Tucker Carlson, Michael Vick, and the Racial Divide

For Americans who believe that the country has reached a post-racial state where the only thing left needed to end racial discrimination is to stop talking about it, Tucker Carlson brings us back to reality. Carlson, who represents--at least, in DBSF's mind--a beacon of protestant white conservatism, was guest hosting for the Sean Hannity show when he announced that Michael Vick "should have been executed" for his role in dog fighting.

Presumably the comment simply reflects irrational exuberance, or Carlson, a talking head of talking heads, seeking (and achieving) publicity through sensational content. But, there's likely something deeper to the comment. Fox News, which runs Hannity's show, appeals to a more conservative, whiter audience. Carlson echoes a sentiment common among many whites--DBSF believes--that Vick serving 1.5 years in prison, losing 2 years of high income earnings in a career that lasts on average about 3.5 years, and suffering substantial financial repercussions was insufficient.

But, Carlson and many whites miss an important point--although undeniably heinous in his actions, Vick killed dogs. Animals, not humans. The justice system determined an appropriate (some might say extreme) sentence and Vick served it and reentered society, just as is hoped for. The Tucker Carlson's of this world ignore a story of redemption in Vick's return. Perhaps blacks possess a greater appreciation for Vick's redemption because they've experienced a criminal justice system that for centuries has disproportionately penalized them*.

The Tuckers of America and everyone else who absorb their news from talk radio/ TV (i.e., fox news, MCNBC, etc.) savor sensationalism. For example, it's much easier to preach to conservative whites that a black athlete, like Vick who fits many negative stereotypes that whites hold of blacks, deserves to be executed than it does to consider the serious challenges ex-offenders experience in gaining employment. Whites miss the point that Vick's reemergence as a dominant NFL player--one who took his talents for granted, fell from grace, received a second chance, and worked himself into a potential NFL MVP--should represent an exceptional story of American perseverance.

(For conservatives of the Ronald Reagan ilk, with its unabashed adherence to individualism, what is more American than picking yourself up by the boot straps and making right in a culture and organization that cast you off?)

Fortunately for white athletes, like Ben Roethlisberger (2x :P), Mark Chmura, some Notre Dame player, a college baseball player, etc., etc., Carlson only believes that animal abuse--and not rape--justifies the death penalty. (We'd have lost a lot of our good athletes.)


*Note: This link is to a quick fact sheet on the racial divide with respect to the death penalty. There are endless studies and books (with superb methodologies) indicating indisputable racism experienced by African Americans in the US criminal justice system.

All-Time Seven Foot-plus XBoxer Fight

Supposedly Washington Wizards F/Cs Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee were suspended for one game earlier this week after the teammates got in a fight with each other outside a nightclub last Friday morning. The image of two under-weight seven-footers (okay, Andray is 6' 11") with all the three and a half foot limbs flailing, and all the "nah, nah, son" exclamations it seems such an event represents the fundamental reason for the existence of video-internet technology.

While the altercation comes as little surprise to DBSF considering that McGee and Blatche possess a mien of the Oliver Miller/ JR Rider caliber, DBSF believes the fight likely originated based on one of three issues:

1) Earlier in the night while pregaming at McGee's, Blatche accidentally saved over and, thus, erased McGee's dynasty season (he had played up to the 2045-2046 NBA season) on NBA Live 2011 with the Lakers where JaVale McGee, JaVale McGee, Jr., and JaVale McGee, Jr., Jr. had led the team to thirty straight NBA Championships while scoring 250 points per game and holding their opponents to 3% field goal shooting; 2)McGee accidentally stepped on Blatche's team issued shoes (as fortune would have it, the Wizards, like every other NBA team, offer the team issued shoes complimentary and without end so Andray just ask for another pair, or five pairs, of shoes at tomorrow's practice); or, 3) Blatche told McGee that he "looks like a hungry Sinbad."

