Cam Newton Post-Game News Conference: Feelings Still Hurt

Cam Newton has the hurtest feelings in the NFL. Cam Newton has the hurtest feelings in North and South Carolina. Cam Newton's hurt feelings result partially from his already existing hurt feelings thus creating a cyclical disaster whereby hurt feelings maker hurter feelings which grow exponentially into even more hurter feelings until he has the hurtest feelings. Below is a brief analysis of Cam's Hurt Feelings (aka Post-Game) News Conference--working title Hurt Feelings of the Cam, by the Cam, for the Cam.

0:05 It's just not me . . .
This is the thesis of the Hurt Feelings News Conference (HFNC)--IT'S NOT CAM'S FAULT.

0:09 We find a way to keep the game close . . .
Cam means they, as in everyone on and associated with the Carolina Panthers' organization--including fans, state residents supporting other teams, unborn future fans--are responsible and not one, Cam Newton, who by the way don't you feel sorry for me, Cam, I mean look at all the downtrodden head wagging. I, Cam, am near tears. What does the Hurt Feelings barometer top out at? 10? I, Cam, am a 12. So hurt.

0:12 Whether it's me? I don't know . . .
No, I, Cam, know. It's not me. Still them.

0:15 Whether it's the coordinator? I don't know. The players overall? I don't know.
Among others, yes, I, Cam, think it's the coordinator. And definitely the other players.

0:26 I'm looking forward to a game where we put up 35 points.
Cam means, I'm looking forward to throwing for 600 yards and running for 200 in a game like I did last year. I don't care who wins.  

0:38 You can point out to a lot of things that can come to us being defeated.
The score being the primary thing. Presumably there are others.

0:45 I'm only going to control what I can control and that's myself.
[See comment @ 0:05, e.g. "thesis of HFNC"]

 1:00  . . . . . 
Cam (to Cam): Feelings are waaaayyyyyyy to hurt to listen to this question.

1:17 You gotta call the plays. It's kind of putting a strangle on our passing game . . .
Did I, Cam, have an opportunity to blame the running backs yet? Their fault. BIG time.

1:33 I don't care if we kick the ball from the seventy . . .
See 1:00. I, Cam, told you my feelings were too hurt to listen to this question so if you want to know how we can score more points I'll tell you that we're just going to kick it, punt it, whatever, I don't care.

1:48 You see it with countless games where we just find a way to keep it close . . .
Except for the Giants. In that one everyone else messed up way too bad for a close loss. Hurt Feelings went from a 7 to a 9 that Thursday night. Haven't been below an 8 since. The only reason it dropped to 8 was because LeBron sent me that Edible Arrangements' bouquet.

1:50 We just find a way to keep the game close . . . 
By "we" I, Cam, mean "they".

2:16 . . . 
Cam (to Cam): They lettin' a woman in here ask me these questions?

2:34 Only thing I control, sweetheart, is myself . . .
See thesis. In the finale, Cam here appears to adapt the thesis for HFNC to incorporate mild chauvinism to accommodate @2:16.

The Controversy Surrounding Kansas City's QB Controversy

After starting QB Matt Cassel suffered a concussion in Week 5, the Kansas City Chiefs turned to back-up Brady Quinn and there are rumors of a QB controversy that Quinn may take over the starting position. Apparently Microsoft or Google built an algorithm into their software because simply typing the words "Quinn" "take over" and "starting" in that order instantaneously rejects what is typed and deletes the sentence.  In fact, that first sentence was only accomplished with cutting and pasting and entering a non-text .jpg picture of the name "Brady Quinn". (The JPEG file was necessary because the engineers at Google/ Microsoft had such foresight that they included algorithms that accounted for anytime you try to type that "Brady Quinn will become starting QB" and would automatically reject any sentence that contains many deviations that not only state definitely that he will start, but also anything implying such a scenario.)

Matt Cassel certainly isn't deserving of a starting QB role in the SEC West much less the NFL. Over the first few weeks he's achieved the lowest QB rating in the League and put an a Blaine Gabbertian performance that includes pioneering an air assault that over the course of 60 minutes wouldn't amount  to enough passing yards to clear the left field wall at Tropicana Field--i.e., the LLWS field of the team named after the spade-like fish that killed the Crocodile Hunter.

Quinn's career started off ominously when at the draft somebody pranked him--or, "punk'd" if one wishes to remain in line with mid-2000s zeitgeist--by convincing Quinn to sit in the Draft's green room, which is typically reserved for the prospects that are projected to go in the top 15 or so picks. At first it was amusing to watch Quinn sit and sit and not get picked and with each passing team maintain the look of anticipation that an individual that spends four-fifths of his income on Powerball tickets holds when he listens to the near statistically impossible daily number not pop-up. Around pick 20 the amusement quickly digressed to discomfort as an awareness set in that you are watching someone on national television that possesses a perception of his own self-worth that was in gross contrast to that of the 7.1 billion other humans on his planet.

