Tucker Carlson, Michael Vick, and the Racial Divide

For Americans who believe that the country has reached a post-racial state where the only thing left needed to end racial discrimination is to stop talking about it, Tucker Carlson brings us back to reality. Carlson, who represents--at least, in DBSF's mind--a beacon of protestant white conservatism, was guest hosting for the Sean Hannity show when he announced that Michael Vick "should have been executed" for his role in dog fighting.

Presumably the comment simply reflects irrational exuberance, or Carlson, a talking head of talking heads, seeking (and achieving) publicity through sensational content. But, there's likely something deeper to the comment. Fox News, which runs Hannity's show, appeals to a more conservative, whiter audience. Carlson echoes a sentiment common among many whites--DBSF believes--that Vick serving 1.5 years in prison, losing 2 years of high income earnings in a career that lasts on average about 3.5 years, and suffering substantial financial repercussions was insufficient.

But, Carlson and many whites miss an important point--although undeniably heinous in his actions, Vick killed dogs. Animals, not humans. The justice system determined an appropriate (some might say extreme) sentence and Vick served it and reentered society, just as is hoped for. The Tucker Carlson's of this world ignore a story of redemption in Vick's return. Perhaps blacks possess a greater appreciation for Vick's redemption because they've experienced a criminal justice system that for centuries has disproportionately penalized them*.

The Tuckers of America and everyone else who absorb their news from talk radio/ TV (i.e., fox news, MCNBC, etc.) savor sensationalism. For example, it's much easier to preach to conservative whites that a black athlete, like Vick who fits many negative stereotypes that whites hold of blacks, deserves to be executed than it does to consider the serious challenges ex-offenders experience in gaining employment. Whites miss the point that Vick's reemergence as a dominant NFL player--one who took his talents for granted, fell from grace, received a second chance, and worked himself into a potential NFL MVP--should represent an exceptional story of American perseverance.

(For conservatives of the Ronald Reagan ilk, with its unabashed adherence to individualism, what is more American than picking yourself up by the boot straps and making right in a culture and organization that cast you off?)

Fortunately for white athletes, like Ben Roethlisberger (2x :P), Mark Chmura, some Notre Dame player, a college baseball player, etc., etc., Carlson only believes that animal abuse--and not rape--justifies the death penalty. (We'd have lost a lot of our good athletes.)


*Note: This link is to a quick fact sheet on the racial divide with respect to the death penalty. There are endless studies and books (with superb methodologies) indicating indisputable racism experienced by African Americans in the US criminal justice system.

All-Time Seven Foot-plus XBoxer Fight

Supposedly Washington Wizards F/Cs Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee were suspended for one game earlier this week after the teammates got in a fight with each other outside a nightclub last Friday morning. The image of two under-weight seven-footers (okay, Andray is 6' 11") with all the three and a half foot limbs flailing, and all the "nah, nah, son" exclamations it seems such an event represents the fundamental reason for the existence of video-internet technology.

While the altercation comes as little surprise to DBSF considering that McGee and Blatche possess a mien of the Oliver Miller/ JR Rider caliber, DBSF believes the fight likely originated based on one of three issues:

1) Earlier in the night while pregaming at McGee's, Blatche accidentally saved over and, thus, erased McGee's dynasty season (he had played up to the 2045-2046 NBA season) on NBA Live 2011 with the Lakers where JaVale McGee, JaVale McGee, Jr., and JaVale McGee, Jr., Jr. had led the team to thirty straight NBA Championships while scoring 250 points per game and holding their opponents to 3% field goal shooting; 2)McGee accidentally stepped on Blatche's team issued shoes (as fortune would have it, the Wizards, like every other NBA team, offer the team issued shoes complimentary and without end so Andray just ask for another pair, or five pairs, of shoes at tomorrow's practice); or, 3) Blatche told McGee that he "looks like a hungry Sinbad."

Disconcerting Prospectus for US in Global Competition v. PRC

If this video serves as foreshadowing for the US's economic competition with China in the 21st century, then this hurdler presents daunting imagery as the Chinese, although inadequate as hurdlers, see the proverbial finish line and will get there at any cost.

