NBA Eastern Conference Regular Season Predictions

With the regular season approximately 0.5 complete DBSF decided to predict conference playoff rankings. Starting with the East . . .

1. Miami Heat (50-16)
After locking up the East with four or five games left Miami will rest their big three and drop a couple at the end of the season (otherwise they'd probably only lose 12-14). DBSF will say it again--LeBron James is the best human to ever play basketball. Jordan was the greatest winner and competitor but LeBron is the only player in the history of the NBA to regularly--like literally bi-quarterly--commit super-human feats. DBSF predicts this will be LeBron's first of three to four championships with the Heat.

2. Chicago Bulls (48-18)
DBSF sees this Bulls squad as perennial regular season champs-types. They consistently beat the glorified D-League teams of the NBA (i.e., Wizards, Kings, Bobcats, etc), which inflates their record, but the idea that they can go seven games with grown-men squads, like the Heat, Lakers or Thunder--or even the really, really grown-men, like age-wise Spurs--is suspicious.

3. New York Knicks (37-29)
Tim Tebow has Fred Durst but Jeremy Lin has Landry Fields, whose pocket protector, page-flipping, 'we went to Harvard/ Stanford' pre-game routine with Lin is already annoying DBSF. We get it--you have post-basketball employment opportunities. With a healthy Carmelo Anthony--who should have possession every time the play clock falls below ten seconds for the Knicks--and having time for everyone to mesh with Lin, the Knicks should take advantage of the 76ers' projected collapse. With Lin the Knicks become regular Eastern Conference contenders but the athleticism of the Heat's guards and of Derrick Rose precludes them from ever passing the Conference Finals.

4. Orlando Magic (42-24)
Not enough to beat the Heat and not enough to keep Dwight Howard. JJ Redick and Ryan Anderson's 2012-2013 fantasy value should begin skyrocketing in mid-May.

5. Indiana Pacers (40-26)
DBSF respects that Paul George grew two inches over the post-season, but there exists some NBA by-law which explicitly states that no team with Danny Granger and Lance Stephenson can ever finish the season higher than a five seed. They'll be a seven seed next year once all of the real teams have an off-season to practice together.

6. Atlanta Hawks (37-29)
Outside of Josh Smith the Hawks are the least entertaining, consistent-playoff team since the late 80's/ early 90's Milwaukee Bucks. Save obvious phenotypic differences you'd be hard pressed to convince DBSF that Al Horford, Marvin Williams, and Erick Dampier aren't closely related to Frank Brickowski, Brad Lohaus, and Jack Sikma.

7. Philadelphia 76ers (35-31) 
Will the 76ers' collapse continue into the second half of the season? The Philadelphia 76ers are the Washington Wizards with Andre Igoudala and Thaddeus Young in place of Nick Young and Andray Blatche. That is the difference two players can make.

8. Boston Celtics (34-32)
This is assuming Danny Ainge keeps the ol' Big Three intact for the rest of the season and doesn't start rebuilding before the trade deadline. If Allen and Garnett leave then enter some Bucs/ Cavs-caliber team that will participate in the playoffs merely as a formality and simply serve to allow Mike Miller to develop some post-season statistics.

Washington Bullets: DBSF is Long on Improvement

There's room for improvement. Nobody can deny the virtually infinite upside that exists in the Washington Wizards. Skeptics will simply claim it's just regression to the mean, but DBSF sees excellent long-term growth. They're like Apple's stock in the late 1990's. Okay maybe not 'great' growth potential but absolutely no room for regression. So then maybe Apple isn't the best example. Perhaps then any publicly traded company that the Securities and Exchange Commission mandated that it be delisted from any and all equity trading markets.

DBSF loves this picture because nothing comprises the 'All good, I already played this game on XBox and we won' Wizards' culture.

JaVale took a lot of heat for this 'mishap'. People also forgot to point out that he dribbled backwards between his legs in the lane and faded away on a lay-up in the face a defender about a half a foot shorter. 

The above is probably DBSF's favorite Bullet's highlight since . . . 

Then last night JaVale reminded Bullets' fans that sometimes it's actually possible to miss Christian Laettner. 

Aaaannnddddd, that everyone misses the Tom Gugliotta touch pass . . 

Jeremy Lin Jumped the Shark; Back to JR Smith Buzz-Trending

Now that JR Smith is back in America DBSF is over Jeremy Lin. In his first game back JR went a very JR 6-16 while knocking down three 3s. JR reminded DBSF why he is DBSF's favorite player that hasn't gotten into a fist fight with Javale McGee outside a Washington, DC nightclub circa December 24, 2010 because of how JR manages to fade away even on set jump shots. But what's been bothering DBSF is that he can't figure out what's going on with JR's upper forehead extra thick line. Naturally, DBSF went to Yahoo! Answers but the site could only confirm for DBSF that he was in fact was asking an interesting question. Everywhere else JR looks nicely lined-up so DBSF will assume this reflects anomalous manicuring and will look forward to calculating the presumably record-breaking dribble to pass ratio that occurs when JR, Carmelo and Baron Davis are on the court.

