Italia Trip Report #3 – Venezia Bar Crawl

by: the Admiral

Venice is an absolutely beautiful city. I stepped off the water taxi in Venezia at San Marco Square and the first thing I saw was the photo on the left. The photo on the right is from the Venetian Hotel & Casino on my last trip to Las Vegas:

I’ll have to verify which was built first, but my suspicion is that Venice, Italy has ripped off this Las Vegas landmark and built an EXACT full scale replica of the St. Mark's bell tower from the Venetian Las Vegas. I started to have flashbacks of a recent trip to Las Vegas to visit my brother playing in the WSOP when I drank way too much on the plane and my first memory in Vegas was recovering from a waking blackout 5 hours into a poker tournament at the Venetian.

Then while continuing to my hotel I saw the Hard Rock Venezia…..

…….and had a flashback to my 2005 trip to Vegas. Anyway, after having these Vegas flashbacks to swell party times in Vegas and since the rest of my party fell asleep upon arrival in Venezia I decided it was a good idea to do a Venetian Bar Crawl.

Café Molinari

I started at the Café Molinari where I had 3 tall Heinkens while watching the Italian National Basketball team play Finland. At first it looked like normal basketball. Their coach (pictured below, left) was like the Italian Pat Riley with his animated referee arguing and greased back hair. Although I must admit, greased back hair isn’t exactly uncommon in Italy.

They also had this guy with the Italian version of the Richard Hamilton face shield.

And shame on me for not snapping the photo in time, but they had a 5’9” version of Kurt Rambis complete with Italian Rec Specs. It was like the Mini-Me Kurt Rambis. Without the photo, below is the best Italian Rambis vs. U.S. Rambis comparative depiction I can offer.

After watching for a bit I realized this was not the PG County brand of basketball. Do you remember when the Harlem Globetrotters would play the Generals? This was the Generals vs. the Generals. Apparently to make the Italian National team the only qualifications are that you be over 5’7”, slow, Italian, and be one of the 12 people in the country that prefer basketball to soccer, Formula 1, bocce or skiing. Then I thought, I’m over 5’7”, I’m Italian, and I’m slow, I should join the Italian Basketball team.

Seriously; Airballs, bricks, errant passes, etc. PG County locals will have seen better basketball between middle schoolers at UP Drexel Park. I’m pretty sure even my Tunisian Crossover would have broken some ankles. The Tunisian crossover consists of only dribbling with my right hand, going at a leisured pace directly to the basket, and at some point during the slow, prolonged journey to the hoop I raise my head up from staring at the ball and momentarily look away from the hoop to my left.

Bacaro Jazz Bar

The Bacaro Jazz Bar is a combination of bars I’ve visited in New Orleans and Coyote Ugly, complete with dozens of bras strung from the ceiling. I asked for a draft of Hoegarden Beer and when he asked if I wanted the piccolo or grande I ordered the grande (large), not realizing I’d be receiving approximately two GALLONs of beer. My very photogenic barrel of Hoegarden is pictured below.

After 3 Molinari 16oz Heinkens, and a 256oz Hoegarden I got hungry. After two weeks of prosciutto, gnocchi, salami, formaggio, and other Italian foods I needed some regular drunken eats. I went with the “Chiken Wings with Mexican Sauce”.

I was okay with the C being missing from the word chiCken on the menu, but was utterly disappointed that the wings were not served with celery. As any god fearing, upstanding hot wing eater can tell you, celery serves as a coolant and is an essential part of the chicken wing experience and you should never eat wings without coolant.

Ristortante “Al Buso”

The Ristorante Al Buso was directly under the Rialto Bridge and I thought it was the perfect place to stop for another drink on my Venetian Bar Crawl adventure. The following interaction took place in Italian (English translation in bold red).

• Me: (Walk up to bar) Scusa mi mell barista, può ha per favore un grand'abbozzo di Heineken?
• Excuse me barkeep, can I please have a large Heineken draft?
• Barkeep: Lei non può prendere appena una birra. Lei deve prendere una tavola ed ordina alcuno cibo.
• You can’t just get a beer. You have to get a table and order some food.
• Me: Non sono spaventato.
• I am not scared.
• Barkeep: ……..… Che?
• ………………… What?
• Me: Penso che lei mi abbia sentito. Non sono spaventato. Sederò a quella tavola fuori da lì sotto il ponte. Portarmi le lasagne ed un Heineken disegnano.
• I think you heard me. I am not scared. I’ll be sitting at that table out there under the bridge. Bring me lasagna and a Heineken draft.

So even though I was full of Mexican Chiken Wings and an enormous amount of Hoegarden I was not going to let this barkeep put a damper on my Venetian Bar Crawl. I had a lively discussion with the two below gentlemen from Naples sitting next to me, and because my fluency in Italian dropped as my beer count rose there was a bit of confusion. It didn’t help that Jowls McGhee (on the right) was apparently stashing a slab of veal in each cheek. I still need to check my phrase book to confirm, but I think that I either accepted a job offer as a grape stomper from Jowls McGhee or I am betrothed to the hairiest daughter of Signori Orange Shirt on the left.

