Monday, April 30, 2012

NFL Draft QB Rankings

There were 11 quarterbacks drafted in this year's draft. Below DBSF ranks them based on his expected career projections for each player. (Prior to analysis it should be pointed out that what Aaron Rodgers, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Tom Brady have accomplished over the last few seasons, statistically at least, has been truly anomalous. As such, unless the NFL further facilitates the passing game by limiting the contact defenders can make on wide receivers or any of these QBs have a pre-30 year old Calvin Johnson on their team then the highest upside for each player should be something like a Matt Ryan, Tony Romo or mid-2000s Carson Palmer. In other words, 30 TDs, low teens interceptions and flirting with 4K yards in a season would be the best case scenario for any quarterback.)

1. Robert Griffin III -- At his peak RGIII will have about four Jake Plummer/ Donovan McNabb/ Steve McNair high-twenties TDs/ mid-teen interception career years. Add to that five to seven 500-700 yard rushing seasons and he'll just edge out Luck. A continued progression of the  Redskins' defense plus a second round running back next season and RGIII's gradual maturity at QB combined with the waning years of the current Eagles, Cowboys and Giants' teams means that RGIII's post-season success will likely far exceed that of Luck. Assuming injuries don't take a toll, the Redskins should be regular post-season contenders starting in 2014.

2. Andrew Luck -- The Colts drafted Matt Ryan. He'll throw for 28 TDs and 12 or 13 pics and might get you into a divisional playoff game. There will never be a quarterback controversy in Indianapolis but bear in mind that the talent that the Falcons' organization has surrounded Matt Ryan with still hasn't and doesn't look to bear much in the form of post-season returns. That being said, Luck will play for 15 seasons, he won't fail a piss test, and the local reporters will love him because he'll address them with respect and take their insipid questions with grace. He'll probably deliver the organization everything it could ask for outside of a Superbowl.

3. Brandon Weeden -- JP Lossman was the same pic 8 years prior. No reason to expect much different from Weeden except he'll collect greater career numbers because the organization might feel forced to play him out as this will potentially be the fourth straight early-round QB selection for the Browns not to materialize (Couch, Quinn, and McCoy to a lesser extent).

4. Nick Foles -- His stats will likely build from gaining the starting job from some bottom-quartile team by default because, surprisingly, one of the McCown boys isn't panning out. Foles will have the occasional 2 TD, 3 pic 270 yard passing game. Of course, the pics will all come in the first have and the TDs and yards will come against a second half prevent defense. Based on interviews DBSF has seen of Foles, second half successes, regardless of defensive scheming, will likely incline him to support a 'strong buy' on Nick Foles' QB stock. The rest of the NFL of course will maintain a permanent 'neutral'/ 'sell' rating on him.

5. Ryan Tannehill -- DBSF only trusts prospects described as having "tremendous upside with great tangibles but requires substantial development in the position" for kick returners and running backs--basically people who need to gain possession of the football and run in one, maybe two, directions as fast as they can. The small sample size of Tannehill's college career inhibit sound projection but DBSF expects Miami to be using its first round pick in 2015 on some current USC or Ohio State former 5-star, red-shirt freshman.

6. Brock Osweiler -- JaMarcus Russell only picked at a less detrimental point. Great arm and size, Jared Lorenzenian mobility. Consider that Osweiler threw for 33 TDs and 15 pics in college. 26 TDs and 13 pics came in his junior year. DBSF hasn't done the research but there likely aren't too many QBs that experience an increase in productivity in the NFL over the Pac-10/12 South. (Interesting side note to this pick, Elway's son, a QB for ASU quit the team in 2009, Osweiler's first season with the Sun Devils.)

7. Kirk Cousins -- For those who are buying into the Todd McShay et al hype about Cousins being the third best QB on the Shanahan family draft board also bear in mind that the same Shanahan family at one point considered John Beck to be the Mickey Mantle of the quarterback position. That's the same John Beck, of course, who looked at times in 2011 like he was being forced against his will to play QB for the Skins.