No Luck for Baron Davis

While virtually everyone else caught up in the Jeremy Lin-Linsanity is focusing on how many more the Knicks can win in a row, if 'Melo will be able to mesh his new PG, and on Jeremy's pre-game Christian rap mixes (Google 'Lecrae' if interested), DBSF remains unwavered in his focus on and sympathy for Baron Davis. While allowing himself to heal from injury, Baron, who in all of his tweed jackets and plaid shirts looks very avuncular and professorial and kind of like a black version of James Lipton, planned to retake the starting PG role and lead the Knicks to a Lin-like winning streak (grant it, while taking quite a few more uncontested, fast break threes). But because of Lin's emergence Baron's return has garnered the anticipation of Heidi Montag's sophomore album.

Poor Baron. Consider his history. Over the last decade Baron has suffered from a bum-back and is regularly accused of shooting too much and of playing AAU-grade defense. (Grant it, he does have multiple sub-40% shooting seasons, he shoots way too much, and he plays defense every night like it's the second quarter of the All-Star game). Baron spent his entire career playing on crappy teams that--of course, to no fault of his own--usually finish the season in the position to have close to the most ping pong balls in the NBA lottery draft selection vacuum-contraption. Then last year after a career of rebuilding it looked like he had landed on a team, the Clippers, with promising young talent. And what happens?

Baron Davis gets traded to the 19-win Cleveland Cavaliers, which career-wise falls slightly below being reassigned to a "branch" that starts with the prefix 'Supermax'. Now back to the present. A week and a half ago the Knick's are 8 games below .500 and there is no evidence of anything resembling a point guard on the roster. I.E., perfect atmosphere for Baron to take 20 shots a game and make it back on defense when the mood struck him. A New York point guard blossoms, there's talk of basketball's Tebow, Floyd Mayweather and a quasi-journalist tweet something offensive about that PG and in all of the pandemonium there was no mention of Baron. C'est la vie. Jeremy Lin might lead the Knicks' to the playoffs and maybe even a championship but DBSF is confident that in no way will Lin ever be able to replace the entertainment value associated with Baron Davis pulling up for a long three on a four-on-one break. Ever.

Jeff George Tribute

DBSF will say it. Jeff George is attractive. Jeff George understands fashion. DBSF means Jeff George understands fashion in one of those avant-garde, before its time type of fashion. But like way, way before its time. Like maybe a few centuries-plus before the fashion can be understood much less appreciated. (In fact, appreciation in itself might demand a few more decades.)

High and Tight: DBSF calls this one 'high and tight' because those side burns are high and tight.

Borrowed Suit Jeff George: Jeff George probably borrowed a suit for draft day. On a side note, DBSF has to believe that Jeff George has one of the best half-smiles of the 1990 NFL draft.

Central Florida Prisoner: DBSF calls this one 'Central Florida Prisoner' because Jeff George here looks like your standard Central Florida inmate that's doing two dimes in a fairly secure penal institution for armed robbery, assault with intent to harm, and possession with intent to distribute large amounts of any number of over the counter prescriptions that can be concocted into some form that induces rapid tooth decay and delusions that result in hand-drawn dagger tattoos on conspicuous body parts.

This Breeze feels Good: DBSF call this 'This Breeze feels Good' because Jeff George seems to be appreciating that breeze.

Symmetry: DBSF calls this 'Symmetry' because of Jeff George's impressive symmetry on his mustache and his elongated--in the horizontal as opposed to vertical sense--rat-tail.

Let's meet for Drinks: DBSF calls this one 'Let's meet for Drinks' because it looks like Jeff George is saying 'Hey, hey you. Let's meet for drinks.' The other name DBSF was thinking for this one was 'Let's meet for drinks at my place' because DBSF thinks Jeff probably wanted to meet for drinks back at his place. But that half smile kind of implies 'back at my place' so DBSF deferred to the more truncated version. That being said once back at his place DBSF has to think Jeff George has an impressive light-dimming system installed and some quasi legal hi-jinx planned.

Never Give Up: The haircut goes when you say it goes. Inspiration.

DBSF is really trying to go snowboarding with this bro

This bro seems like he knows where all the awesome trails are and like knows about the epic after-parties where he's got a friend that spins Afro-Cuban-fused house beats and he's got a couch you can crash on but it's not actually his place, it's his buddy's place and he crashes on the couch in the den but his buddy is totally chill so it's cool if you want to crash for a week or whatever on the couch in that other room in the basement and his buddy (the one with the house/ den/ couch/ couch) has this awesome Labrador -something mix named Roscoe or something that is awesome and loves going out in the snow but you just have to remember if you let him out to run around you can't nod off with the dog out there because it gets way cold at night. This dude also likely stashes his day's supply of pot in his hat or a sock.