After enjoying the below pictured Heineken and forcing the lasagna to pile up on the chicken wings in my stomach I stopped by the bathroom to drain the beers.

When I stepped into the bathroom I was intrigued to see they had the famous toilet from the Godfather with the raised wooden tank where Michael Corleone retrieves the gun and walks out to execute Sollozzo and McCluskey.

I could hear Sonny Corleone’s voice in my head saying, “Hey, listen, I want somebody good – and I mean very good – to plant the gun. I don’t want my brother coming out of the toilet with just his dick in his hands, alright?” I almost reached into the tank to check for a gun, but after the pleasant conversation I had with Jowls McGhee and Signori Orange Shirt I didn’t feel right about executing them and slipping off into the quiet Venetian night. Plus, Michael had to flee to Sicily after the murder, and I had just driven from Rome to Tuscany to Venice and could not afford any more liters of diesel for my Renault 5008.

Birreria Paulaner

I only spent about 10 minutes at the Birreria Paulaner which consisted of watching some soccer, ordering a grappa, and then getting into a heated argument with the above pictured elderly couple from Boise, Idaho about whether grappa was an aperitif or digestif. I was almost certain it was the latter and with a panini, wings, lasagna, and a barrel of alcohol in my stomach I needed a digestif and could not afford to be wrong. The lady in the black dress pictured below sitting behind the old man settled the argument confirming it was indeed a digestif; I shouted, “IN THE FAAAAAAAAAACE!”, pounded my grappa and bolted out of there.

The ooBARoo

The oooooooooooooo Bar ooooooooooooooooo is where things go a little fuzzy. I ordered a Jack & Coke after having the following conversation with the bartender. My fluency in Italian at this point was buried somewhere in my subconscious hiding, not wanting to be the brain cells that expired permanently that night, so this conversation took place in English. My mumbling and stumbling were probably just as much at fault as the language barrier, but here is how it went down.

Me: Do you have Jim Beam?

Bartender: Yam Bing?

Me: JIM…….BEEEEEAMMM!

Bartender: Gamme Bayme?

Me: Bourbon. Jim Beam! Jim Beam with Coke.

Bartender: Ah yes. Coca-Cola. One Coca-Cola.

Me: No. no. no. JIM BEAM WITH COKE. BOURBON. WHISKEY! WHISKEY!!!

Bartender: Ahhh. Whiskey. Yack Daniels with Coca-Cola.

Me: Fine. Close enough. Give me a Yack Daniels with Coca-Cola.

Since DBSF was born as a blog about Society & Sport, I will mention that ski jumping was on the TV during this exchange. You know what’s insane. Ski jumping. There are three types; normal hill, large hill, and the third is actually called SKI-FLYING!! These guys ski down the ramp at 65mph, takeoff, jump distances of about 775 feet (2 and a half football fields) while falling 300 feet. Its basically skydiving without a parachute. Enough Eurosports coverage, back to the bar crawl.

Inishark Irish Pub

This picture of the Inishark Irish Pub was taken the following afternoon because I had to make a very quick exit from this place during my bar crawl. I ordered a Jameson on the rocks and while I waited 15 minutes for them to find the rocks (since no one uses ice in Italy) I was looking around at the stuff hanging on the walls. Looking at the photo now I realize that I was overreacting, but in my drunken haze I swore that the below rabbit face (left) was a dead ringer for Frank the Rabbit from Donnie Darko (right).

With sober eyes I can see that it wasn’t even close, but my drunk mind started racing and all I could hear in my head was Joy Divisions “Love will Tear Us Apart” playing while Frank the Rabbit is whispering in my ear, ”28 days... 6 hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end.” I downed the Jameson and suddenly felt very claustrophobic at the Inishark and in the narrow Venetian alleyways where it was located.

I booked it down the winding confusing streets, howled at the full moon,

And felt much better when I got into the less constricting wide open St. Mark’s Square.

San Marco Square

When I saw it earlier in the afternoon it was a zoo with a mass of people. Its much quieter and calm at night. The square is huge and beautiful and flanked on one side by the Doge’s Palace and St. Mark’s Basilica and St. Mark’s Bell Tower in another corner. In the large square they have 4 separate orchestras set up on small stages in front of café tables with musicians playing accordions, violins, and other instruments. I sat down, grabbed a menu, and was happy to see that this was the one place in all of Italy that serves Jim Beam. It was 11.50 Euro ($15), but I didn’t care. With service charge and “music charge” my bill was actually 26.50 Euro ($34.71), but was totally worth it.

It was without a doubt, the fanciest Beam & Coke I ever consumed. It was served by gentlemen in white tuxedos and came on a silver tray with

1) white linen lining

2) a highball filled halfway with Jim Beam

3) a glass coke bottle

4) a blue blown glass drink stirrer

5) a silver napkin holder with cloth napkins

6) a bowl of mixed nuts with a fancy serving spoon

7) a bowl of ice

One tuxedo clad server walked up with tongs and put individual ice cubes into my glass of Beam until I waved him off, then his partner poured the Coke until I waved him off. Then when I pulled out a cigarette to smoke before enjoying the music and my cocktail another white tuxedoed server bolted across the piazza like OJ Simpson running through the airport in a Hertz Rent-A-Car commercial and lit my cigarette and placed a bejeweled ashtray on my table.