Notice how after missing the first three hurdles he proceeds to karate-chop the next several. But, on the fourth karate-chop the hurdle horseshoes him and he face-plants in his opponents lane. He then decides "the heck with this noise", enters his opponents lane, double karate-chops a hurdle (clearly, he learned from the horseshoeing episode caused by the previous hurdle), and jumps onto his/ his opponents final hurdle.

After completing the event he walks around as if nothing is out of the ordinary besides somebody not bringing him a Gatorade or something. (Notice in the last second of the film that he proceeds to stumble when stepping from the track onto the grass, thus establishing a perfectly futile 30 seconds of human existence.)

The Admiral vs. The Most Interesting Man in the World

by: the Admiral

vs

One is a suave Dos Equis adman in his 60s who is a mix between Ernest Hemingway, Bill Murray, Burt Reynolds, Ralph Furley, and Royal Tenenbaum. The other is a blog writer with almost 4 regular readers that Burt Reynolds wishes he could be.

Let’s compare the achievements from the commercials to my own and see who you would rather have a beer with.

The Most Interesting Man in the World:

The police often question him just because they find him interesting

He's a lover, not a fighter, but he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas

He lives vicariously through himself

He can speak French... in Russian

His parents were named after him

If he punched you in the face, you’d have to fight the urge to thank him

Sharks have a week dedicated to him

The Admiral:

I found Waldo, twice

I sent $5,000 to the Nigerian Prince and received $20,000,000 in return

When I disagree with you, it is because you are wrong

When I gets pulled over for speeding I let the officer off with a warning.

I know what Willis is talking about

I can order breakfast at McDonalds at 3 in the afternoon

I fought the law and the law lost

When I use an ATM, I charge it a fee

I finished reading the Never Ending Story

The less than Photogenic NBA Class of 2010

The 2010 NBA draft had a bit of everything: approximately 8 players in the first round from John Calipari's semi-pro Wildcat's team (supposedly they're associated with the University of Kentucky--the bastion of American thought); a Venezualan, a Canadian, a Brit; the gratuitous over-hyped, exceptionally athletic UNC power forward that possesses minimal basketball skills and an Indian Jones in the snake pit fear of the paint; and Luke Harangody.

But, in his monthly analysis to see how the rookie class is performing, DBSF noticed something. This class takes perhaps the worst pictures of any group of 60 marginally functioning adult men. It's not that any of these men--save Harangody--are particularly unattractive; rather they seem to have no understanding of how to form their face in front of a camera. (Either smile or look straight ahead, boys.)

It's like they're six years old and the concept of smiling is too abstract so they simply open their eyes extra wide and spread their lips and show their teeth. (Or, because they're 19 and laboriously cool they squint and open a fraction of their mouth.)

Below are some of the more impressive head shots from Yahoo! Sports.

#1 overall pic John Wall--John do what you're doing with the left side of your mouth on the right side too. The mustache just makes it weirder.


#5 pic DeMarcus Cousins--A) you wore a headband to the photo shoot and you definitely did not see any other teammates with one, and B) you're looking like you're trying to carry the photographer (she gets paid $150 for the session by the NBA and that doesn't include gas or lunch--let's make this as easy as possible for her).


#8 pic Al-Farouq Aminu--Innocent mistake; case of six-year oldism. No idea how to shape his mouth into a smile. DBSF is proud of him that he tried.


#16 pic Luke Babbitt--Surely you mean well, Luke. See: John Wall advice.


#18 pic Eric Bledsoe--Eric Bledsoe + Luke Babbit = perfect smile. Independent they're merely exemplars for DeMarcus Cousins.


#52 pic Luke Harangody--Luke this isn't your head shot for the Navy Seals. Relax, have some fun. Alright, fine. Have it your way. Stare at the photographer like you want to fight her.

XBoxing in the NBA

After the Lakers-Wizards game earlier this week, Ron Artest said that Wizards center, Javale McGee "could be a really good player. I think he got to go to school a little bit more. He's got to work on that IQ a little bit. He got to watch more tape. I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games. I do." Based on no evidence, DBSF has a suspicion that the two greatest impediments to most NBA players' success are pot and XBOX (or playstation or any other video game system, although DBSF doubts that Sebastian Telfair goes 36-straight hours on massive multi-player computer RPGs, like World of Warcraft on-line).