8. BJ Coleman -- Upside could be Tavaris Jackson or Seneca Wallace. He'll get in games because the two players ahead of him physically cannot receive a snap. When BJ Coleman's name appears as starting QB for your team for more than 2 games in a season, it's in an organization's best interest to strategize as to how they might achieve the optimal lottery pick.

9. People who likely will never play in the NFL but might be able to make mid-six figures for three to four years while putting in county government effort and can tell girls at clubs that they do, contrary to fact, start at quarterback for their NFL team: Russell Wilson, Ryan Lindley, and Chandler Harnish.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

2012 NFL Draft: First 30 Minutes

Thanks to the NFL Network, ESPN et al NFL has become a year round event despite having the shortest playing season of any major professional American sport. As a result of the Schefter-Kiper-Clayton around-the-clock media juggernaut that turns sprained pinky toes and twenty-two year old's Tweets into front page fodder, the anticipation for the NFL draft is in overdrive by December, which drains on the actual excitement of the first round draft day.

With the exception of Colts and Redskins' fans, who get to see potential franchise quarterbacks hold up their team's jersey in a picture with Roger Goodell, the intrigue of the draft is further lessened considering that there are essentially two fewer first round pics as the Luck-GIII combo was determined in some Sportscenter pre-production meeting during last season's NFL wild card games. (Not to mention, that Interest in the draft is even further qualified by the fact that the first five picks were pretty much set because of the elite talent of a select few players.)

So for the casual NFL fan today's first round draft day turned out to really be about 25-27 and not 32 picks. Fortunately in the NFL, unlike the NBA, the entire first round matters so there's still appeal. Below are some reactions to an arbitrarily selected half-hour segment of the first round of the NFL draft:

There should be an anthropological study on fans who attend NFL drafts. The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation should establish a trust alone for individuals that go literal ape-bonkers upon hearing that the Colts selected Andrew Luck--a universally understood decision for the better part of four months.

Adam Schefter L-O-V-E-S to hear Adam Schefter talk. Mirrors likely get get serious attention in the Schefter household

Roger Goodell really leans in and holds on for these hugs with these dudes get on stage. Next-level dude hugging going down this draft.

There are subgroups of humans that are worse than Jets' fans. Correction, there is a subgroup of humans that are worse than Jets' fans, however DBSF is fairly confident that the worser subgroups went extinct during the Middle Ages when its ship sunk en route to a village re-rape and pillaging.

Justin Blackmon gets drafted to catch Blaine Gabbert bounce passes. No wonder that bro doesn't want to walk up on the stage. Probably seeing if his agent can get him traded to a better passing offense, like Kansas City.

Andrew Luck's NFL-readiness is inversely related to his camera-readiness. Goyim friends at a Bat Mitzvah look more comfortable in front of a camera.

Impressive spite-prep by Jon Gruden on Morris Claiborne. Gruden actually has the production assistants put together a highlight tape of Claiborne's five mistakes from last season.

RGIII's mouth-width to head circumference ratio is around 1:2.

ESPN should have mandatory commercial breaks whenever a team from Florida is up to select.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Which Minnesota Timberwolve won't be back next season?



After their most recent loss, Minnesota Timberwolves' point guard JJ Barea accused his teammates of not caring enough about the outcomes of games. Such comments following a second-half collapse, like the Timberwolves have experienced, suggests that a team's front office will likely reshuffle their deck and bring in some new players and get rid of some old faces. DBSF selected 9 of the Timberwolves top 12 players. See if you can guess who will be gone.

Number 5 is a potential MVP and looks like he takes dates to the Mall of America so he's automatically off the list. So are numbers 1,4, and 8 but they'll stay because they're promising young talent who deserve at least another season (#1) or more (#4 and #8) to develop. Number 7, like number 2, is an exceptionally exciting offensive player whose offensive worth is somewhat offset by its inverse relationship to his defensive worthlessness. Regardless one just received a big contract (#2) and the other (#7) makes such spectacular plays on offense that a sub-.500 team regularly appears on Sportscenter. That and the fact that DBSF assumes that #2 and #7 look like what people in Minneapolis associate with "ethnic"/ "cultural" ensures that they'll stick around for a while.