Night Club Antico Pignolo

Sufficiently done after a bar crawl that started around 5:30 p.m. and was now approaching 1:30 a.m. I tried to orient myself and find my hotel. I starting walking ever growing spirals centered on San Marco Square. By 1:55 a.m. I hadn’t found my hotel, but I did find a mosaic tile singing a siren song, pointing me to the Night Club Antico Pignolo, which translates to the Ancient Wine Grape Discoteque.

I could just imagine or make up what happened at the Discoteque and report it to you, but the Admiral stands for honesty and integrity so I can not. This is because I have no photos or recollection of what happened after I walked forward and to the left as the red arrow directed me to, so there will be no further details about the Antico Pignolo.

The next and final memory of my epic Venetian Bar Crawl was just before sunrise when the guy (pictured below) was yelling at me to wake up and get the hell out of his gondola (also pictured below). I apologized, handed him 50 Euro which seemed to appease him, and asked him how to get to the Hotel Splendid Venice. He laughed, and pointed the bow of his gondola to the building right across the bridge at the top of the photo. He said for 20 more Euro I could hop back in and he’d ride me the 12 meters to my hotel. I declined and walk of shamed it over to the bridge and snapped his photo as he sailed beneath me.

P.S. I mean no disrespect to the Self Service Cat & Bar Banera. The only proof I have that I attended either establishment was these two photos and receipts from 7:00 and 7:15pm. I’m sure good times were had at both places, so even without any details I feel they’ve earned their inclusion into Italia Trip Report #3 – Venetian Bar Crawl.

Question for Roger Clemens

The sports' media is in hysteria over Roger Clemens return to Washington and his alleged lying to a Congressional panel on the use of steroids and human-growth hormones. Everyone wants to know: Did he do it? Did Roger take the steroids? Did he lie to Congress? Etc, etc, etc.

But, something's afoot at the Circle K. There's something blatant, and much more deserving of attention that is getting lost in the hype. A 48 year old, multimillionaire former Cy Young winner is rocking frosted tips.

Roger you are aware aren't you that you're going to a federal court to enter a plea on charges that could result in you serving over a year in jail? And, Roger--in a state of what DBSF has to believe is delusional judicial exigency--you thought frosted tips were, legally speaking, a "go-to"?

Fortunately for the Rocket's legal situation he nixed his original wardrobe of a fishnet button-down complimented with stone-washed, mid-thigh cut-off jean shorts.

Italia Trip Report #2 – Torneo di Bocce

by: the Admiral




Today we will still be discussing the previously mentioned 28 person, 2 donkey hamlet of Fellicarolo. Specifically we will be discussing one of Fellicaro's first loves; bocce ball. Bocce is taken very seriously, almost as a religious experience, and therefore must be adjacent to a church. Fellicarolo's church/bocce complex for religion/sports is pictured above.

In a town of with a population of 28 there were no less than 24 of them at the bocce ball court any time I passed by the church on my way to or from town. There were 2 weird things I noticed about these bocce ball matches.

1) The 1st is that the 24+ regular players I observed were all over 80 years old. Since the population of the town is 28, I guess the other 4 citizens of the town are younger and are in charge of procreation to ensure the continued populating of Fellicarolo into the future.

2) The 2^nd weird thing is that these octogenarians were holding bocce balls, but I rarely ever saw anyone actually throw one. There was a lot of arm flailing and screaming and some bad Italian words my grandmother used to call me, but there was not a lot of actual bocce going on. When I would walk by the debates ranged from whose ball was closer to why America sucks to how in the past EVERYTHING used to be better. Based on the game tempo I witnessed, the October 8^th, 2010 town tournament advertised below may actually overlap the start of the 2011 tournament.

I just have a few observations regarding this poster for the Fellicarolo Torneo di bocce (Click pic for large version).

1-If you did not believe me when I said Fellicarolo takes their bocce very seriously, just look closely at the poster and notice that they spell B-O-C-C-E using the 5 Olympic Rings to represent each individual letter. Apparently, this isn't just any town bocce tournament; this is the Bocce Olympics and Fellicarrolo is ground zero for the biggest, baddest bocciers in the world.

2- The second observation stems from the fact that this sign was up at all. I arrived in Fellicarrolo in early August; The poster was weathered and looked to be at least two months old and the adult tournament does not take place for another TWO months on October 8^th. HOW do you need 4 months to promote a town bocce ball tournament when out of the 28 person population, 24 of those 28 people can be found regularly at the bocce court. Couldn't they instead just have the following conversation on October 7^th,

Giuseppe: Hey, let's have our Bocce Olympics tomorrow? All in favor say 'Si'.

23 other old men at the bocce court: Si!!

Giuseppe: Okay, and whose not here? Giovanni, you go tell Angelo, Emilio, and Enzo, and tell him his rooster cannot enter this year and he owes me a goat.

3- You'll notice the sign says, "Vi aspettiamo numerosi" which translates to "We expect many." The reason it is in quotes is because even though it's full participation, 28 people hardly qualifies as "many."

JR Smith in an Altercation?