Disconcerting Prospectus for US in Global Competition v. PRC

If this video serves as foreshadowing for the US's economic competition with China in the 21st century, then this hurdler presents daunting imagery as the Chinese, although inadequate as hurdlers, see the proverbial finish line and will get there at any cost.

Notice how after missing the first three hurdles he proceeds to karate-chop the next several. But, on the fourth karate-chop the hurdle horseshoes him and he face-plants in his opponents lane. He then decides "the heck with this noise", enters his opponents lane, double karate-chops a hurdle (clearly, he learned from the horseshoeing episode caused by the previous hurdle), and jumps onto his/ his opponents final hurdle.

After completing the event he walks around as if nothing is out of the ordinary besides somebody not bringing him a Gatorade or something. (Notice in the last second of the film that he proceeds to stumble when stepping from the track onto the grass, thus establishing a perfectly futile 30 seconds of human existence.)

The Admiral vs. The Most Interesting Man in the World

by: the Admiral

vs

One is a suave Dos Equis adman in his 60s who is a mix between Ernest Hemingway, Bill Murray, Burt Reynolds, Ralph Furley, and Royal Tenenbaum. The other is a blog writer with almost 4 regular readers that Burt Reynolds wishes he could be.

Let’s compare the achievements from the commercials to my own and see who you would rather have a beer with.

The Most Interesting Man in the World:

The police often question him just because they find him interesting

He's a lover, not a fighter, but he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas

He lives vicariously through himself

He can speak French... in Russian

His parents were named after him

If he punched you in the face, you’d have to fight the urge to thank him

Sharks have a week dedicated to him

The Admiral:

I found Waldo, twice

I sent $5,000 to the Nigerian Prince and received $20,000,000 in return

When I disagree with you, it is because you are wrong

When I gets pulled over for speeding I let the officer off with a warning.

I know what Willis is talking about

I can order breakfast at McDonalds at 3 in the afternoon

I fought the law and the law lost

When I use an ATM, I charge it a fee

I finished reading the Never Ending Story

The less than Photogenic NBA Class of 2010

The 2010 NBA draft had a bit of everything: approximately 8 players in the first round from John Calipari's semi-pro Wildcat's team (supposedly they're associated with the University of Kentucky--the bastion of American thought); a Venezualan, a Canadian, a Brit; the gratuitous over-hyped, exceptionally athletic UNC power forward that possesses minimal basketball skills and an Indian Jones in the snake pit fear of the paint; and Luke Harangody.

But, in his monthly analysis to see how the rookie class is performing, DBSF noticed something. This class takes perhaps the worst pictures of any group of 60 marginally functioning adult men. It's not that any of these men--save Harangody--are particularly unattractive; rather they seem to have no understanding of how to form their face in front of a camera. (Either smile or look straight ahead, boys.)

It's like they're six years old and the concept of smiling is too abstract so they simply open their eyes extra wide and spread their lips and show their teeth. (Or, because they're 19 and laboriously cool they squint and open a fraction of their mouth.)

Below are some of the more impressive head shots from Yahoo! Sports.

#1 overall pic John Wall--John do what you're doing with the left side of your mouth on the right side too. The mustache just makes it weirder.


#5 pic DeMarcus Cousins--A) you wore a headband to the photo shoot and you definitely did not see any other teammates with one, and B) you're looking like you're trying to carry the photographer (she gets paid $150 for the session by the NBA and that doesn't include gas or lunch--let's make this as easy as possible for her).


#8 pic Al-Farouq Aminu--Innocent mistake; case of six-year oldism. No idea how to shape his mouth into a smile. DBSF is proud of him that he tried.


#16 pic Luke Babbitt--Surely you mean well, Luke. See: John Wall advice.


#18 pic Eric Bledsoe--Eric Bledsoe + Luke Babbit = perfect smile. Independent they're merely exemplars for DeMarcus Cousins.


#52 pic Luke Harangody--Luke this isn't your head shot for the Navy Seals. Relax, have some fun. Alright, fine. Have it your way. Stare at the photographer like you want to fight her.

