Yahoo! Dating Advice

by: The Admiral

Right or wrong the Admiral chooses to receive his news from either DBSF or the Yahoo! Home page. The Yahoo! Home page usually includes four random news stories as useless as “iCarly gets a new haircut” to interesting scientific news like “Ancient shark fossil with buck teeth discovered.” Basically, it’s hit or miss. But, what I want to discuss is the “Yahoo! Personals Dating Tips” which show up in on the Yahoo! Home page news about every six weeks. I’ve come to the conclusion that Yahoo! wants people to sign up for Yahoo! Personals, use their tips, ensure they never get a second date, and then continue their subscription to Yahoo! Personals. An ingenious business plan really, but let’s explore these gems of dating advice for men from a woman’s perspective.

5 Biggest Dating Mistakes that Single Men Make by Yahoo’s Andrea Syrtash

1. Men Show Off or Try to Impress Too Much. Thank you Yahoo! Thank you Andrea! Brilliant! Next time instead of showing off and impressing my date, I will just ignore her except to let her know that I have no car, I am unemployed, I have no useful talents or skills, and may or may not be married.

2. Men Don't Listen to Us When We're Talking. I didn’t hear that one, so I’m moving on to number 3 & 4. First, I think a clarification needs to be made. Andrea, the truth is “Men Don’t Listen to Us” may just be “Men Don’t Listen to You.” Men will be more than attentive for your more interesting and attractive friend. And when I say attentive what I really mean is that while she rambles on about American Idol and her aspirations to go to beauty school, we will make eye contact and nod while mentally making adjustments to our fantasy baseball strategy.

3. Men Aren't Chivalrous. 4. Men Don't Take Initiative. Leave it to Yahoo Personal’s Secret Business Plan to contradict themselves in a five line article. You want us to show initiative and be chivalrous, but not show off or try to impress you. I’m assuming that this means we’re supposed to find some magical and very narrow middle ground. I guess we can split this one down the middle Andrea; I’ll hold the door for you, but you pick up the check.

5. Men Say They'll Call and Then Don't. As I’ve mentioned, the Yahoo! article was written by Andrea, a woman. She has the misconception that her last one night stand didn’t call her because--while he was really, really into her, nobody had ever told him that he could call for a second date. Andrea assumes that most men are living under the delusion that after you say you will call that your only real option to get a second date is to not call, but send a singing telegram.

Guys aren’t that smart or complicated; if he is into you then you’ll be receiving a call. The only variation on this is the subset of men who follow the Vince Vaughn Swingers advice and wait 3 days. So, after day 4 you can just assume he isn’t interested, or if your self esteem can’t handle that, assume your telephone is broken.

The brutally honest truth that any guy can tell Andrea is that they say they will call, but don’t, because you had no personality, and while you were a 6 or 7 when we passed out, you looked like the Predator the following morning. If you had just let us sneak away as planned no one would have to lie, but when a man sees the below vision blocking the doorway & asking if & when we’ll call, we are basically frightened into a less than truthful answer.

Monday's Money Line

DBSF is proud to welcome Admiral DD Foot as a regular contributor. He will provide a weekly post on money lines, and will oversee content on relationship/ love/ sexting advice. From Admiral DD Foot:

Monday’s Money Lines: The following picks are for entertainment purposes only; unless you gamble, in which case they are your first step towards early retirement. (Picks are for 100 units on the money line unless otherwise noted).

SF@MIL: To counteract accusations that they have been playing soft the Milwaukee Brewers in an attempt to toughen their image are now spelling MILWAÜKEE with an umlaut. Pick: SF

ATL@PHI: Yahoo! Sports is reporting that the Phillies are still attempting to sign Pedro Martinez for the 2nd half. When approached by MML for comment Pedro said, “I think what the Phillies want is to ensure they beat the Mets. Over the past few years I have a great track record of beating the Mets.” Pick: ATL

CIN@NYM: When being pressed about overworking his starting pitchers and the danger of injury, Dusty Baker was quoted as saying, “Whether these guys get injured or not, I still get my paycheck.” Pick: CIN