The AP is reporting that police are investigating an alleged altercation that took place between Denver Nuggets G/F JR Smith and another man at the Nugget's practice facility. DBSF has just one question: Is this the look of a guy who would get involved in an altercation?

Okay, well besides this time . . .







And, this time . . .










And, okay this time . . .

An Homage to Andre the Giant

DBSF and a colleague were doing some Big John Studd research when we inevitably came across the Wikipedia page for Andre the Giant. It's worth 10 minutes of your time to read the whole thing but DBSF felt it was imperative to draw your attention to Andre's mythic beer drinking capabilities. His three all-time totals in one sitting are:

3. 119 12 ounce beers in 6 hours. Andre supposedly passed out and couldn't be moved so people just had to leave him there.

2. 197 16 ounce beers in one sitting. This was confirmed by Mike Graham and Dusty Rhodes, which is commensurate to getting word from Kim Jong-il that he has literally zero intention of building a nuclear arsenal.

1. The Fabulous Moolah, in her autobiography (yes, she has one, no this isn't DBSF 1980's satire) claims that Andre once drank 327 beers in a Reading, PA hotel bar. Walking in and seeing Andre the Giant sh*t-hammered with 250 beer cans while you thought you were just losing a weekend to some second cousin's wedding in nowhere Pennsylvania has to be probably the greatest pick-me-up ever.

To put 327 beers in perspective, consider the following. That's about 30.5 gallons or just less than 1 oil barrel of beer. Assuming there are 150 calories in a beer that comes out to 49,050 calories. Considering that the average 31-50 year old woman should consume 1,800 calories per day (2,200 for men) that means that Andre in one beer sitting consumed the caloric intake for 27.25 women.

For the second piss break between beers 156 and 157 Andre probably had to consume 3 or 4 beers just to fill the 11 minutes it took him to urinate.

New DBSF TShirt

Click below to see the newest DBSF T-shirt.

Shirts available in all sizes in normal, tank top, and mesh tank top varieties when the DBSF merch page opens in 2018.

Italia Trip Report #1

by: the Admiral

I’ll be back in the States in a few days and there will be bits and pieces of my trip to the homeland interspersed throughout my regular ramblings in weeks to come. Today we are going to specifically focus on the best part of my trip. This was the week in the 28 person, 2 donkey hamlet on the very top of a mountain where my people come from (pictured above, our house in the center of the photo).

I have very few complaints. I hiked to the top of a mountain, drank vino outside by the fire at night, and ate great food. The one complaint I do have is that to get anywhere, buy anything, or do anything in this town you have to walk over hill and dale. If I’m going on a hike that is fine, but if I just want a bottle of Nutella or a pack of cigarettes then it can be very annoying because it requires walking through fields, then forests, then fields, then creeks, then fields; and that is the shortcut.

Here is a video of me walking to get a pack of cigarettes:





I queued up the wrong video; that wasn’t quite right. Instead of a chair, I was carrying a walking stick and my crown was from Burker King Rome.

NFL Preseason MVPs . . . and Future United Football Leaguers

Luke McCown, Kyle Orton, and Sage Rosenfels right now are the three hottest QBs in the NFL. All have 108+ QB ratings (McCown 124.5!) and have completion percentages in the low to high 60s. Of course if the Preseason counted for anything Kyle Orton would doing Gatorade and Sportscenter adds and cussing at kids in a football skit on Saturday Night Live.

But, the preseason is perhaps more important for who would be best accomodated by the UFL (United Football League, you know the Hartford Colonials) with the freshly unincarcerated Maurice Clarett. The top candidates at QB thus far this preseason: Tyler Palko, who's has 3 pics, no TDs and is averaging 4.6 yards per pass; and, the front runner for 'QB to be over-throwing screens to a Maurice Clarett or Ahman Green-type' Panthers' rookie, Jimmy Clausen. Clausen achieved his abysmal 35.0 QB rating by completing just under 46% of his passes, throwing 2 pics and no TDs while compiling 4 sacks.

On a positive note for former Notre Dame QBs, the play of Clausen and Brady Quinn have only bolstered Rick Mirer's legacy in the NFL.

Jordan & Kwame 2.0

In an otherwise inconsequential off-season move--save its irony of Shakespearean proportions--the AP is reporting that the Charlotte Bobcats will sign Kwame Brown to a one-year deal and, thus, reunite the ineffective Xboxer with his old Washington boss and teammate, Michael Jordan. Now if Jordan can just sign Jahidi White and Christian Laettner he can solidify the Bobcats as 22 win and sub-5,000 fans per game organization.

The Oxymoronic Medicine Behind Haynesworth's Rhabdomyolysis

A doctor friend ran a quick literature review on rhabdomyolysis, which occurs when muscles breakdown and release toxins into your blood. Here's the citation he pulled: "Fernandez et al reviewed 97 adult patients who presented to a university emergency department with rhabdomyolysis and found that the most common risk factors were cocaine use (30%), exercise (29%), and immobilization (18%)."

Basically most people suffering from "The R" (much easier to say/ type than rhabdomyolysis) are lethargic blow addicts, which seems like an oxymoron. DBSF always pegged Haynesworth as a Patron and room service guy but, apparently he's got some lazy partying in him.