XBoxing in the NBA

After the Lakers-Wizards game earlier this week, Ron Artest said that Wizards center, Javale McGee "could be a really good player. I think he got to go to school a little bit more. He's got to work on that IQ a little bit. He got to watch more tape. I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games. I do." Based on no evidence, DBSF has a suspicion that the two greatest impediments to most NBA players' success are pot and XBOX (or playstation or any other video game system, although DBSF doubts that Sebastian Telfair goes 36-straight hours on massive multi-player computer RPGs, like World of Warcraft on-line).



You might think that in the NBA video games are a harmless distraction, or an opportunity to entertain the under-agers, who can't hit the clubs on road trips. But, consider this--do you honestly think, ever--literally ever--that Michael Jordan or, say, Hakeem Olajuwon or Charles Barkley ever touched a video game? Jordan had video games named after him and DBSF doubts he even opened the complimentary overnighted UPS package of 60 copies of Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. You think Olujawon ever put in an Altered Beasts or Bad Dudes session? No, those guys balled, partied until 5 in the morning (okay maybe not Olajuwon), and woke up at 7am to go right back at it. They were the brat pack; but, athletic.

Now you have like Daniel Gibson and DeMar DeRozan creating NBA Live 2011 Daniel Gibsons and DeMar DeRozans that are 7'10", 600lbs, 100 speed, 100 agility, 100 shooting, etc. and scoring 100 points and grabbing 80 rebounds a night and blowing out the competition en route to a 15th consecutive championship for the Raptors. Heck, Nick Young thinks that because he dropped 45 with himself on Live against the Heat at difficulty: rookie he's ready for the Celtics. There in lies the problem.



But, DBSF got to thinking--is there really a positive relationship between XBoxing/ pot smoking and losing? What's the one team that you can almost unequivocally say has no gamers or smokers? The Spurs--a perennial NBA power, and the team with the best record in the NBA. All DBSF is saying is that you know if Greg Popovich walks into one of his player's houses and sees two 72" flat screens with octopus-like tentacles of wires leading to Playstations and such, or if he goes through his players' cupboards and sees an absurd amount of cereal, ice cream, garlic and honey flavored chips, or any evidence of a disproportionate amount of children's snacks for a grown man then that player will be a Timberwolve before he can say "a draft pick to be determined later".

Elin Woods Moving on . . . with a Bro she met in Psych Class

Yahoo!/ the National Enquire are reporting that Elin Nordegren is moving on from Tiger Woods with a "35 year old South African" she met while studying for her psychology degree in Florida. Now, let DBSF get this right.

To get that Swedish super-human, her $100 million-plus dowry, and the opportunity for a lifetime of awkward "hey I'm banging your ex-wife, and yeah, your kids like me more because I'm basically the cool uncle who lets them do whatever they want and play XBox like 24/7 because well, heck, they're not my kids, I mean I'm in this for the blonde and the Scrooge McDuck money vault you left her" greetings with the world's greatest golfer, all you had to do was sign up for PSCY 126: Psychology of Gender at Florida Atlantic, sit next to the one person who wasn't festooned in hemp accessories and Billabong attire and let her carp about ol' Tiger?

For American males this should qualify as one of the greatest missed opportunities of the last fifty years--up there with letting Tom Brady fall to the second day of the draft and not shorting Bear Sterns in February 2008. In return for our collective ignorance and lassitude, some South African, who uses words like "bloke" and "car park" and gets philosophical on things like rain hitting sand and Seagulls crackling at each other, hoodwinks us and takes our most eligible bachelorette. And, to think DBSF cheered for South Africa in the World Cup.

Luke Scott, Miguel Tejada & the Netherworld

Yahoo! Sports wasted approximately 348K office hours today with news that Orioles OF Luke Scott believes that President Obama was not in fact born in America. Scott bases this admonition on two critical points. First, at any point--as long as he is within 2 miles of his home in Florida--Luke Scott can acquire his birth certificate in 10 minutes. Second, Obama--in Scott's view--doesn't answer questions.



