting report and game plan.

Strengths –

1) Teen Wolf’s vertical leaping ability (Can dunk from a standstill pretty much anywhere inside the 3 point line)

2) Teen Wolf’s perimeter shooting

• Can hit jumpers all day when left open

3) Balance and general athleticism

Weaknesses -

1) Poor supporting cast

2) Selfish player (tends to not get the other Beavers involved in the flow of the game)

3) Has no left handed dribble to speak of

4) Regularly eschews his amazing vertical leap in favor of an easily blockable 2 handed underhand layup

3-Point Defensive Game plan

1) Ignore Chubby, his love of doughnuts precludes him from making it up the court to be involved in the Beavers’ offense

2) Even though he can be prolific passer, once the Teen Wolf has 10 assists to ensure his quadruple double he does not pass to anyone. Therefore it’s prudent to triple team the wolf.

3) After reviewing hours of tape its painfully obvious that the Teen Wolf is no threat with his left hand. Therefore the triple-team will all focus on his right side either frustrating the Wolf or forcing him to include his inferior supporting cast.

So, just resign yourself to the fact that the Teen Wolf is a freak and will get his; probably 50 points, 10 steals, 10 blocks, and 10 assists to keep his quadruple double streak alive, but if you can limit him to 50 and shut down the rest of the team you have a better than even chance to come out of there with a win.

Discipline and defensive fundamentals are a must; keep your feet moving, keep him in front of you, channel him into traps. While normally very selfish at times the Teen Wolf can be a great heads-up player with good court vision and has the ability to find the open man. If you bring a trapping zone and he is passing, be sure you have solid weak side rotation and your defenders are communicating.

Do keep a hand in his face and respect his quickness (to his right at least). If you play back and give him a step he will usually hit the open jumper, or dunk from a standstill position anywhere inside the 3 point line, often flying over defenders heads, and ending up sitting on top of the backboard with his feet dangling down through the hoop.

Finally, Coach Finstock hates sitting Teen Wolf, but if his star picks up three fouls early, there won't be any other option. So go after him. Follow all of this advice and you’ll see the Beaver Bandwagon is a lot of hype. Follow Coach Finstock’s advice (below) and you’ll see everything else is cream cheese.

“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese. “

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug

by: the Admiral


Tyrone Biggums on Wheel of Fortune

The Second Coming of Ryan Leaf . . . Inevitably in a Browns Uniform

In a twist of fate exemplifying the apogee of football-fan misanthropy, the Cleveland Browns are rumored to be starting rookie QB Colt McCoy this week against the Steelers.

As if McCoy's pre-season QB Rating of 65 wasn't grounds for permanent clipboard holder--who whenever called on to take snaps to warm-up a back-up center inevitably cannot find his helmet and, thus, is seen on camera scrounging beneath bleachers and around giant cooling fans while some kicker with one leg the size of an anaconda swallowing a villager and the other leg commensurate in size to that of a skinny-jeaned Williamsburg math rocker is bending--single face bar and all--behind the center wondering how this encapsulates "other duties as assigned"--McCoy is going up against the NFL's fourth ranked defense.

DBSF is no odds maker, but if McCoy makes it 60 minutes unconcussed, and Browns' head coach Eric Mangini decides against his best interest of punting on first down then DBSF predicts a Leafian performance circa 1998 (vs KC Chiefs) consisting of 1-15, 4 yards, 0 TDs, and 2 pics. 0.0 QB Rating.

Make Your Own Caption 3

by: the Admiral

A)

• I got 99 problems, but a fish ain’t one

B)

• Let's see that smug janitor solve this one.

C)

• “Kiss my wrinkled bony ass Truth.com”

D)

• Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

E)

• “Gollum wants it. Gollum needs it. Must have the precious.”
  

F)

• Not gonna get you a diamond ring,
  That sort of gift don’t mean anything.
  Not gonna get you a fancy car,
  Girl, ya gotta know you’re my shinin’ star.
  Not gonna get you a house in the hills.
  A girl like you needs somethin’ real.
  Wanna get somethin’ from the heart….
  
  It’s my d*ck in a pan!

G)

“My leather jacket is longer and your pompadour is inferior to mine. Therefore, I am the leader of Black Shadow.”

(and Christian Laetner), Basketball Hall of Famer???

by: the Admiral

In the summer of 1992 a group of of NBA All Stars (and Christian Laettner) took a summer trip to Barcelona so that Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley could gamble pesetas (or whatever the pre-Euro Spanish currency was) on bullfights, sell Reebox gear, and inspire a 12 year old Pau Gasol to one day play in the NBA. Oh yeah, and one more thing, the amazing effort of these NBA gods (and Christan Laettner) resulted in an 8-0 record, an average victory of 44 points and an Olympic Gold medal for USA Basketball.