You might think that in the NBA video games are a harmless distraction, or an opportunity to entertain the under-agers, who can't hit the clubs on road trips. But, consider this--do you honestly think, ever--literally ever--that Michael Jordan or, say, Hakeem Olajuwon or Charles Barkley ever touched a video game? Jordan had video games named after him and DBSF doubts he even opened the complimentary overnighted UPS package of 60 copies of Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. You think Olujawon ever put in an Altered Beasts or Bad Dudes session? No, those guys balled, partied until 5 in the morning (okay maybe not Olajuwon), and woke up at 7am to go right back at it. They were the brat pack; but, athletic.

Now you have like Daniel Gibson and DeMar DeRozan creating NBA Live 2011 Daniel Gibsons and DeMar DeRozans that are 7'10", 600lbs, 100 speed, 100 agility, 100 shooting, etc. and scoring 100 points and grabbing 80 rebounds a night and blowing out the competition en route to a 15th consecutive championship for the Raptors. Heck, Nick Young thinks that because he dropped 45 with himself on Live against the Heat at difficulty: rookie he's ready for the Celtics. There in lies the problem.



But, DBSF got to thinking--is there really a positive relationship between XBoxing/ pot smoking and losing? What's the one team that you can almost unequivocally say has no gamers or smokers? The Spurs--a perennial NBA power, and the team with the best record in the NBA. All DBSF is saying is that you know if Greg Popovich walks into one of his player's houses and sees two 72" flat screens with octopus-like tentacles of wires leading to Playstations and such, or if he goes through his players' cupboards and sees an absurd amount of cereal, ice cream, garlic and honey flavored chips, or any evidence of a disproportionate amount of children's snacks for a grown man then that player will be a Timberwolve before he can say "a draft pick to be determined later".

Elin Woods Moving on . . . with a Bro she met in Psych Class

Yahoo!/ the National Enquire are reporting that Elin Nordegren is moving on from Tiger Woods with a "35 year old South African" she met while studying for her psychology degree in Florida. Now, let DBSF get this right.

To get that Swedish super-human, her $100 million-plus dowry, and the opportunity for a lifetime of awkward "hey I'm banging your ex-wife, and yeah, your kids like me more because I'm basically the cool uncle who lets them do whatever they want and play XBox like 24/7 because well, heck, they're not my kids, I mean I'm in this for the blonde and the Scrooge McDuck money vault you left her" greetings with the world's greatest golfer, all you had to do was sign up for PSCY 126: Psychology of Gender at Florida Atlantic, sit next to the one person who wasn't festooned in hemp accessories and Billabong attire and let her carp about ol' Tiger?

For American males this should qualify as one of the greatest missed opportunities of the last fifty years--up there with letting Tom Brady fall to the second day of the draft and not shorting Bear Sterns in February 2008. In return for our collective ignorance and lassitude, some South African, who uses words like "bloke" and "car park" and gets philosophical on things like rain hitting sand and Seagulls crackling at each other, hoodwinks us and takes our most eligible bachelorette. And, to think DBSF cheered for South Africa in the World Cup.

Luke Scott, Miguel Tejada & the Netherworld

Yahoo! Sports wasted approximately 348K office hours today with news that Orioles OF Luke Scott believes that President Obama was not in fact born in America. Scott bases this admonition on two critical points. First, at any point--as long as he is within 2 miles of his home in Florida--Luke Scott can acquire his birth certificate in 10 minutes. Second, Obama--in Scott's view--doesn't answer questions.



Before getting distracted by a Youtube collage of kittens sleeping on dogs, DBSF was reviewing the US Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services' FAQs on requirements for being "native born". He didn't find anything about the question dodging, but apparently the 103rd US Congress did pass legislation making it mandatory for all Americans to qualify as "native-born" based on the proximity Luke Scott was to his birth certificate when said American exited said American's mother's birth canal.

Then, DBSF got to thinking--if Scott has such strong beliefs on the birth certificate and native status of the President of the United States, what would he think about ex-Oriole Miguel Tejada, who in 2008 at the age of 31/33 was discovered to be 2 years older than his Dominican birth certificate stated? DBSF quickly boarded the DBSF charter 747 to Lake Buena, FL where MLB's winter meetings are taking place to interview Scott. (Oddly, enough the DBSF charter 747 looks and moves suspiciously like the Greyhound from Baltimore to Orlando.)