Before getting distracted by a Youtube collage of kittens sleeping on dogs, DBSF was reviewing the US Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services' FAQs on requirements for being "native born". He didn't find anything about the question dodging, but apparently the 103rd US Congress did pass legislation making it mandatory for all Americans to qualify as "native-born" based on the proximity Luke Scott was to his birth certificate when said American exited said American's mother's birth canal.

Then, DBSF got to thinking--if Scott has such strong beliefs on the birth certificate and native status of the President of the United States, what would he think about ex-Oriole Miguel Tejada, who in 2008 at the age of 31/33 was discovered to be 2 years older than his Dominican birth certificate stated? DBSF quickly boarded the DBSF charter 747 to Lake Buena, FL where MLB's winter meetings are taking place to interview Scott. (Oddly, enough the DBSF charter 747 looks and moves suspiciously like the Greyhound from Baltimore to Orlando.)



Author's Aside: It was also reported that Scott was walking around the meeting with pictures of deer and wildlife he had recently shot. So, yes we're dealing with someone who finds it socially appropriate to show strangers a picture of him holding a dead 2,000 lb elk that he had "got" after spending 8 hours in a tree that he had covered with artificial elk hormones peering through the lens of an assault rifle created for long range combat in Afghanistan. Well done Luke, you killed an elk that was tricked into thinking it was going to bone another elk.



Below represents an abbreviated version of the transcripts of DBSF's interview with Scott:

DBSF: Yeah, and I mean the President with those two last names for names? Not like you, Luke. Good American, two first names--Luke and Scott.

Scott: shows picture to DBSF of elk carcasses.

DBSF: Let me jump to the point. You possess an unrivaled perspicacity when it comes to detecting the veracity of birth certificates.

Scott: still showing picture of elk.

DBSF: Right, well what about Giants' third basemen, Miguel Tejada? What do you think about him announcing when he was 31 years old that he was in fact 33 years old and that his Dominican birth certificate had been forged to make him more attractive to MLB teams when he was a teenager.

Scott: Doesn't exist.

DBSF: Pardon? Who doesn't?

Scott: Tejada. Aberration. Exists in a middle world. Hologram at best.

DBSF: Are you suggesting that 14-year veteran Miguel Tejada perhaps doesn't exist? Or, is some form of visual technology a la a Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Scott: He answer questions?

DBSF: As far as I know.

Scott: Hologram, hologram for sure.

DBSF: Perhaps we should consider time travel.

Scott: I said hologram.

DBSF: I'm convinced. Thank you for your time. One last question. How does traffic figure into the native born-Luke Scott can always access his birth certificate in 10 minutes equation?

Scott: Rolls up dead elk picture.

Denver RB Tweet: McDaniels Firing = Obama's Election

In reaction to Denver Bronco's owner, Pat Bowlen's, firing of head coach Josh McDaniels reserve running back Lance Ball tweeted that news of McDaniels' firing was commensurate to President Obama being elected president.

Now, DBSF is partial to Ball as he was a Terp, and when DBSF was a senior at UMD and Ball a freshmen they were in the same Tues/ Thurs basketball class (DBSF's team won the championship). But, comparing the firing of a second-year coach who has won only 5 of his last 22 games to the first African American president in a country who's legacies include slavery and Jim Crow laws might be a bit of an overstatement.

McDaniels did trade for Brady Quinn, who is a white Akili Smith (i.e., if Quinn was black he would've been offensive coordinating at some high school over a year ago), and only gave up Peyton Hillis, who is second in the NFL in rushing TDs. Among other accomplishments, the President passed a healthcare bill that a major political party has been demanding for half a century and, thus, is rumored to be of some significance.

So Lance, yeah, when McDaniels drafted Tim Tebow 3 rounds before any team was even considering a non-throwing quarterback DBSF's first association for McDaniels was with 'leader of the free world' and not with 'this guy seems like the kind of person that furiously yells at drive-thru speakers when the screen says chalupa but he said gordita'.