2010 NFL Predictions: AFC West

The Oakland Raiders' decision to cut QB JaMarcus Russell earlier this season proved most unfortuitous for Denver back-up QB Brady Quinn because Russell's departure relegated Quinn back to his distinction as the worst QB in his division. (DBSF recognizes that this blog dedicates a disproportionate amount of content to Brady Quinn. But, then again it does so to Adam Morrison so what do you expect?)

1. San Diego Chargers (12-4)
Games between the Chargers and their AFC West divisional opponents come off more as formalities than actual athletic events. So, 6 wins from divisional play right there. The Chargers don't really have any weaknesses besides the fact that Norv Turner might be the nicest coach--save Jim Zorn--in the history of the NFL and nice coaches basically never win the big one. Of course, the Chargers might be able to offset this deficiency since Phillip Rivers is probably the biggest jerk in the NFL.

2. Oakland Raiders (8-8)
Most people might be shocked by this projection but keep in mind that the Raiders usually can count all of their wins in a season on one hand which bodes well for securing high draft picks and an easy schedule the following season. The team is loaded with talent at the skill positions and Jason Campbell should provide an excellent (and much needed) steadying force at QB. Ironically, DBSF just learned that former Redskins back-up QB Colt Brennan followed Campbell across the country to Oakland. You can only imagine Campbell's shock on the first day of mini-camp when he's in a new uniform with new teammates and then he looks across the field at the third stringers and there's old Colt bounce passing flies and hitting cornerbacks dead-on in the face mask.

3. Kansas City Chiefs (5-11)
There are probably 3 NCAA conferences the Chiefs couldn't win. However, they seem to draft well every year (there hasn't been hype for a safety like their first round pick, Eric Berry, since the Redskins drafted Sean Taylor) and they get to play Browns, Jags, Bills, Seahawks, Rams, and Denver twice. They might not win all of those games but the odds of seven 0-0 ties are highly unlikely so DBSF has the Chiefs improving by one win over last season.

4. Denver Broncos (3-13)
Denver's strengths: Their QB loves God more than the other team's QB. Weakness: Run defense, offensive skills' positions, special teams (basically everyone and thing not named Champ Bailey). DBSF predicts that Tim Tebow will make an appearance week 10ish when the Broncs have one win and everyone is questioning if drafting Tebow means they will trade away the Jake Locker pick. Coach Josh McDaniels is wedded to Tebow (figuratively, of course), and considering that Tebow wasn't much of a passer in college Bronco fans will likely have to suffer through 3 years of skip passes to running backs on third and long before both coach and Tebow are back ups in some less mountainous city.

2010 NFL Predictions: AFC South

Jaguars, Titans, Texans, Colts. One of these four teams left Baltimore in the middle of the night 25+ years ago for Indianapolis. (That's like trading a Chris Hoiles Donruss card for a forth-year Benito Santiago Upper Deck.) The other three teams didn't exist until after Justin Beiber was born. Ergo, the AFC South doesn't possess the historic rivalries of say the NFC East or North. (No fan ever got in a fight at a Texans-Jags game for wearing a Mark Brunell jersey in Houston.)

1. Indianapolis Colts (13-3)
Although most people outside of Indiana couldn't name a Colts wide receiver (no, no DBSF what about that black French guy), Peyton Manning should have little trouble carving up the 17th (Texans), 26th (Jags), and 31st (Titans) pass defenses. As for the Colts weakness, Defense (actually would be strong for most teams, but in comparison to their offense), they used their first three draft picks on the non-Peyton Manning side of the ball.

2. Houston Texans (10-6)
Matt Schaub putts up Madden on rookie numbers while looking like he's an Assistant Branch Manager at an exurbian Wachovia. DBSF likes that--Texans win their first playoff game.

3. Tennessee Titans (6-10)
The Titans finished strong in winning 8 of their last 10 and have a spectacular running back, whose name most football fans only know because of his fantasy value. But, with Vince Young at the helm the Titans possibilities are limited. Young, like phenom RB Chris Johnson, is a threat when he runs. Johnson, like Young, is not a threat to pass. Teams will likely pick up on this. Don't be surprised to see opposing defenses line up in goal line defense on 3rd and 15+.

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-14)
LA Clippers analogy joke, check. Brady Quinn-deprecating humor, check. Not much left for the bottom of the barrel teams. David Garrard legitimately seems like he might be the nicest guy in the NFL, so it's difficult to Brady Quinn him. But, giving him that $60 million extension two seasons ago makes the contract the Phoenix Suns gave Penny Hardaway seem reasonable. Verdict: the Jags are entering a rebuilding half-decade.

2010 NFL Predictions: AFC North

The AFC North is probably the most loathed of NFL divisions. It produces either tragically boring games (Cleveland, Cincinnati), or consists of teams (Baltimore, Pittsburgh) with fans that make the Khmer Rouge seem tolerable.