This feat was worthy of a gold medal, but it really bothers me that the 1992 Dream Team as a whole was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame this year. Why? The Dream Team is full already full of players that either are, or soon will be, in the Hall of Fame (and Christian Laettner).

“Yes, I’m raising my hand because I have a question. Why is Krissy Laetner here?”

This Dream Team included Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Karl Malone, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, John Stockton, David Robinson, Clyde Drexler, (and Christtian Laetner).

I don’t mind inducting most of these guys into the Hall of Fame twice, once individually and once as part of the team, but I have serious reservations about Laettner’s prolific NBA career of 10 PPG and 2 assists making the cut.

It’s sort of unrelated, but I also wish Bobby Hurley was dead.

We just discussed the why, but now we know how Magic Johnson gave Christian Laettner A.I.D.S.

Allen Iverson Possibly to Play in Turkey, a Country Close to the U.S.

Yahoo! Sports is reporting that Allen Iverson might sign a $2M one-year deal to party in Istanbul for 6 months, to not train for a team that is being sued by the likes of Lonnie "I will interpret laws on firing automatic weapons around the White House however I like" Baxter, and to inevitably get seriously winded after 2.5 trips up and down the court.

But, Iverson, who is now frighteningly close to teetering into the psychic abyss of Stephon Marbury, playing abroad isn't what interests DBSF. Rather, it was the comments of Iverson's business manager that made the story news worthy.

Iverson's business manager, Gary Moore, stated that "We are in very serious negotiations with [Besiktas, the Turkish team]. Istanbul is beautiful from everything we’ve learned. It’s not that far from the U.S., and the competition is good which makes it all attractive." Gary's first three statements in this brief excerpt merit closer attention.

Statement #1: "We are in serious negotiations." Why not? As Lonnie learned, signing a contract to play in Europe isn't the same as getting paid to play in Europe. This ain't the NBA. If Allen ends up with a diesel Peugot with 259K kilometers on it, and a suitcase of Marlboro Reds in place of $700K Euros, he can't say DBSF didn't warn him.

Statement #2: "Istanbul is beautiful from everything we've learned of it." Istanbul is a UNESCO World Heritage site. In principle, Gary is categorically right. But, Gary's use of the verb "learn" suggests uncertainty. It's like he's a NASA scientist describing a suitable amount of carbon on pluto to support the existence of dust.

Statement #3: "It’s not that far from the U.S." Intergalactically speaking, Gary is dead on. But, most globes will show you that Istanbul pretty much sits on the direct opposite side of the world from America. Again, in proximity to Ursa Minor, he is absolutely right. But, if Allen is under the impression that the flight to Istanbul is like the flight from Philadelphia to Memphis he might want to bring one or two more DVDs on the plane.

Fortunately for Iverson if the NBA's two most famous Turkish exports, Hedo Turkoglu and Mehmet Okur, are indicative of the style of play in Turkey then Iverson is in great shape for 3-point-line to 3-point-line shoot first, play defense last basketball.

Ebay Bargains

by: the Admiral

Let’s take a look at some items that piqued my attention and/or confused the hell out of me while browsing the aisles on Ebay.

Three Keith Van Horn Rookie Cards w/ FREE SHIPPING - $0.99

How is it that with 1 minute and 22 seconds left that this item has received ZERO bids. We’re talking about Keith Van Horn, the Great White Hope, the heir apparent to Larry Bird for white basketball players everywhere. Plus, FREE SHIPPING? I believe the funniest thing about this listing is that the seller has indicated NO RETURNS ACCEPTED. He is so afraid of the buyer’s remorse you will feel after this 99 cent purchase that you will spend $0.42 on a stamp and $3.00 in Paypal transaction fees just to return it.

My guess is that the seller (Ebay username: NetsUnderachiever) is none other than Keith Van Horn himself looking for one of his six fans so he can knock on their door and ask to sleep on the couch.

Adam Morrison, welcome to your future.

Bloodsport VHS - $1.49, reduced from $1.99

I first thought this was a misprint because it did not say $149.00. I know that nobody owns a VCR anymore, but to watch the greatest action film ever made I would buy this VHS, record and Autotune my own audio track, and then play my Autotuned track while I slowly rip out the magnetic tape and hold it up to the sunlight.