Mrs. DBSF, Robotic even for a Robot

In the world of celebrosphere blogging DBSF comes across Kardasholsen twins that would make most men melt. But, this robot takes the prize. She possesses literally no connection to reality--simply hands, gloves, and awkward finger poses. Please God don't let Mrs. DBSF learn about the existence of photo shop and CGI. It would do to her career what technology and outsourcing did to Cleveland.

Four Loko Substitutes

by: the Admiral

For those who don’t get their news from TMZ and the Yahoo! Home Page like me, Four Loko is an energy drink/alcohol combo that has the equivalent alcohol of 5 beers combined with the caffeine of 3 large coffees. It’s basically Bros Icing Bros on steroids.

My enemies who do not reside with me in the “personal responsibility”
camp have blamed Four Loko for car accidents, campus hospitalizations, the Holocaust, and the renewal for 13 more episodes of the Jersey Shore.

I don’t want to waste people’s time on a lecture about common sense and personal responsibility, so I’m taking a different angle on the Four Loko controversy in response to this article.

Partyers rush to stock up on Four Loko before it gets pulled from shelves after FDA says it’s unsafe

Dave Chappelle’s twin brother is confused by Four Loko

What this tells me is that there is going to be a void in the energy drink + blackout market that Red Bull and Vodka is not going to be able to fill. In response, I spent yesterday tinkering with some recipes and branding for my own concoctions.

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #1 – Red Bull & Roofies

Recipe: 16 oz Red Bull, 8 oz grain alcohol, 2 Rohypnol (crushed)

Product Name: Red Bull & Roofies has a nice ring to it, but I don’t plan on cutting Red Bull in on the profits or letting them know they are part of the recipe. I’m going to sell this in upscale establishments in an up glass as a Coma Martini ™ and at college bars as DRME (Date Rape Made Easy)™.

Effects: After drinking two of these I never felt more alive, or more dead, in my whole life. Once I infiltrate the bar scene, I expect them to resemble something out of a zombie charge from a George Romero Movie

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #2 – Malt Liquor & NoDoz

Recipe: 40 oz Olde English, 5 NoDoz, 1 milliliter of pure horse adrenaline, 5 Valium, Vitamin Water

Product Name: I plan to market this blackout energy drink to the inner city under the name Colt 45 Million™. Despite the inclusion of Vitamin Water I could not get 50 Cent on board for our advertising campaign. But, in a stroke of good luck and good sense, I’ve signed Afroman just in time for the holidays for a rerelease of his seminal album under the new name, “A Colt 45 Million Christmas.” We actually could not find any funding or distribution, so me and Afroman spent the whole day fucked up on 45 Mils fixing previously unsold copies of his album with Sharpies.

♫♫♫“I was gonna go to work, and then I got 45 Milled.”♫♫♫

Effects: In the 90s the catchphrase was “40 and a blunt is all i want.” After chilling with Afroman drinking Colt 45 Million on the stoop I’d say its comparable to a 40, a blunt, and dangerous amounts of crack cocaine.

Admiral Blackout Energy Drink #3 – Rolling Rock Rave Mix

Recipe: 12 oz Monster Energy Drink, 3 Tablets of Ecstasy, PCP, Special K, the green liquid inside glow sticks, 12 oz Rolling Rock

Product Name: We are still working on the ad campaign for this green glowing possibly toxic product, but are considering selling it under the name Rolling Crackrock™, possibly with a free heart defibrillator.

Effects: Pretty damn good.

We won’t be tapping the pet blackout energy drink market until the 2011 rollout of Catnip Cocaine™, but the drinks mentioned above will be on the shelves at Ponchos, Lees, and the Golden Bull by the end of the week.