Author's Aside: It was also reported that Scott was walking around the meeting with pictures of deer and wildlife he had recently shot. So, yes we're dealing with someone who finds it socially appropriate to show strangers a picture of him holding a dead 2,000 lb elk that he had "got" after spending 8 hours in a tree that he had covered with artificial elk hormones peering through the lens of an assault rifle created for long range combat in Afghanistan. Well done Luke, you killed an elk that was tricked into thinking it was going to bone another elk.



Below represents an abbreviated version of the transcripts of DBSF's interview with Scott:

DBSF: Yeah, and I mean the President with those two last names for names? Not like you, Luke. Good American, two first names--Luke and Scott.

Scott: shows picture to DBSF of elk carcasses.

DBSF: Let me jump to the point. You possess an unrivaled perspicacity when it comes to detecting the veracity of birth certificates.

Scott: still showing picture of elk.

DBSF: Right, well what about Giants' third basemen, Miguel Tejada? What do you think about him announcing when he was 31 years old that he was in fact 33 years old and that his Dominican birth certificate had been forged to make him more attractive to MLB teams when he was a teenager.

Scott: Doesn't exist.

DBSF: Pardon? Who doesn't?

Scott: Tejada. Aberration. Exists in a middle world. Hologram at best.

DBSF: Are you suggesting that 14-year veteran Miguel Tejada perhaps doesn't exist? Or, is some form of visual technology a la a Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Scott: He answer questions?

DBSF: As far as I know.

Scott: Hologram, hologram for sure.

DBSF: Perhaps we should consider time travel.

Scott: I said hologram.

DBSF: I'm convinced. Thank you for your time. One last question. How does traffic figure into the native born-Luke Scott can always access his birth certificate in 10 minutes equation?

Scott: Rolls up dead elk picture.

Denver RB Tweet: McDaniels Firing = Obama's Election

In reaction to Denver Bronco's owner, Pat Bowlen's, firing of head coach Josh McDaniels reserve running back Lance Ball tweeted that news of McDaniels' firing was commensurate to President Obama being elected president.

Now, DBSF is partial to Ball as he was a Terp, and when DBSF was a senior at UMD and Ball a freshmen they were in the same Tues/ Thurs basketball class (DBSF's team won the championship). But, comparing the firing of a second-year coach who has won only 5 of his last 22 games to the first African American president in a country who's legacies include slavery and Jim Crow laws might be a bit of an overstatement.

McDaniels did trade for Brady Quinn, who is a white Akili Smith (i.e., if Quinn was black he would've been offensive coordinating at some high school over a year ago), and only gave up Peyton Hillis, who is second in the NFL in rushing TDs. Among other accomplishments, the President passed a healthcare bill that a major political party has been demanding for half a century and, thus, is rumored to be of some significance.

So Lance, yeah, when McDaniels drafted Tim Tebow 3 rounds before any team was even considering a non-throwing quarterback DBSF's first association for McDaniels was with 'leader of the free world' and not with 'this guy seems like the kind of person that furiously yells at drive-thru speakers when the screen says chalupa but he said gordita'.

Mrs. DBSF, Robotic even for a Robot

In the world of celebrosphere blogging DBSF comes across Kardasholsen twins that would make most men melt. But, this robot takes the prize. She possesses literally no connection to reality--simply hands, gloves, and awkward finger poses. Please God don't let Mrs. DBSF learn about the existence of photo shop and CGI. It would do to her career what technology and outsourcing did to Cleveland.

Four Loko Substitutes

by: the Admiral

For those who don’t get their news from TMZ and the Yahoo! Home Page like me, Four Loko is an energy drink/alcohol combo that has the equivalent alcohol of 5 beers combined with the caffeine of 3 large coffees. It’s basically Bros Icing Bros on steroids.

My enemies who do not reside with me in the “personal responsibility”
camp have blamed Four Loko for car accidents, campus hospitalizations, the Holocaust, and the renewal for 13 more episodes of the Jersey Shore.