People may try to discredit my notion that this is the best action movie ever made, but to their chagrin I would have to warn them that I went through an in depth scientific research project to confirm that this was in deed the case. When I say “In Depth Scientific Research” don’t confuse it with particle physics'; its more in line with the homeless guy that beat Press Your Luck by recording 3 episodes and “cracking” the No Whammy code. Regardless, the conclusion is still sound and the impressive and highly praised thesis resulting from my research will be used by up and coming filmmakers for generations to come. I’m still waiting to hear which scientific journal is going to publish it, but until then, it can be found in its entirety below.

Knight & Day Movie Poster - $2.00

While searching for my Cocktail movie poster to add to my Top Gun and Rain Main ones to complete my triumvirate of 80s Tom Cruise movie posters I stumbled on this Knight and Day movie poster for $2.

When exactly did Tom Cruise go from an 80s heavyweight starring in classic films to an insane cult leader dead set on hunting down Kirk Cameron and converting him to Scientology? Plus they pair him up with Cameron Diaz, who 10 years ago with a lot of makeup might have made a good leading lady, but not so much these days. She is so broke-looking these days that the working title of this movie was “There Used to be Something About Mary.”

DIESEL Jeans – Only “Worned” Once - $39.99

No offense to my readers, but I’ve seen a lot of you, and most won’t see anything strange here, but personally, bad grammar always makes me suspicious. I don’t know if this was just an honest grammatical mistake and should have said ‘WORN once’ or if it was a diabolically genius homophonic mistake and is meant to say ‘WARNED once.’ This ambiguity could cause a future false advertising lawsuit to crash and burn. It gives the seller a perfect out if I’m expecting like-new jeans only to find out they have been WORN hundreds of times, but he only WARNED them once.

“Jeans, don’t fail me now. You’ve been WARNED”

*Wow, that was a bad joke. Those that read it can send reimbursement forms to DBSF Corporate. Just let us know how long it took you to read from the word DIESEL to this point and your hourly rate.*

Batman and Robin (1997) VHS - $0.99

 

Speaking of 80s fixtures that lost their way, what happened to The Lost Boys and Falling Down director Joel Schumaker. I guess his more recent crapfests of 8MM and Phone Booth could have been predicted when he jumped the shark with 1997’s Batman and Robin.

There are exactly 3 guys in the world that think this is a good movie; they are Joel Schumaker (the director), George Clooney (He’s Batman!), and a guy that doesn’t exist. Save your $0.99, here is a compilation of the best 30 seconds of this film.

How Michael Vick's Injury Hurts Philadelphia this Season and Beyond

Through two and a half games this season, Michael Vick was the undeniable MVP because of the value added to his team with respect to increasing the possibility to win. So, when Vick went down last week after getting compacted between two Redskins' defenders things did not look good for the Eagles.

But, a more concerning issue has emerged. With Vick out for one to two weeks the NFL will get another look at Kevin Kolb. Over the off season, rumors swirled that other teams inquired the most about Kolb when it was rumored that Philadelphia wanted to trade one of its three QBs (Kolb, Vick, and someone named McNabb). There was talk of a second or third rounder, and with Al Davis still leading the Raiders with Valdezian direction there's no reason to believe that a first rounder couldn't have been in the cards.

You see, DBSF has a feeling that Kolb might not be quite as good as NFL scouts were projecting last off season. And, with Vick apparently already returned to superstar form it would be shocking if Andy Reid doesn't resign Vick to a long term deal that would make him the franchise quarterback. Therefore, Kolb becomes expendable as the Eagles will want to add protection for Vick or a possession WR in the event that DeSean Jackson continues to run 60 yard flies every route.

Kolb's hype surrounds two games last season. Against the hapless Chiefs he threw for 327 yards, 2 TDs, and 0 picks. Then in a loss to the Superbowl Champion Saints he threw for 391 yards, 2 TDs, but 3 picks. But, here in lies the problem--in 2009 the Chiefs and the Saints were 22nd and 26th, respectively, ranked pass defenses in the entire league. He was abusing bottom tier pass defenses.

In his short tenure this season, Kolb looked Clausenian against (at the time) the NFL's worst pass defense, the Redskins. Most of his pass plays were designed for short, easy throws--hardly the play selection for a QB entering his fourth year in the system. And, when a play was called that required Kolb to look down field, he frequently checked down to RBs to pick up those critical 6 yards on 3rd and 15.

Eagles fans better hope that Vick returns soon not only to salvage this season, but also to do damage control on the waning prospectus of Philly's top trading commodity for next season.

Classic Scene Remake - Gordon Gartrell

by: the Admiral

DBSF brings you the classic scene remake of Denise makes Theo a Gordon Gartrell.