Wednesday Morning Rundown

One Got Punched in the Face by Andre Johnson (twice), and the Other has a Gnarly Full-back Cadillac Tattoo

















Derek Anderson wasn't Laughing, He was just Smiling Alot . . . Like Alot, Alot



Was Derek laughing or wasn't he? Did the reporter unfairly provoke Derek? DBSF doesn't care seeing as Derek Anderson is a quarterback in the NFC West, which is to the NFL what Central Florida is to the United States. That being said DBSF did take interest with Derek's comment that "I don't want to go out there and get embarrassed on Monday Night Football in front of everybody . . ."

Don't worry Derek, the Nielsen ratings were just released and shockingly the 49ers-Cardinals bore-a-thon collected about 28 fewer viewers than WGN's rerun of the Family Matter's episode where Carl and Urkel are on a chartered flight to Detroit and it turns out that the pilot was an ex-con Carl had busted years ago.

(No, no, Family Matters' screenwriters, of course airlines and the Federal Aviation Administration don't run background checks on commercial pilots. Now, go back to finishing that Weekend at Bernie's 3 screenplay.)

According to the Nielsen ratings the leading program in the 10-11pm time slot on Monday wasn't the Niners-Cardinals' nonperformance or the best of Family Matters Season 6. Ironically, it was a Nightline segment exposing the utter shock existing among Arizonans when they learned that the US populace was as interested in retaining Arizona in the Union as Arizonans were in welcoming undocumented workers. You can take it Mexico: it's flat, hot, and has terrible architecture.

Another Perspective on Jordan v. Kobe v. LeBron

Perhaps the greatest challenge in comparing Jordan, Kobe, and LeBron rests in controlling for their supporting casts. LeBron and Jordan never played with a player of Shaq's caliber (in his prime), like Kobe. But, one way to compare the three is to look at the number of All-Stars that played with them.

Since excluding this season LeBron has played in 7 full seasons, I compared the first 7 seasons for each player. In the first 7 seasons, Jordan won 1 title, Kobe 3, and LeBron 0. Jordan was selected an all-star each of his first 7 seasons (for his second he was on the player IR), LeBron was selected for 6 of his first 7 (all except his rookie year), and Kobe was selected for 5 (like James he was selected to all but his rookie year; during his third season the lockout eliminated the All-Star game.)

With respect to All-Star teammates, Kobe also played with the most. He played alongside an All-Star 8 times (Eddie Jones, Nick Van Exel, and Shaq, who was selected for all non-lockout seasons). LeBron followed playing with an All-Star twice in his first 7 years (Moe Williams and Zydrunas Ilgauskas). Jordan, however, only played with an All-Star once (Scottie Pippen). In fact in 1990-91 when Jordan won his first title he was the only All-Star on the Bulls.

Of course, this information fails to definitively show who had superior teammates, but in the first 7 seasons--according to coaches and fans, at least--Kobe played on better teams.

Michael Vick: Still having to Waste Time because of how much White People Love Dogs

After arguably one of the greatest games in the history of the NFL at the quarterback position against the Redskins two weeks ago, Michael Vick had yet another MVP-quality outing against division rival NY Giants to take sole possession of first place in the NFC East. (For those keeping record, when Vick plays the whole game the Eagles are 5-0; when he doesn't they're 2-3.)

While most QBs named Tom, Peyton, or Elijah spent the week preparing for their next opponent, Vick was completing community service/ name rehabilitation duties for his dogfighting conviction, which he already served 18 months for starting in 2007. As if his sentence hadn't sufficed, this week's service was especially ironic: Vick had to lecture kids in Connecticut on the ills of dog-fighting. Yes, Connecticut.

Now, DBSF hasn't seen the most recent data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics, but its probably safe to say that children of hedge fund managers, partners of corporate law firms, and the occasional, liberal political science professor (family already had money) likely don't represent the typical animal-abuser.

Sure some salmon or trout were harmed on father-son fly-fishing trips in British Columbia and the occasional Kennebunkport box turtle was left in the trunk of a 7-series for two too many hours, but the fact that the current MVP of the NFL has to spend time during the season lecturing the Wesleyan and Bates class of 2016 on the dangers of dogfighting seems absurd.