FLA@LAD: Apparently not learning anything from the Fredi Gonzalez vs. Hanley Ramirez saga, the Marlins laundry guy was surprised when his “It’s me or Hanley” ultimatum did not go his way. Pick: LAD

LAA@CWS: White Sox GM Ken Williams on how he was handling the Carlos Zambrano situation. “We gave him a $10,000 fine. Well, a $5,000 fine for shoving Derek Lee and a $5,000 fine for shoving me when I told him about his $5,000 fine for shoving Derek Lee.” Pick: CWS

BAL@DET: After losing out on a no-hitter with 2 outs in the 9th inning on a botched call, Armando Galarraga has agreed to bury the hatchet with umpire Jim Joyce after he agreed to accompany Galarraga on a Tosh.0 Web Redemption. Pick: DET

CHC@ARZ: On the Karate Kid soundtrack Bananarama famously sang, “It’s a cruel….cruel…summer.” Bananarama were all Diamondback fans. Pick: CHC

BOS@TB: With so many Red Sox players dealing with the injury bug the Red Sox training and conditioning staff has been called into question. After further investigation it turns out that the real problem was the guy that drives the injury cart onto the field was the same guy that recklessly drove the ambulance onto the field in Madden ‘92.



CLE@TEX: After a very hot start Indian’s rookie catcher Carlos Santana was approached by MML for comment after a recent 0-8 slump where the Indians lost two games. Santana said, “I’m disappointed going 0-8 and losing both games, but for the first time, I really feel like a member of the Cleveland Indians.” Pick: TEX

NYY@OAK: After critical reviews of the New York State of Mind commercial for the new season of “Rescue Me,” Derek Jeter is going to be seen randomly driving through commercials for the 6:00 & 6:30 syndicated episodes of Seinfeld. Pick: NYY



KC@SEA: Reality trumps satire again with this week’s real Ichiro quote. “If I’m in a slump, I ask myself for advice.” One word; genius. Pick: SEA

BP's Response to Dawn Oil Spill Commercial

Riiingg, riiiinnnnggg, riinnnnnggggg.

David, CEO of Dawn Soap Corp.: Carla? Carla? Caaaaarrrrrlllaaaa? You gonna get that? What the he . . [picks up phone] hello this is David.

Karl, Director of Marketing for BP: David, hi this Karl at BP.

David (Dawn): Oh, oh, uh hi Karl. So, what's new?

Karl (BP): David, don't bologna me here. You know what's going on.

David (Dawn): Yeah, the oil spill. In the Gulf, right? Yeah I heard about that.

Karl (BP): That's not what I'm talking about. Well, it is. But, I want to talk with you about why in the flap-jack Dawn is capitalizing on people's misfortune. On BP's misfortune. Terrible, terrible accident you know?

David (Dawn): Look, Karl. The recession has hit everyone hard. Dawn included. People are passing up commercial soap for generic and store brands. In 2008 alone our profits dropped 40%. We were down another 10% in O-nine.

Karl (BP): Great jamma-ma-mamma!

David (Dawn): Jamma-ma-who-what?

Karl (BP): The wife, well the wife and the psychiatrist want me to cut back on the swearing. Have to use substitutes. It's stressful here at BP. Oil spill and all. And the Americans, get out of town, they hate us. They hate everything BP. Except for the oil we ship 'em, of course. We offered twice what Fedex said it would pay to be the lead sponsor at the US Open, and the Open officials wouldn't even return our calls.

David (Dawn): Look, Karl. I'm sorry but, this is strategic. It's business. You know the game? Let the market and the consumer drive the direction of the company? Huh? Dawn Corp. saw an opportunity and we jumped on it. Old fashioned, capitalism, huh?

Karl (BP): Okay, okay whatever. I get it. But did you have to use baby ducks and the little otters? Are there even ducks in the Gulf?

David (Dawn): You know I don't know. We got them from the pond outside HQ. Funny thing is we couldn't get oil . . . I mean nobody wanted to drive down to Pep Boys to get some Valvoline. So we just spray painted those little suckers. I think only one or two lived. Had to take a whole family of ducklings for that shoot, the mother duck was sooo . . .