1. Baltimore Ravens (10-6)
For DBSF, Ravens' fans have done for camouflage what Al Qaeda did for air travel. Regardless, the organization drafts well, has a promising young QB in Flacco, and is deep at running back. In addition, the Ravens added WR Anquan Boldin and dropped TE Quinn Sypniewski. That should equate to at least one more win over last season's 9-7.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6) (tied)
It was an odd off-season for the Steelers. Roethlisberger learned of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's aversion to sexual assault (who knew?), the team traded WR Santonio Holmes who was coming off a career season for a 5th round pick, and then allegations were made that first round pick Maurkice Pouncey received a cool $100K from a sports agent while he was still playing at the University of Florida (likely the next team to join the NFL should it expand to 33). What came as a surprise to DBSF is that a high-profile Gator, like Pouncey, received only low six-figures. Pete Carroll made sure his boys at USC received at least the NBA league minimum.

3. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)
With TO now playing alongside Chad Ochocinco one might expect a greater showing from the Bengals than 9-7 but consider two other member of the WR corps. Antonio Bryant failed a drug test, and proceeded to file suit against the NFL in 2007 to stop drug testing him as he was no longer an NFL player. To DBSF, that qualifies as a genuine affinity for weed. The icing on the cake, Matt Jones, who makes Antonio Bryant look like Jeff Hornacek, was arrested in 2008 for having coke and weed in a parked car. (Way not to take the blow to some club or boat party, Matt.) Then in 2009 Jones failed a drug test by having alcohol in his system. The later event came as a result of a failed test for Washington County, not the NFL. So, this wasn't some surprise test, but the standard weekly piss test for the PO. Matt, you really couldn't stop drinking at midnight the night before you knew you had a piss test?

4. Cleveland Browns (6-10)
How could a team that added Jake Delhomme actually increase in projected wins, you ask? Four words. No, more, Brady, Quinn. In hindsight Quinn's public campaign to urge teams to draft him first in the 2007 draft seems questionable. Fortunately, Quinn's greatness will remain immortalized for us with this piece of cinematic ecstasy.

2010 NFL Predictions: AFC East

Geopolitically when most people think of the AFC East they consider the Patriots as America, the established power, and the Jets as China, an unstoppable rising force. Continuing with this analogy that makes the Dolphins Greece and the Bills one of those Central Asian post-Soviet satellite states that basically consists of hordes of nomadic tribes but was designated as a "state" because its hard for Americans, spatially and geographically speaking, to understand the idea of an area where people kind of just traverse and do there thing sans government.

1. New England Patriots (10-6)
To date the worst thing ever to happen to Tom Brady is that he impregnated a movie star just prior to romancing one of the world's most prominent supermodels. He says the worst moment in his life was not getting selected until the 6th round of the NFL draft. Either way this guy embodies perseverance and represents a beacon for overcoming adversity.

2. New Jersey/ York Jets (8-8)
After leading the Jets to a playoff run, Mark Sanchez (and an HBO documentary on the team's gregarious head coach) has many people believing that the Jets represent a threat to the Patriots in the division. Unfortunately, those people likely forgot that Mark Sanchez threw only 12 TDs to 20 interceptions (numbers that would make even Jake Delhomme shudder), and that the Jets success was predicated on a dominant pass defense (they gave up the fewest passing yards per game in the NFL . . .by over 30 ypg) led by no other than hold out Darrelle Revis. Without Revis the Jets reek of 6-10.

3. Miami Dolphins (8-8)
The Dolphins went 7-9 last season. In the off season they didn't draft anyone DBSF has heard of, and picked up Brandon Marshall. Marshall's explosiveness should make for 2 more wins but DBSF predicts that--yet again--Marshall and his brother will get in another wrestling match that involves Marshall slamming his hand through another glass table, which lacerates the imposing forearm to the degree that he can only play 8 games. So, 16/8 games = 2/1 wins.

4. Buffalo Bills (5-11)
Watching the Bills is punishment. There's limited value in a 9-6 barn-burner that involves twice as many punts as points. Anyway, ever since JP Losman left the Bills, DBSF has lost all interest in the team.

2010 NFL Predictions: NFC West

As stated in the assessment of the NFC South, mathematically speaking ties are highly unlikely in the NFL. If there were a greater possibility, say 0.0001%, then each team in the NFC West would finish the season with six 0-0 ties from their six divisional games because of the culture of futility that hangs over the division, like a toxic cloud. Much like the NL West, the NFC West will send a team to the playoffs because they are guaranteed a spot, not because said team has any hope of making it out of the wildcard.

1. San Francisco 49ers (10-6)
The 49ers picked up protection with two first round OL in this year's draft. There's no reason the 49ers shouldn't blow through the conference with a solid defense and a good RB, WRs, and TE. Oh wait, there is--Alex Smith. Of course, if Smith can't run the team at QB, the Niners picked up David Carr, whom no matter how many first round OL a team picks up can find a way to get sacked six times a game.

2. Arizona (7-9)
This is really tough. Arizona looks like they epitomize 5-11 but by the nature of their being in the NFC West they get to play Seattle and St. Louis twice. In addition, the NFC West is matched up with the AFC West, which--with the exception of San Diego--consists of teams that would probably be a stretch to make the Meineke Car Care Bowl if they played in the ACC. As if the Cardinals needed a bad omen apparently Matt Leinart fumbled on his first play from scrimmage in the pre-season. (DBSF uses "apparently" because he did not in fact watch the game as he still dedicates all August sports TV watching time to NBA Summer League.)