Rape by Fraud

by: the Admiral

Court rules sex through use of fraud is not rape

A man who allegedly tricked his brother's girlfriend into having sex with him by impersonating his sibling in the middle of the night cannot be convicted of rape, the state's highest court ruled yesterday in a controversial decision that affirms the court's long-held view that sex obtained through fraud is no crime.

Looks like you are in the clear Lewis. Don Stan Gable’s Darth Vader mask, head to the moon bounce, and rape Betty Childs with impunity.

Carolina Panthers Field a Mediocre D-1 Team

After injuries decimated the QB position for the Carolina Panthers, it was announced this week that Brian St. Pierre will be taking over the helm at QB. If you can't pick Brian St. Pierre out of your cerebral card catalogue, it's not your fault. Unless you went to Boston College in the early 2000s or have the last name "St. Pierre" you probably never encountered the new Panther QB.

Between 2004 and 2009, St. Pierre has 5 career pass attempts (2 completions, a TD, a pic), negative one rushing yards, and a fumble that he picked up. In a vote of confidence Panthers' head Coach John Fox is quoted as saying “The guy has been in some games.” Fox means this literally. St. Pierre has played in two games; one above "game".

To further complicate matters, as of last week St. Pierre was stay-at-home dading so the speed and strength of the Baltimore Raves defense might come as a bit of a shock. In addition, the Panthers top 3 RBs are out with injuries, which means the ol' play action is pretty much off the table. As such, the odds makers have estimated the probability of a Panthers win this Sunday is more likely than "meteoric planetary annihilation", but slightly less likely than "Y2K bug disabling worldwide interweb."

Not So Subliminal Advertising

by: the Admiral

I don’t know what “MyTouch 4G” is, but I know that is has camel toe and that I want it for Christmas.

All-Time College Backfield?

Ronnie Brown and Carnell Williams going #2 and #5 overall, respectively, in the 2005 NFL draft both out of Auburn seemed aberrant. Then three years later Darren McFadden and Felix Jones went #4 and #22 overall, respectively, out of Arkansas. Also in that same draft--although on day two--McFadden and Jones's fullback, Peyton Hillis, went as the 20th pick in the 7th round to the Denver Broncos.

While in college McFadden (4.6K yards, 40+TDs, threw a couple too) and Jones (3K yards, 23 TDs) considerably outperformed Hillis (960 yards, 23 TDs, and played one more year than both) statistically. But, in their third year in the NFL Hillis has run for about 500 yards less than McFadden, and 200 less than Jones but has two less TDs (16) than McFadden and Jones combined.

This season after taking over starting RB for the Browns, Hillis is having a career year averaging over 80 yards and 1 TD per game. Compare that to Jones (40 ypg, 0 TDs) and McFadden (108 ypg, 0.6 TD per game), and Hillis isn't looking so bad for a seventh rounder. With McFadden finally getting healthy (remember, McFadden in college = Adrian Peterson X Reggie Bush), Hillis emerging, and Jones continuing to contribute for the Cowboys, the 2007 Arkansas backfield was arguably the greatest college-pro line-up of the 21st century.

(Fortunately for Bronco fans, like DBSF, Wunderkind Josh McDaniels was able to determine Hillis's true value before the rest of the NFL and trade Hillis [plus a draft pick] this last off-season for Brady Quinn, who is allergic to completions and has a fetish for throwing interceptions.)

Lost Complaint Form

by: the Admiral

While moving to a new building the city of Santa Monica government offices found this in the back of an old file cabinet.