Karl (BP): You couldn't use some God-awful pelican? Those things have those waddles that just scream the detestable wealthy, old, fat Republican.

David (Dawn): Hard as hell to catch a pelican Karl. You just throw a bed sheet out you can nab 8, 10 ducklings. Hell, as many as there are in front of you.

Karl (BP): Look we didn't say anything back in '84 when that shipment of Dawn crashed off Nova Scotia and sent 20 billion gallons of soap into the Atlantic. You wiped-out the entire species of the Nova Scotian Sea Owl.

David (Dawn): That sea owl looked like a Got-dang winged raccoon on speed. It was like the flying monkeys out of Wizard of Oz or something. A real terror.

Karl (BP): . . . [investigates cuticles, signs a piece of paper and hands it to an assistant]

David (Dawn): Heck, I wish we had Youtube then. That mass of bubbles encroaching on Nova Scotia. Damn magic. Hollywood alone would have paid us millions for that. Some Disney flick about a magic fun blob of bubbles, I can just picture it . . .

Karl (BP): Fine, fine. Look, I gotta get back to work. I see you're gonna be no help. The Americans want to cut our dicks off and feed them to a barracuda. The President actually said that.

David (Dawn): I thought you weren't swearing.

Karl (BP): Dick's not a swear, is it?

Apparently You Don't Need a Spleen to Smoke Weed

Titans back-up QB Chris Simms was pulled over for smoking a 'marijuana cigarette' (apparently with wife in car) in NYC. Simms, who is sans-spleen post a devastating hit back in his Tampa Bay Bucs' days, was likely smoking a "joint" and not a "blunt" as this picture offers no indication that this is the type of bro to "blaze a blunt".



It's a sad, sad day for your organization when Boozing Kerry Collins is the most responsible of your team's QB corps. (Starting QB Vince Young, among other indiscretions, got into a fight last month at a strip club--of course--when a patron made a hand sign that Young felt denigrated the University of Texas, his alma mater. Way to settle the dispute Vince . . . in a strip club.)

Advice to Michael Vick

The AP is reporting that the police have not ruled out Vick as a suspect or person of interest in a shooting at his Virginia Beach birthday party last week. Apparently the person who was killed in the shooting was a co-defendant who testified against the quarterback in Vick's dogfighting case that sent him to jail for 18 months.

The details are still a bit murky but if DBSF could give Michael Vick any advice it would be A) move out of Southeast Virginia as a string of unfortuitous circumstances seem to have befallen football's once brightest star in that geographic locale, and B) don't do anything. Literally, in your free time limit physical movement. DBSF would even advise Vick to be constantly conscious of all lateral arm movements.

Find a chair, preferably a padded, comfortable, odorless one and recline in it. If anyone--friend, family member, stranger--mentions the word club, matter of fact if they mention anything that rhymes with club, like flub, or mub, take their card out of your Rolodex, rip it up, and move on with things. In fact, its probably best to avoid social situations in general as less and less seems to go right for you in them. DBSF suggests you befriend some esoteric, recluse like Russian mathematician, Grigori Perelman. Sit in his St. Petersburg flat, with Grigori and Grigori's mom/ matb and discuss analytic and geometric topology or something.

An Off-Season of Penny Hardaway Contracts?

With Bron Bron, Bosh, and D-Wade head-lining the list of superstar free agents, the media has been a buzz of potential super-teams a la a the Celtics' Big Three, or of basketball's biggest name joining hip-hop's biggest name in America's biggest city.

Thus far none of this has materialized as most of the big names seem intent on hollywooding their long line of suitors. What has materialized however, are several questionable contracts offered to players who either outright don't deserve them, or will have to considerably increase their performance to merit their high pay.

Already Rudy Gay has signed a max deal with the Grizzlies for $81.6 million over 5 years. This is the same Gay, who in his fourth season was down from his peak year, his second, and was only a +6 for all of last year. There are also rumors that the Hawks will resign Joe Johnson to a max deal of $125 million over 6 years, which would mean--based on the structure of the contract--Johnson would receive $30 million in the final year of his contract at 34 years old.