3. Seattle (5-11)
What's not to like? New QB (Charlie Whitehurst), new coach (Pete Carroll), new OT (Russell Okung) . . . DBSF suspects that Carroll's inability to succeed in the NFL will persist on account of the other team's being able to pay their player's too. The Seahawks also lost All-Pro LT Walter Jones and DE Patrick Kearney. Hasselback looks to be on the decline and if it weren't for the Whitehurst trade DBSF would advise the Seahawks to play for Jake Locker.

4. St. Louis Rams (2-14)
Coming off a 15 loss season that was really a 16 loss season because beating the Lions counts about as much as somewhere between kissing your sister and winning an on-line video gaming tournament, DBSF sees the Rams doubling up on last season's win total. First overall pick, Sam Bradford, will likely last 6 games behind the Ram's seine of an offensive line. That means Coach Spagnulo will call on ole' AJ Feeley to run the NFL's best three and out offense (outside, of course, the masterfully ineffective, Brady Quinn).

2010 NFL Predictions: NFC South

The NFC South would be more aptly named if it were called 'The New Orleans Saints and 3 Other Teams'. But, DBSF Maaattttt Ryan? Sure, Matt Ryan is promising but, he's promising in the sense that he can keep the Falcons out of Five-and-Elevenville. The other two teams' quarterbacks are Matt Moore and Josh Freeman. Considering that those two guy's little brothers don't even play with them on Madden should tell you something about the aura of confidence surrounding them.

1. New Orleans Saints (12-4)
Out of the division they have to go to Baltimore, Dallas, and Cincinnati, and at home they have the Vikings and the Ravens. Ergo, this team ain't winning 13 straight to start off the season, like they did last year. On another note, it will be interesting to see how the break-up with reality celeb Kim Kardashian affects Reggie Bush. Actually, no, no it will not be interesting at all.

2. Atlanta Falcons (10-6)
The problem with the Falcons last year? They're success in 2008 led to a much tougher schedule that resulted in losses to 6 good teams and the Panthers. This year's schedule is a little lighter but they still have Pittsburgh and Philadelphia on the road. Their other problem? Pass defense. Their answer? Dunta Robinson. That qualifies for one more win in 2010 for DBSF.

3. Carolina Panthers (6-10)
The Panthers finished last season with wins over Minnesota, the Saints, and blowing out the Giants at the Meadowlands. They started weak and suffered from a tough schedule and Jake Delhomme throwing an astounding 18 pics to only 8 TDs. In the first day of the 2010 draft they picked up Jimmy Clausen, and two WRs, one of which played at perennial powerhouse Appalachian State. In the off season they lost Julius Peppers to the Bears and replaced him with 6th round pick Greg Hardy out of Mississippi. That's like replacing Albert Pujols with Billy Ripken. Verdict? The Panthers are headed for a drop-off.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12)
The Bucs won 3 games last year. They should have won 1. They used their first two picks on D-tackles to address the fact that they were last in run defense last season. The bigger problem was rookie QB Josh Freeman. DBSF just confirmed that he was throwing with his correct hand, and that he wasn't in some sort of covert competition with division rival Jake Delhomme to see who could throw the most interceptions and the fewest TDs. Why 4 wins then? They play the Browns, Rams, Lions, and Seahawks at home. (And, they get to go to Arizona.) The probability that all five of those games end in 0-0 ties is highly unlikely, mathematically speaking.

2010 NFL Predictions: NFC North

Will Farve lead the Vikings back to the NFC Championship where he will audible every running play into a pass, deteriorate in front of millions of viewers by throwing 8 interceptions in a 25+ point loss, or will Tavaris Jackson jump-bounce pass 10 yard outs and lead opponents to put 10 in the box to counter Adrian Peterson? Calling the NFC North is difficult.

1. Minnesota Vikings (13-3)
Assuming Brett Fav-eh-ruh returns, the Vikings offense should remain dynamic because of Peterson, Harvin and Co at the skill positions. They might have addressed their primary weakness, pass defense, with their first pick, UVA CB Chris Cook. The Vikings get extra points for using a first day draft pick on a WRB (white running back), Stanford's Toby Gerhart. Whether or not he'll be able to run over linebackers in the NFL, like he did in the Pac-10 remains to be seen, but DBSF believes the Viking's WRB experiment will end with two years of special teams detail followed by a career coaching running backs back at Stanford.

2. Green Bay Packers (10-6)
Ryan Grant bounced back lat last season, which is promising for the Packers. In 2009, the Pack gave up the 6th fewest points per game, and the fewest rushing yards per game in the league but the defense looked inconsistent in its 5 losses where it gave up over 30 points in each game. Further, the NFC North is lined up with the NFC East, not the NFC West like last year, which should equate to one less win.

