Awesome Vintage Ads

by: the Admiral

Forget the whole breast milk vs. formula debate, once you get your baby home from the hospital just put them directly on 7-UP. The reason this baby is so happy is that he stashed some Seagrams in his sippy cup and is actually enjoying a 7 and 7.

This was the marketing ploy of the century. Have you ever seen a drug addict’s teeth? I’m sure they have toothaches which just perpetuates to vicious Cocaine Toothache Drops cycle. This just takes you back to a simpler time when cocaine was “For sale by all Druggists”, so you wouldn’t have to make an extra stop after seeing your weed dealer.

The message: Any woman that is willing to drop her standards enough to sleep with you is without a doubt a slut.

The only thing that would improve this ad is if were played on TV with Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in the background.

I didn’t even know you could “store-test” your coffee, but if I find out mine isn’t I will certainly be grabbing my belt and doling out some justice.

Even this baby knows that this ad is irresponsible and evidenced by the “N* please” look on his face.

Pears’ Soap. Now strong enough to clean zombies.

I can just imagine this couple on their 15th anniversary.

-John, I want a divorce.

-Baby, what’s wrong?

-You never blow smoke in my face anymore.

There is nothing more embarrassing than a baby with a 5 month shadow on his face. But who has the time to shave their babies’ faces? Just get the Gillette Safety Razor and let your baby go to town on their face. Sharp blades and babies, what could be safer?

Also, no stropping or honing? I thought the Baby Gillette Safety Razor Mach 3 was the first Baby Death Blade with that feature.

“Mommy, mommy, can I please have rabies from Christmas?” I’m not supporting either product, but I have to think a Darling Pet Monkey complete with mini flannel shirt has to cost more than a raccoon. Plus, you don’t even provide an address for them to mail the raccoon, just your phone number and nearest airport. I think this is the 1950s version of the Nigerian bank scam and goes something like this.

(Ring…….Ring……..)

Bobby: Hello.

Baby Rabies Pet Raccoon Unlimited: Hi, is this Bobby?

Bobby: Yes.

BRPRI: Did you order a baby raccoon?

Bobby: Aw shucks yes. I saved for a year. I can’t wait.

BRPRI: Well, your check just cleared. So you can get your baby raccoon now.

Bobby: Great. What now?

BRPRI: I saw some raccoons by the airport. Ride your bike over there and just start looking around. Be careful, they do have sharp teeth, claws, and rabies.

The (Unintentionally?) Scariest Commercial of All Time

by: the Admiral

Before we discuss this product go ahead and watch the above video; it’s an ad for the beauty product Rejuvinique, ak.a. the Mike Myers Halloween face electrocution mask. If you are at work, watch it without sound and you will be disturbed. Then when you get home, listen to it with sound and get prepared to be found dead in the closet like that girl from The Ring.

I have dozens of questions for the sick people at Rejuvinique, but for now let’s just explore some general observations.

• They spell the name of their product Réjuvénique. I took 3 years of high school French and I’m almost positive that there are too many accents. The é is called the Accent Aigui and turns the “ah” sound into an “ay” sound. So basically American companies will overuse it to make words sound like they are coming from a French chef in a Disney movie. RAYJUVAYNIQUE!!!! I can just see the brainstorming session where they came up with the product name. “Hey guys, lets call it Rejuvinute, you know ‘Rejuvinate’ and ‘Electrocute’. “No, no no, people love FRENCH beauty products. Call it Réjuvénique and put in as many accents in it as we can get away with.
• I have to say thank goodness that 19 seconds in when she was putting on her serial killer mask that they included this red arrow to show us how a Velcro strap works. I guess it may be necessary because you would have to be a paranoid schizophrenic or complete psycho to use this product, and those people don’t do so well with either common sense or written instructions.
• I love the part where the dots start to glow on the mask. Since you are inside the mask you cant see these lights unless you are the type of person that stares in the mirror while you electrocute yourself while imagining all the helpless teenagers you will dismember and feed on. Since any horror movie will tell you that serial killers don’t like looking at themselves in the mirror I have to assume this is some sort of headlight to help you see your victims in the dark while chasing after their delicious brains.
• In big red print the ad says “NEVER immerse or rinse in water or other liquids”. The  message is clear, if this product gets wet, you die! So what does this woman do, she hops in the tub and puts on her Psycho Death Mask. I don’t know if she is contemplating suicide or its some challenge set up by her husband, Jigsaw.
• By the way, you must have a fear of death if the FrankenMask touches liquid? I wore a Mike Myers mask for Halloween when I was 9 and I was sweating profusely before I even collected my first Bite Size Snickers. If you expect people to put this thing on, shock themselves, and NOT sweat, your R&D department needs to go back to the drawing board.
• If the women (and one man) in this ad are not in fact serial killers, they must be hostages. Maybe of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs? This suspicion is partially confirmed in the below scene where "It puts the lotion on the mask!”.
• And finally, I know that when I am sitting calmly on my couch being burned and scarred by a torture device that my first thought is, “I should catch up on my Reader’s Digest.” If this product were used by a non-serial killer they would be writhing in pain on the floor in the fetal position praying for death, not trying to bone up on current events.