I don’t want to waste people’s time on a lecture about common sense and personal responsibility, so I’m taking a different angle on the Four Loko controversy in response to this article.

Partyers rush to stock up on Four Loko before it gets pulled from shelves after FDA says it’s unsafe

Dave Chappelle’s twin brother is confused by Four Loko

What this tells me is that there is going to be a void in the energy drink + blackout market that Red Bull and Vodka is not going to be able to fill. In response, I spent yesterday tinkering with some recipes and branding for my own concoctions.

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #1 – Red Bull & Roofies

Recipe: 16 oz Red Bull, 8 oz grain alcohol, 2 Rohypnol (crushed)

Product Name: Red Bull & Roofies has a nice ring to it, but I don’t plan on cutting Red Bull in on the profits or letting them know they are part of the recipe. I’m going to sell this in upscale establishments in an up glass as a Coma Martini ™ and at college bars as DRME (Date Rape Made Easy)™.

Effects: After drinking two of these I never felt more alive, or more dead, in my whole life. Once I infiltrate the bar scene, I expect them to resemble something out of a zombie charge from a George Romero Movie

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #2 – Malt Liquor & NoDoz

Recipe: 40 oz Olde English, 5 NoDoz, 1 milliliter of pure horse adrenaline, 5 Valium, Vitamin Water

Product Name: I plan to market this blackout energy drink to the inner city under the name Colt 45 Million™. Despite the inclusion of Vitamin Water I could not get 50 Cent on board for our advertising campaign. But, in a stroke of good luck and good sense, I’ve signed Afroman just in time for the holidays for a rerelease of his seminal album under the new name, “A Colt 45 Million Christmas.” We actually could not find any funding or distribution, so me and Afroman spent the whole day fucked up on 45 Mils fixing previously unsold copies of his album with Sharpies.

♫♫♫“I was gonna go to work, and then I got 45 Milled.”♫♫♫

Effects: In the 90s the catchphrase was “40 and a blunt is all i want.” After chilling with Afroman drinking Colt 45 Million on the stoop I’d say its comparable to a 40, a blunt, and dangerous amounts of crack cocaine.

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #3 – Rolling Rock Rave Mix

Recipe: 12 oz Monster Energy Drink, 3 Tablets of Ecstasy, PCP, Special K, the green liquid inside glow sticks, 12 oz Rolling Rock

Product Name: We are still working on the ad campaign for this green glowing possibly toxic product, but are considering selling it under the name Rolling Crackrock™, possibly with a free heart defibrillator.

Effects: Pretty damn good.

We won’t be tapping the pet blackout energy drink market until the 2011 rollout of Catnip Cocaine™, but the drinks mentioned above will be on the shelves at Ponchos, Lees, and the Golden Bull by the end of the week.

Wednesday Morning Rundown

One Got Punched in the Face by Andre Johnson (twice), and the Other has a Gnarly Full-back Cadillac Tattoo

















Derek Anderson wasn't Laughing, He was just Smiling Alot . . . Like Alot, Alot



Was Derek laughing or wasn't he? Did the reporter unfairly provoke Derek? DBSF doesn't care seeing as Derek Anderson is a quarterback in the NFC West, which is to the NFL what Central Florida is to the United States. That being said DBSF did take interest with Derek's comment that "I don't want to go out there and get embarrassed on Monday Night Football in front of everybody . . ."

Don't worry Derek, the Nielsen ratings were just released and shockingly the 49ers-Cardinals bore-a-thon collected about 28 fewer viewers than WGN's rerun of the Family Matter's episode where Carl and Urkel are on a chartered flight to Detroit and it turns out that the pilot was an ex-con Carl had busted years ago.

(No, no, Family Matters' screenwriters, of course airlines and the Federal Aviation Administration don't run background checks on commercial pilots. Now, go back to finishing that Weekend at Bernie's 3 screenplay.)

According to the Nielsen ratings the leading program in the 10-11pm time slot on Monday wasn't the Niners-Cardinals' nonperformance or the best of Family Matters Season 6. Ironically, it was a Nightline segment exposing the utter shock existing among Arizonans when they learned that the US populace was as interested in retaining Arizona in the Union as Arizonans were in welcoming undocumented workers. You can take it Mexico: it's flat, hot, and has terrible architecture.