The Browns eventually ended up picking Quinn, which made sense because unless your name is Bernie Kosar getting drafted by the Browns to play QB qualifies as "adding insult to injury". With the Browns, Quinn's most notable moment came when after throwing an interception he went for a cheap shot to the knees of Ravens' Terrell Suggs, who was out of the play. Last year, Quinn was with the Broncos where he backed-up Tim Tebow, which if you back-up the person that backs-up Mark Sanchez then that is kind of like the universe not to subtly telling you that, occupationally speaking, you are intrinsically malfeasant. So now there's controversy in Kansas City over whether to start Cassel or Brady? This has to represent perhaps the best grounds for instantaneously contracting the NFL by one team. 

Write-in Candidate:Jeff Boss (Ind?)

About a month before general elections most county or local governments provide voters with a packet that among other pieces of voter information lists candidates running for President and Vice President. Typically the nominees are organized according to those from the two major political parties (Dems and Repubs) and the two major, non-major political parties (Libertarian and Green). Then there is a second larger group of write-in candidates from less established, up-and-coming parties. This later group tends to consist of candidates from the extreme left or right, or of candidates that see a national campaign as the vehicle most appropriate to achieve some singular policy, such as reinforcing prohibition.

Depending upon the state the candidate comes from an individual might need only a few hundred signatures to get their name on the write-in ballot. Such an achievable task explains the large number of write-in candidates and likely contributes to the absence of media attention paid to these candidates. Contrary to voting theory, it wasn't the purpose of a democratic republic to create a two-party system and as such, running up to the November 6 election DBSF will use this platform to highlight the positions, plans, and interests of some of these less recognized candidates.

Jeff Boss is a write-in candidate from New Jersey. Mr. Boss's platform isn't as policy-specific as other candidates. Aligning him on the political spectrum is challenging as well because he's one of those candidates that focuses on a particular, albeit significant, issue. The background of Mr. Boss's website consists of the flag, a bald eagle and two images--one larger than the other--of the Statue of Liberty all of which suggest deep patriotism. He seems to be a candidate focused largely on a domestic issue. More specifically, he states that he personally witnessed the National Security Agency (NSA) arrange the September 11th attacks on the US. His main evidence for this claim is that he has recorded over 500 people stating that the NSA provided them $20K for their participation in and ensuing silence related to the attack.

Mr. Boss's campaign hones in specifically on the role of NSA in the terrorist attack and he provides no other information on his website with which to judge his platform. He does however include links of allegations of major political figures and government agencies that have plotted to harm him or to undermine his campaign. Also, last April over a period of four days you could have met him on the corner of 17th and K St in Washington, DC for a period of 30 minutes. DBSF's take is that at this stage in the game, Mr. Boss might be best served if he broadened his perspective to more domestic and international issues and paid greater attention to current and prospective events. That being said, for voters interested in a candidate with a zealous commitment to the circumstances of September 11th--and literally no other identified priorities--then Mr. Boss deserves consideration.

3 Things: Sheed, Make-up Call, AI

First, Raasheed Wallace has joined the New York Knicks. Assuming Rasheed has some legs left/ isn't in Petron-shape this makes sense for 10-15 minutes of solid post-defense. But where else is it that DBSF heard about a PF or big man that on the offensive side of the court prefers the company of the perimeter and is zealot of the 'shoot your way out of a slump' ideology? That's right, half the Knicks' roster.

Second, the NBA plans to fine floppers. The players are all like, "Just another way for Stern to take a penny." The fans are all like, "Whatever. Why isn't there an NFL game on Tuesday and Wednesday nights?" DBSF's take? Classic Anti-Europeanism/ South Americanism. Flopping is a practice of futbolers, most of whom are of Euro and Argentinian/ Brazilian-descent. Maybe this is a make-up call for the no-jerseys, jewelry, or chains on the bench racism targeted at four-fifths of the league.

Thirdly,  every October DBSF listens to Jewelz aka Allen Iverson's "40 Bars" single because of it's obvious influence on Tribe Called Quest, Wu-Tang Clan, Gang Starr et al. Well DBSF was caught by the following lyric: "For the year 2G the rap game change for one name/ Jewelz aim to slain anything on this plane/ Remains are found when the best kept secret get heated/ You went platinum wit a ghost writer, so in the game you cheated" To paraphrase Allen is saying that he's a rapper of significance and that some other unnamed rapper didn't write his/ her lyrics and, thus, is unworthy of merit. In between those two points Allen is pretty much incoherent. But is he? One more time: "For the year 2G the rap game change for one name/ Jewelz aim to slain anything on this plane" Slain anything on this plane? DBSF's thought? Terrorist.