“This recipe for Chicken Kiev looks delightful, I wonder if I can substitute brain.”

The Statistical Improbability of the Kansas City Chiefs

As of zero-hundred hours Eastern Standard Time today the Kansas City Chiefs, the first cousin's of the Los Angeles Clippers and soon to be spouse of the Pittsburgh Pirates, are the only undefeated team in the NFL. This comes as a surprise to most football fans considering last week a rumor leaked that despite the fact the average American child can name at least 3 football players on each NFL team, the average Kansas City Chief can't name 5 other Kansas City Chiefs.

(Brodie Croyle lost to Jamaal Charles for knowing the most names on the team with 8. Brodie was able to name most punters, and the two defensive backs he threw too most often at practice, but when the judges pressed Brodie on naming the 8th player by his full name, Brodie contended that "me" sufficed. Things deteriorated, existentially speaking, as the lead judge and Brodie went back-and-forth for 15 minutes challenging each other over the existence and non-existence of "me"/ "Brodie Croyle".)

As such, DBSF fancied that it was likely the case that not too many of the odds-makers called the Chiefs as the only undefeated NFL team in October. So, DBSF went to the Vegas archives and discovered that only three NFL bets received a lower probability than the Chiefs being undefeated this late. (Note: for those interested in the arithmetic, the scientific notation of the negative exponent was so great that they actually had to have have negative exponent to the billionth on top of negative exponent to the billionth, on top of negat . . well you get it.)

3) In one quarter, Bristol Palin throws for 3 TDs, runs for 100+ yards, and has no fumbles.
2) Buffalo Bills Punter Brian Moorman runs for 250+ yards on six consecutive fake punts.
1) Carolina Panthers kneel the ball every single play, and they still have more yards than the prior week's non-snap-and-knee game.

Fuzzy Memory – My Two Dads

by: the Admiral

In Fuzzy Memory, I remember a very special episode of a classic sitcom that may or may not have ever happened. Today, My Two Dads.

Does anyone else remember the very special episode of My Two Dads where Paul Reiser (Dad 1) & Greg Evigan (Dad 2) go on Maury Povich to take a DNA test and discover that Dick Butkus is actually the father?

Solving Mysteries

by: the Admiral

The top 5 detectives of all time:

1) The Facebook P.I.

2) Jessica Fletcher

3) Sam Spade

4) The Hardy Boys

5) The Ed Hardy Boys

Now, the world premiere of the trailer for the 2nd Ed Hardy Boys short: The Filipino Girl Who Lost Her Tramp Stamp at Mini Golf

Jumping the Shark Quickie – the Cosby Show

by: the Admiral

This installment of Jumping the Shark may cause controversy because a lot of people loved the Cosby Show, even through the awful final season where the doorbell never worked.

HAHAHAHAAH, the doorbell doesn’t work….hiLARious!!!!!! (<—if there was a sarcastic font, I would have used it on that line). Plus, if he had a problem with the doorbell, why didn’t he just called Vanessa’s ex-fiancee, Dabnus. That boy was a maestro with a screwdriver.

Most people try to pin the Cosby Show’s downfall on Cousin Pam in Season 8. It’s not her fault that the writers were phoning it in long before her torrid abstinent love affair with Sly “gripped” a nation. The actual jumping the shark moment of the Cosby Show can be pinpointed to the first episode of Season 6, which we’ll get back to in a moment.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that even though the Cosby Show jumped the shark at the beginning of Season 6, there were still glimmers of genius within the general downfall. For example, who doesn’t love the Season 6 Episode 18 “CHALLAWWWNGE” episode where Sandman Simm’s dancing skills go toe to toe with the Combustible Huxtable.

I’ve danced the Combustible Huxtable as recently as Friday Night, so I may be biased.