And what's up with Eli? He can win his second Superbowl MVP and is from a family of reasonable means but he can't own his own suit? Literally looks like he borrowed Peyton's suit and recognizing that the little brother wouldn't care for the suit as the older brother would like, Peyton gave him some Filene's Basement back-of-the-closet, TJ Maxx-tailored adjustable-cut, vanity-sized blazer.

Highlights from Jeremy Lin's 25-7-5 Night

DBSF has been following Jeremy Lin since his Junior year at Harvard when he was almost a 20-5-5 guy. While the speed of Ivy League ball lacks that of most other D1 conferences, Lin looked like Nash so DBSF paid attention. Last year at Golden State as a rookie he was efficient in the little time he got but there were too many guards for him to make an impact. So DBSF was quite pleased when the Knicks with no active, true point guard on the roster turned to Lin on Saturday. Over 35 minutes Lin brought the Knicks back while cooking Deron Williams.

DBSF noticed a few things from the highlight below. For example, DBSF is pretty sure that at 3:41 Carmelo Anthony is being racist and bows like a samurai to Lin as he comes to the bench. At 5:32 Lin is taking some free throws--probably not a weakness. At 6:31, some fan drew a Lin poster--again, kind of racist. Finally, watch the post-game interview. Starting around 6:40 you see a black security guard staring down Lin. The guard seems to be contemplating the implications of the increasing participation and success of Asian Americans in the NBA. The guard appears to foresee an inauspicious future.

DBSF can't help but love Lin's appreciation for below the basket aerials, and even if he can't repeat Saturday's performance his past should grant more post-basketball career opportunities than the standard options of playing lower-tiered quasi-pro ball in the Caribbean (i.e., Iverson), incarceration (i.e., Oliver Miller et al), professional pin ball (i.e., Todd MacCulloch), or penury (i.e., all not in the three aforementioned ventures).

Charlotte Bobcats: Right Intentions, Wrong Execution, but also likely Wrong Intentions

After last night's 44 point loss to the Portland Trailblazers the Charlotte Bobcats have now lost ten straight games two of which were to America's Team, the Washington Wizards. (If the Cowboys can continually not make the playoffs and when making them go and Cincinnati Bengal it and appropriate the cognomen, 'America's Team' then why can't DBSF apply it to the Wizards?). Likely because of some inherent misanthropic tendencies DBSF has been following the Bobcats over the last few weeks. (It is also likely the case because anytime a team loses to the Wizards, especially twice, it peaks DBSF's interest as losing to the Wizards is like getting a DWI on a Razor scooter.)

Consider the following statistics. In last night's loss, first round pick Kemba Walker went 1-11, was a minus-36, and had his shot blocked  four times all while Portland guards Wesley Matthews and Raymond Felton combined for 8-14 and a plus-78 in just over 60 minutes of basketball. While DBSF admires Kemba's mental fortitude to take shots 9, 10, and 11, that average of a plus-39 for the opposing two starting guards suggests that he saved enough energy on the defensive end of the court to get a little more legs into those jump shots.

Another statistic that DBSF often references is PER, which is basically a combination of offensive and defensive measures with a standard score to allow one to determine if a player is in fact an above or below average player. The standard is 15. Players like Kevin Durant and LeBron James have a PER close to 30. The Charlotte Bobcats? The entire roster with the exception of DJ Augistine (who is injured) and Byron "BJ" Mullens (who is like a fair-skinned more urban Shrek) falls below 15. (And Augustin and Mullens are just above at 16.) This means the Bobcats field a below average team. No surprise. But players like Desagana Diop, Matt Carroll, and Corey Maggette have PERs in the single-digits, which translates to being a dependable 7 or 8 man off Wichita State's bench. Amazingly Reggie Williams (in just 2 games, grant it) has a -0.7 PER, which DBSF is having trouble confirming with statisticians but he thinks means Williams basically gets on the court and commits a homicide. Literally is of no basketball value.

One last interesting statistic to acknowledge is W/S, which is the shares per win a player has contributed this season. Two-fifths of the Bobcats roster--five of which have been starters--have negative W/S. In layman's terms, almost half of the team individually contributes to losing. Below is a picture of Bobcat's coach Paul Silas that pretty much says it all. If you're having trouble interpreting the picture it's saying, "I know the effort you guys are putting in. I recognize how much you want to turn this team and organization around. And in the deepest, deepest depths of my heart I want you all to know that truly, honestly I hate every single one of you. Genuine hatred. The same hatred one harbors for terrorism and diabetes. Alright, Maggette go in there and throw the ball at the rim for 15 minutes. I can't look at any of you."