Number 9 looks like he might as well be watching the game from the stands he looks so Minnesotan. Probably has season tickets to Minnesota's NHL team. (A quick Google search informed DBSF that the Minnesota North Stars have adopted the moniker 'Wild' for some reason. Not sure if this is a recent/ marketing phenomenon or what.)

By process of elimination you should be able to guess now who will be gone. If you selected the player that looks most like he's infected with rabies or some animal-borne disease that is only contracted through human-mammal-to-dog/ bear/ deer-mammal violence (#3) or the player that looks like despite a $6 million-plus annual contract he still sells marijuana in small amounts for "pocket money" (#6) then you were right.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Punish the Bobcats

The Charlatan Bobcats are on pace to set the record for NBA futility. The Charlatan Bobcats have lost 18 games straight.  The Charlatan Bobcats lost 16 games straight.earlier in the season. The Charlatan Bobcats regularly start Byron 'don't call me BJ' Mullens. None of this is news. What is news however, is that the NBA will reward the Bobcats for a season of  awful basketball with the greatest chance at winning the Anthony Davis' sweepstakes. As the organization is intrinsically awful they will naturally have Tyrus Thomas mentor Davis so as to ensure his demise and digression into basketball and personal deviance.

In an ideal world the Bobcats should be demoted. Like not 'ha-ha' how funny/ ironic it is that the Bobcats have to play in the USBL or some Eastern European league. Rather they literally devalue the league and the quality of the NBA product while running the possibility of injuring real basketball players on opposing teams during "games".Consider that if/ when the Charlatan Bobcats lose their next game on Friday they will be over 40 games out of first place in the East in a 66 game season. In this short season they've lost 1 game by 40+ points, 8 games by 30-39 points, 12 games by 20- 29 points, and most other losses were by double digits. This type of ineptitude is so statistically unlikely that it borders on malfeasance, or collusion with Vegas line-makers. But punishment for such failure seems harsh and counter-intuitive to the NBA's goal of a balanced, competitive league, right? Perhaps the question should be: Is the culture of losing reflective of unfortuitous circumstances, like a top pick suffering a career-ending injury (i.e., Greg Oden), or is it self-inflicted?

Since purchasing and taking over the team in 2010 Michael Jordan got rid of Tyson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Stephen Jackson, and Gerald Wallace. Four players who played or will play an important role on playoff or championship teams at some point over the last two seasons. In their place the Bobcats have added Bismack Biyombo, Kemba Walker, Jamario Moon, Corey Maggette, and, yes, Eduardo Najera and Byron 'don't call me BJ' Mullens. So, basically the Rio Grande Valley Vipers roster minus their best players getting called-up (likely Cartier Martin) the year the Vipers made it to the second round of the NBDL tournament.

To compensate Jordan and the Bobcats, the NBA should revoke their first overall pick. Regardless of where it falls they should be eliminated from the first round and each team moves up one in the draft. It's not like the Bobcats are diving at the end of the season to increase their chances in the lottery (i.e., the Golden State Warriors now sitting a healthy Bogut, Lee, Curry, and Biedrinis). Rather they spent an entire season serving as schedule fillers and guaranteed wins (so, turn of the 21st century Duke football). Of course knowing Jordan, he'll probably take Harrison Barnes or an unathletic white with a penchant for a good post-game half-court cry with the top pick, or package Davis and a future first rounder for the life-time rights to one Stephen Jackson.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Top Professional Basketball Team Names

1. Talk 'N Text Tropang Texters (Philippine Basketball Association): Extra points for the apostrophed 'and' conjunction. And for naming a basketball team the 'Texters'.