Anyway, I bet you all think that Season 6, Episode 1 was the jumping the shark moment because of the introduction of granddaughter by marriage, Olivia. As much as I longed to reach into the screen and shake that girl’s smug attitude right out of her I can’t blame her; I’ve seen “That’s so Raven” and can’t kick someone while they are down.

The real reason that Season 6, Episode 1 is the jumping the shark moment for the Cosby Show is that is was the final appearance of Peter, the fat neighbor kid. Who doesn’t remember where they were the time Rudy and Peter tried to use the juicer and then he and that too-tight sweatsuit booked it out the front door. That was the first of a long string of fond fat Peter memories from my childhood. When he made his final appearance on Episode 1 of Season 6 I died a little on the inside, and the Cosby Show officially jumped the shark.

“You can’t eat peanut butter without jelly” – Peter talking to Rudy on the Juicer episode.

Top 35 Songs of the 2000s (2000-2009)

by: the Admiral

No jokes today, just real talk; the top 35 songs of the decade.

*Each artist only gets one song because the real top 35 songs were by 6 artists.

1 Radiohead Sit Down, Stand Up
2 The Strokes Someday
3 Postal Service Such Great Heights
4 Outkast Da Art of Story Telling
5 Yeah Yeah Yeahs Maps
6 The Killers Mr. Brightside
7 Bloc Party Banquet
8 The Shins New Slang
9 Coldplay Don't Panic
10 The Roots The Seed. 2.0
11 Daft Punk One More Time
12 Jay Z 99 Problems
13 Beck Guess I'm Doing Fine
14 Evan Dando All My Life
15 MIA Paper Airplanes
16 Gnarls Barkley Crazy
17 Beyonce Single Ladies
18 Frou Frou Let Go
19 Ben Harper Steal My Kisses
20 Spitbitch Drone
21 Arcade Fire Rebellion
22 Norah Jones Don't Know Why
23 Johnny Cash Hurt
24 Kings of Leon Bucket
25 Modest Mouse Float On
26 White Stripes Fell in Love With A Girl
27 Interpol Stella Was A Diver….
28 Mos Def Twilight Speedball
29 Snow Patrol Chasing Cars
30 Nick Drake One of These Things First
31 Death Cab for Cutie Transantalticsim
32 SilverSun Picksups Lazy Eye
33 Doves There Goes the Fear
34 Kanye West Good Life
35 LCD Soundsytem Someone Great

Guilt

by: the Admiral

Rashaan Salaam has been battling his conscience for years and ever since Reggie Bush returned his Heisman he could not take it anymore.

The former Colorado running back has announced he will be forfeiting the 1994 Heisman Trophy, stating he's felt nothing but guilt and embarrassment since receiving the honor following his junior season. The Heisman Trust is considering giving the award to Steve McNair, but first must figure out how Salaam received it in the first place.

Jumping the Shark Quickie - Duck Tales

by: the Admiral

Jumping the Shark
The beginning of the end for a television program where the plot spins off into absurd story lines and ridiculous characterizations. The term refers to the episode of Happy Days where Fonzi literally jumped a shark.

Some might think that Fenton Crackshell "aka Gizmoduck" was the death knell of Duck Tales, but those in the know can tell you that the once brilliant cartoon jumped the shark with the introduction of Bubba the Caveduck.

That's all I have to say; it's called a Quickie for a reason.

Rams RB Steven Jackson Unsure if He Will Play on Sunday

The AP is reporting that a groin injury has led St. Louis Rams' RB Steven Jackson to be uncertain if he will play on Sunday against Seattle. Yeah, groin injury. Sure, sure. But, there's also the issue of A) you play for the Rams, and B) that Sam Bradford's primary threat to opposing defenses is that he will expose just how poor NFL defensive backs are at catching footballs.

So, you mean to tell DBSF that Jackson doesn't want to go out on Sunday and face 10 in the box, and have to break three tackles to make it to the line of scrimmage? Opposing teams are so indifferent to the Rams Pan-Am quality aerial brigade that they usually only cover one receiver and assume that Bradford will either fail to check-down and simply murder-stare his one-receiver, or that he'll throw one of those balls where the only feasible recipient is a heavy-set guy in a team golf-shirt with a headset holding a laminated piece of legal paper with 600 plays on it.

But, the good news for Jackson is that Bradford isn't the Carolina Panthers' Jimmy Clausen. Clausen combines the accuracy of Tavaris Jackson with the decision-making of Heath Schuler. Most teams don't even send out a defense when the Panthers are on offense. They just throw out there special teams and let their kick returner call plays until 4th and 16 rolls around.