Not that $30 mil for 34 year old two-guards who need to shoot the ball 20 times to be effective is unreasonable, but for a guy who makes AROD look like Reggie Jackson in the post season 9 figures over 6 years is how-you-say a little too "Gilbertish" for DBSF's liking.

Other questionable murmurings: Richard Jefferson is expecting a multi-year contract at $8-$10 million a year (DBSF says half that and sign him), and the TWolves signed Darko to a 4 year, $20 million dollar deal (this represents "case and point" as to how Minnesota institutes a culture of losing).

Nets-Knicks Rivalry Heats Up

Right outside Madison Square Garden the new Nets owner, Mikhail Prokhorov, (along with minority owner, Jay-Z) make a 225' by 95' bold statement. This is so awesome DBSF takes back everything he said about Russians while watching Red Dawn at 6 years young.

CREAD: Finance and Collegiate Athletics

Fanhouse pulled these findings from the Department of Education's Equity in Athletics Report. Follow the links for details for the full findings.

Spending by College Football Team -- Interesting finding: Ole Miss wins 90% of their football games against teams that spend less than them (for the Terps its 69%). Against teams that spend more only West Virginia wins more than 70% of their games (82%). Ohio State ($32M) and Auburn ($29M) spent the most on football in the 2008-2009 academic year.

Revenue by College Football Team -- Interesting finding: At $65 million UT earned almost $20 million more than the next highest earner (Georgia at $45.4 million). Utah earned the biggest non-BCS revenue at $6.5 million.

Spending by College Basketball Team -- Interesting finding: UT (all sports) earned almost $140 million in 2008-2009; Duke spent over twice as much on basketball than all ACC teams except UNC and Virginia (great investment Yahoos).

Cash rules everything around DBSF. CREAD get tha money; dolla, dolla bills y'all.

Special thanks to the DBSF Director of Washington Metro Area Sports Content for the find.

C'mon Lacrosse

DBSF takes a lot of heat for associating lacrosse with other quasi-sport-activities, like skateboarding and darts. Lacoste golf shirted and boat shoe wearing bros are all "fastest game on two feet, bro."

Then lacrosse goes and does something like this and make DBSF question whether he overestimated the function by associating it with darts. (If you've ever seen a Tony O'Shea v. Scott Waites battle you'd understand DBSF's affinity for darts.)

The Washington Post is reporting that former UMD men's lax coach, Dave Cottle, is a finalist for the same position at Harvard. A problem arises in that Harvard's coach, John Tillman, (from last season!) just took Cottle's job with the Terps.

In what other sport do two coaches switch jobs in the same off season? Sure you see the same faces show up on the coaching carousel from the small pool of the NBA and MLB coaching cadres, but swapping teams in the same off-season? Work with DBSF here lacrosse?

More Evidence that the Rest of the World Takes Soccer More Serious than the US

After a poor showing in the World Cup, the BBC is reporting that Nigeria's president has suspended the team from international play for two years. This after French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced an investigation into the French team's collapse and failure to make it out of the first round.

In the US, we seem to take greater concern over the logistics of the 'Ultimate Race: Season 6'. DBSF acknowledges that the national uproar over the goal unfairly taken away in the Slovenia game pales in comparison to the country's reaction to American Idol selecting a new judge. But, the US's position on futbol seems to be progressing, and the change is being led from the top.

Although the US is far from the President issuing Executive Orders on soccer affairs, various images of President Obama watching games between meetings showed his enthusiasm for the World Cup. (Grant it he did schedule his meeting to fire Gen. McChrystal during the Algeria game. I mean if you know you're going to fire the guy and he's already taken the 18 hour flight from Kabul what's another two hours?)



In addition, former President Clinton was a great presence in South Africa socializing in the sky box and partying after games with players. (DBSF suspects that Clinton's predilection was not in fact for football but for partying. For the sake of soccer's esteem in the US however, DBSF will assume its the former and not the later.)

Only 1,378 days until Brazil.