2. Pure-Youth Construction (Super Basketball League of Taiwain): Automatic credit for any team playing in the "Super" Basketball League. (DBSF checked but sadly cannot confirm if the league in Bill Lambier's Combat Basketball for the SNES was in fact the Super Basketball League. Copyright infringement emails are sitting in Gmail drafts folder should he get confirmation.) The only issue with "Pure-Youth Construction"--and this is a small thing, like technicality-type thing--is that the United Nation's International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) has established a pretty well accepted narrative in the Western conscious that the exploitation of child labor is somewhat taboo.

3. Poitiers Basket 86 (Ligue National de Basket of France): Kind of 1980's NYC subway graffiti bomber/ muralist (PB86 would be the tag), but also kind of ultra-progressive post-hipster, post-instrumental European Macbook-rock that serves primarily to distinguish between the truly hip and the marginally hip. Inevitably the music is awful.

4. Petron Blaze Boosters (Philippine Basketball Association): Likely also the name of two-thirdish of urban-oriented, suburban teenagers' custom made NBA Live 2K12 team.

5. Florida Winning Ways (International Basketball League): Sounds more like a Jacksonville-based money laundering schemed that involves liquidating retirees retirement accounts and pooling resources to invest in the ever mercurial lottery-ticket market but, at least, it's optimistic. It also kind of sounds like a boot camp/ rehabilitative clinic for young men that serves primarily to facilitate creating life long criminal networks rather than depress deviance.

6. Chicago Muscle (Professional Basketball League): Kind of MSM/ Bear sub-category of gay/ bi-curious? but you can't accuse it of suggesting futility.

7. Scranton/ Wilkes-Barre Steamers (Professional Basketball League): You know its bad when your city can't pull the resources and fan support necessary to back a team so you end up having to turn to Wilkes-Barre (and a hyphenated city at that).

8. Sorcerers of Guayama aka Guayama Wizards (National Superior Basketball): Their the worst professional Puerto Rican team, they have former Wizard Al Thornton, but their league sets the bar for superlatives in the league name category with "National Superior".

9. Staten Island Stallions (United States Basketball League): The first time ever that a franchise city was able to vote on a team name and out of virtually infinite possibilities returned a 1990's Iraqi election Saddam Hussein-like 100% of the popular vote for "Stallions".

10. Petrochimi Bandar Imam BC (Iranian Basketball Super League): It's probably like a Mesopotamian version of "Charlotte Bobcats" but they have Joe Forte on the roster so they automatically make the cut.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Which Sacramento King would make the Best Mitt Romney VP Candidate?

With the Republican Party nomination a virtual guarantee, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is now in the market for a Vice President. How DBSF sees it VPs typically serve to compliment a presidential candidate's shortcomings. Governor Romney's shortcomings are three-fold.

First, he needs to convince the electorate that he contrasts from Obama and is a true conservative. Now this isn't the primaries so he's not trying to find a VP to influence the electorate from America's rural hinterlands, who tend to associate conservativism with racial and ethnic xenophobia, lax gun laws, and a union of church and state whereby elected leaders lead based on some divine guidance, which inextricably ends up being interpretations of the Old Testament that call for socially conservative policies that come at great inconvenience to everyone besides heterosexual males. Rather in a general election the presidential candidate needs to convince independent and undecided voters that he offers a solution--rather than exists as a diametrical opposite--to the opponent's, in this case President Obama's, reliance (or perhaps 'misuse/ abuse' in the republican parlance) on big government. So think Reagan; not Santorum.

Second, Governor Romney needs a VP to compliment the fact that he comes off as perhaps the most disingenuous major presidential candidate (save John Kerry) in decades. So someone that has the straightforward, shoot from the hip style of a John McCain or Dylan McKay. Finally, Governor Romney would like to gain a VP from an important swing state. So any candidate that's from Utah or one of those state's where the head football coach of the state's main university regularly golfs and dines with the state's Governor is off the list. Considering these three needs the natural next step is to consider where Governor Romney and his aides might find a pool of candidates. Most political strategists would recommend the US Congress or Republican Governors. DBSF thinks the Sacramento Kings shouldn't be overlooked. Below DBSF assesses the King's roster while taking Governor Romney's needs into account.