3. Chicago Bears (8-8)
The Bears added Julius Peppers to a solid Defense (mid to lower middle in the league in points and yards allowed per game), which theoretically should push the Bears' defense up a tier. DBSF says 'theoretically' because that is assuming Peppers plays every game. But, after the Bears exhibited rather questionable financial perspicacity in giving the 30 year old Peppers a 6-year $90+ million deal (over $40M guaranteed) DBSF expects phantom ankle and shoulder injuries to afflict Peppers throughout the season to the degree that he plays no more than 10 games, 7 of which are at full effort and "health". Another problem for the Bears--Jay Cutler. Last year he threw 26 interceptions. DBSF has some advice for Jay this season. Open your eyes when you throw the ball.

4. Detroit Lions (5-11)
The LA Clippers haven't had a team this good since Danny Manning was putting up 20+ a game in the early 90's. Although Al-Farouq Aminu was a questionable pick, with Blake Griffin returning from micro fracture surgery to join Baron Davis, Chris Kaman, and Eric Gordon DBSF could see the Clippers exhibit astronomical improvements and win as many as 35% of their games this season . . . wait, wait . . . Lions? Detroi . . ? Oh, oh yes. Mathew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, Ndamukong Suh, sure sure. 3-13, 5-11, whatever. Does it really matter?

2010 NFL Predictions: NFC East

Upon returning from a 3 week holiday, DBSF encountered the inevitable mid-August reality: that the NFL season starts in less than a month. Thus, prognostications are due. Over the next few days DBSF will analyze each division, starting with the NFC East.

1. Washington Redskins (10-6)
Coming off a 4-12 2009 season this might seem absurdly optimistic, but keep in mind that Shanahan + a great QB = Superbowls in Denver and San Fransisco (Shanahan was the Niner's O-Coordinator). Although the Skins have an unproven O-Line, an ancient RB corps, and spectacularly ineffective WRs Shanahan's system sytem relies on bootlegs and misdirections, which in combination with McNabb's athleticism, will buy McNabb time without putting too much pressure on the O-Line.

If McNabb is getting out of the pocket, and moving the ball through the air then the running game should open up as the defense will get spread thin. Shanahan also relies heavily on TEs and the Skins have two elite receiving (not blocking) TEs in Cooley and Fred Davis. Thus, the issue of the inability of the Skins' WRs to get open/ catch a ball should be ameliorated. The Defense is already solid, and DBSF believes that the Haynesworth drama will die down before the season starts as he will learn that he can only make 8-figures a year playing football and not drinking Patron and playing XBox by himself, and as such will likely put in a dominating season whether he's in a 3-4 or a 4-3 because he's 6'6" 350+ pounds and genuinely crazy (which represent the two requirements for a dominant DT--bigger and crazier).

2. Dallas Cowboys (9-7)
Although Dez Bryant might have been the steal of the draft based on ability, DBSF predicts that the Cowboys will become mired in inconsistency and fall off from their 11-5 2009 season. DBSF can see the Cowboys winning five games in a row and blowing out a division opponent by 25+, and then dropping games to less worthy opponents. Going back to back against the Saints and Colts in late November and early December doesn't help either.

3. NY Giants (8-8)
The Giants look eerily similar to last season's 8-8 team, and haven't made any additions that would suggest a change (although David Carr is in San Francisco now, so their back-up QB should get sacked less often in practice). Outside the NFC East their schedule doesn't look too menacing except for the Colts and the Vikings, who may or may not have Brett Favre, so they could get up to 9-7.

4. Philadelphia Eagles (7-9)
Gone are McNabb, Westbrook, and Dawkins, in are Kolb, McCoy (and friends), and Allen. This team is facing the same gravitationally bound direction as other aging could've beens, like the Denver Nuggets and LA Angels. However, DBSF thinks Kolb is going to impress this year, and Andy Reid will find ways to pull out victories.

So, 10 wins takes the NFC East, and in a dark horse Superbowl prediction DBSF likes the Skins led by Shanahan and McNabb coming out of the NFC.

Arrivederci Scoombatzos, (Catch ya’ later, dirtbags)

by: the Admiral

This will probably be my last blogpost before packing my bags and heading to the motherland. In my youth I was reasonably fluent in Italian, but now it’s fairly difficult for me to understand Italian and even harder to speak.

I considered taking a refresher course at the Learning Annex or using Rosetta Stone to bone up on my Italian skills before shipping off to the old country. In the end, I decided that a phrase book and a moustache were all that I would need. What does a moustache have to do with it? Just watch.

I will miss you all during my absence. You may even see a post during my trip. I would have to procure a donkey from Don Giuseppe, who basically runs the mountaintop town where I am staying. It’s a town with a population of 28 where my mom was born and the only passage to the internet café 6 valleys away is via donkey.

It’s a hard trip, but I will take inspiration from the fact many winters ago my mother packed many jars of marinara sauce and the recipe for green lasagna onto a similar donkey and battled blizzards and bocce ball throwing bandits to make her way down that mountain, across the Alps, and across the ocean until that brave donkey eventually died just as it galloped onto Ellis Island.

Also, DBSF should be back from the Straight Frying Middle East Promotional Tour any day now. He promised some fresh material from his voyage. The first new jokes he tried out on me weren’t that great (example – “That’s a bunch of Istan bull, turkey!”), but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

So, until we meet again, I just want to say babbity boopy, beepity boopity babba de ba, bappity boopa! DISGRACIA!