Jimmer Fredette: The natural choice, right? He's Mormon, he's white, and he's got a Christian rapper brother. But Americans as a whole are suspicious of the Mormon thing and Fredette doesn't strike you as the "I'm just in this thing for the networking" type of Mormon. Having two on a ticket could even push those Southern snake-holding Christian-types to that black candidate. Further, he's from New York, which would take an unprecedented nuclear attack to Manhattan to ever make it a red state. Fredette's grade as potential VP: D-

DeMarcus Cousins: In the parabola of life DeMarcus seems to be either about to make one of the more rapid descents into ignominy or about to begin his meteoric ascent to reaching his exceptional potential. In other words, he's a high risk, high reward kind of guy. He's from Alabama and starred at Kentucky--two states that always go Republican. With respect to frankness, there is little concern that Cousins won't speak his mind and be forthright about what he believes. That being said, see the earlier comment about where he stands on the parabola of life--his candor might prove infinitely detrimental to his running partner in a general election. Cousins' grade as potential VP: B-

Marcus Thornton: He takes sixteen shots and six threes a game--not  . . . conservative . . . at all (even if he's from Louisiana and went to school there).Thornton's grade as potential VP: D+

Tyreke Evans: Shooting less, lower assist to turnover ratio equals conservative (good); outside of the year he played with the University of Memphis basketball team while staying in a dorm on campus so as to maintain some affiliation with the school, he comes off as a genuine, honest individual (great); from Pennsylvania, a key swing state (awesome). So what's not to love? Well seeing how his career has kind of nose-dived from a rookie year when his name was often mentioned in the same breath as Oscar Robertson and LeBron James, he's kind of like the Michele Bachman of the Republican presidential primaries--starts strong then fades. Evans' grade as potential VP: B+

John Salmons: Has an Abe Lincoln beard, which is both super-righteous/ honest looking and offsets President Obama's Abe Lincoln narrative; is black, which offsets President Obama's black thing; and, is from Pennsylvania and played college basketball in Miami, Florida--two critical swing states.We have our winner. Salmons' grade as potential VP: A+

Other options? People who are basically Constitutionally prohibited from becoming the President of the United States--foreign-born (Francisco Garcia and Donte Greene), someone with a foreigner name (Hassan Whiteside),  someone with the name 'Chuck' (Chuck Hayes), someone who went to NC State (JJ Hickson), people who went to college on the West Coast (Tyler Honeycutt and Isaiah Thomas), and some other guys, like Terrence Williams, who's own mothers wouldn't even vote for them.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Contribution: 2011-12 Caps Report Card Report

Special Contribution
1/5  Disastrous/Far Below Expectations
2/5 Below Expectations
3/5 Average/Meets Expectations
4/5  Exceeds Expectations
5/5  Wayne Gretzky'd It

Alexander Ovechkin  3/5   Key Stats:  38G 27A -8  19:48 TOI
It took a strong finish to get the numbers up, but when the Caps needed him most Ovie stepped up.  Expectations obviously very high here.  Caps should be willing to settle for 35'ish goals from him for the duration of his contract

Alex Semin  2.5/5  Key Stats: 21G 33A 56PIM
You never know what you're going to get here.  When its good, he is an elite NHL scoreer.  When its bad he disappears for weeks at a time and shows minimal interest and effort.  Which Semin shows up in the playoffs will likely determine his future with the Caps

Nicklas Backstrom 3/5  Key Stats  14G 30A, Missed 40 games with concussion
Although the injury was the major story of the year, his hot start followed by prolonged ineffectiveness results in a lower grade.  When the Caps hit their swoon he was nowhere to be found.  

Mike Green 1.5/5   Key Stats: 3G 4A, 50 games missed
Another injury plagued season but these numbers are very un Mike Green like to say the least.  The Caps will need him to step up offensively on the power play in the playoffs.

Dennis Wideman  3.5/5  11G 35A  23:56 TOI
Stepped up early in the season offensively and was rewarded with 1st trip to the all star game.  Logged heavy minutes but frequent defensive lapses keep his grade under 4.

Marcus Johanson  2/5  14G 32A -8
Could have had a breakout year after spending most of the season on the top line with #8, but was unable to take advantage.  With youth still on his side, MoJo will need to step his game up if he wants to take it to the next level.  

Brooks Laich  4/5   16G 25A  5PPG
Although not the most gifted scorer, #21 brings leadership, effort and grit that is found in few of his other teammates.  His goals came at clutch times and he will be leaned on heavily in the playoffs.

Jason Chimera 4/5  20G 19A +4
See above.  The 20 goals were a major surprise, but the blazing speed and effort are expected.  Has stepped up to be one of the teams un-questioned leaders both on and off the ice.

Troy Brouwer  3.5/5   18G  15A  17:11 TOI
By far the most effective of the Caps offseason pickups.  Showed good skills offensively, and the ability to mesh well with #8, #28, & #19.  Is versatile enough to play on any line moving forward and the caps need more of the same from Brouwer in the playoffs.

Matty Perreaualt 4/5  16G 14A +9  12:09TOI
Was not even expected to crack the roster coming out of camp but has elevated his game to the next level.  Made the most out of limited ice time while proving himself early and appears to be a building block for the caps of the next few years.

Joel Ward 1/5  6G 12A
Can you believe we gave this guy a 3 year deal?  After year-long ineffectiveness he appears headed for a seat in the press box during the playoff run.

Roman Hamrlik 1.5/5  2G 11A
See above.  Thanks for coming.  A month as a healthy scratch has rejuvinated him some but whether he will dress in the playoffs remains to be seen.  Clearly past his prime.

John Carlson  2/5   9G 23A -15
Coming off a breakout season last year, Carlson showed major regression.  His offensive numbers went down and defensive lapses went up.  Never a good combination.  Appears to be struggling with Dale Hunter's system.

Karl Alzner   3/5  1G  16A +12
Spent last year in Carlson's shadow but emerged this season as more of a defensive presence.  If he can show similar improvement for next year he will be an elite defenseman.

Mike Knuble 2/5  6G 12A
Healthy scratch for the first time since the 90's this year, and deservedly so.  Nothing seemed to bounce Knuble's way this year and his future with both the Caps and the NHL is highly in doubt.  He will still be counted on for leadership in the playoffs.

Matt Hendricks  4/5  4G 5A 7SOG
"The Paralyzer". These clips only tell half the story.  This guy gives 150% every night on the ice.

Dmitri Orlov  4/5 3G 16A
Strong rookie campaign quickly turned Orlov into one of the caps most counted upon and reliable defenders.  With Mike Green out most of the year, his presence was key in getting the #7 seed.

Tomas Voukoun  3/5  25-17-2  2.51GAA
Numbers solid but nagging injuries kept him from being a major factor.  Likely out until round 2 of playoffs should the Caps advance.

Michal Neuvirth 3/5  13-13-5  2.82GAA
After losing the starting job to Voukoun, appeared to have the playoff job locked up.  But his new "lower body injury" has the remainder of the season in doubt.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Watch how European Pau Gasol gets after Blake Griffin Dunks on Him

You've seen the highlight now play without sound and watch the post-dunk aftermath. Immediately after getting slammed on Gasol establishes his Euroness when rather than maintain his balance and walkaway in some Perkins/ Mozgovesque shame he theatrically extends the assault by flopping across the lane and rolling into DeAndre Jordan. You got dunked on some kind of awful. Stand your ground, this is the NBA, not Getafe v. Granada. Then to the refs: "Oh, but he push, he push me. He push my elbow. I beg you. Make call. Make call. I plea. He push my arm." Yeah bra, this is America. Our country isn't on the brink of economic collapse because the entire market system shut down to celebrate those two weeks David Guetta came to down. You just got American Exceptionalized.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Photo Hunt: Ryan Leaf (w/ answers)


Answers:
1. Shirt
2. Nodded-out-for-a-second-there hair
3. Opiate eye
4. Relaxed jaw/ I'm not going to try to explain my side/ there is no 'my side/ just gonna nod in the cell