CITY OF SANTA MONICA

HOUSING AUTHORITY

DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT FORM

1. Person(s) allegedly discriminated against.

NAME: Jacob “Jack” Tripper

ADDRESS: 123 Ocean Avenue, Apt. 201, Santa Monica, CA 90211

CAN BE REACHED AT: Jack’s Bistro

2. Others living at same address.

NAME: Christmas Snow

CAN BE REACHED AT: Regal Beagle

NAME: Janet Wood

CAN BE REACHED AT: Santa Monica Florist

3. Person(s) filing complaint, if different than above.

NAME: Lawrence Dalliapoulos, a.k.a Larry Dallas

ADDRESS: 123 Ocean Avenue, Apt. 301, Santa Monica, CA 90211

CAN BE REACHED AT: Santa Monica Used Cars Emporium

4. Please explain your relationship to person(s) identified in #1.

Jack Tripper is my downstairs roommate. He is also my best friend. I sell used cars, but Jack never cockblocks when I tell ladies that I am Doctor Larry Dallas.

5. Please check the basis on which you believe a Santa Monica based landlord has discriminated and the type of discrimination you allege occurred with brief explanation.

Disability

Age

Sexual Orientation: My friend Jack is living in fear that he will be outed as a heterosexual. Our landlord, Mr. Stanley Roper, has threatened to evict Jack for not being gay.

Gender

Race

6. Please provide contact info for discriminating landlord.

NAME: Stanley Roper

SPOUSE: Helen Roper

ADDRESS: 123 Ocean Avenue, Apt. 101, Santa Monica, CA 90211

SUSPECTED REASON FOR DISCRIMINATION: Possibly gay

7. Please tell us as clearly as possible how the alleged discrimination happened. Identify the person(s) involved. Provide names of anyone who can corroborate these claims.

Mr. Roper has regularly discriminated against my friend, Jack Tripper, on the basis of his sexual orientation. Specifically, he has threatened to illegally evict Jack for not being gay. Hetero-persecution in this day and age makes me sick. Jack can’t even bring Lana back to his own place for fear of retribution from Mr. Roper. On another occasion I needed a wingman at the Regal Beagle so I could bag one of these Swedish twins; everything was going great until Mr. Roper walked in and Jack had to start gaying it up for him. I personally have not been discriminated against by Mr. Roper for being straight, but I figure it’s just a matter of time until this building is all gay, which is a shame because there is some nice tail here.

The Big 3 = The Big 2 + Chris Bosh

After tonight's loss to the Celtics the Miami Heat are now 5-4, or a half a game above the Cavaliers. If the Heat were a stock, they would be Bear Sterns circa November 2008. Despite the doom and gloom that prognosticators are likely to toss their way, in a matter of months the Heat will mesh and--DBSF believes--prove to be formidable in the East (although not perhaps the 4-peat champions some had guessed).

But, even when the Heat do finally come together, there are two blatant weaknesses the team must address. First, their starting PG is Carlos Arroyo. Watching him try to guard Rajon Rondo qualifies as a low-grade crime against humanity, like youtubing "guy + bear trap + nuts + closes on".

For those who don't pay much attention to the NBA, Arroyo didn't play in the league last year. And, he didn't play in one of the Spanish, or other European premier leagues either. Rather, Arroyo took the year off to play in Israel. Now Israel's a wonderful country, but its professional basketball system is reserved for rich kids who played D-III ball and refuse to accept that their non-career is over.

Now, if you're thinking DBSF is being overly critical of Arroyo, he isn't. Keep in mind that Arroyo looks like a Puerto Rican Paul Walker, makes 7-figures, and has front row seats to Heat games every night. He's like Justin Bieber at a suburban middle school, but he's supposed to slay.

Perhaps the bigger problem for the Heat is their lack of size, and of any post-presence. Apparently, Chris Bosh, a 6'10" two-guard, who they put at the four has confused a certain hockey rule about the goalie crease with the paint in basketball. He looks at it, he knows its there, but he is deathly afraid of ever entering it. Is there an allergy the team needs to know about, Chris?

You see this summer's Big 3 fiasco should have really been about LeBron joining DWade. Chris Bosh put up big points on a bad team (he only made the playoffs twice in his 7 years in Toronto). Anyone who was shocked that Bosh isn't putting up 24 ppg and 12 rpg every night was also likely surprised that Scottie Pippen's Trailblazer experience wasn't the same as life with Jordan. If throwing together a bunch of good players from bad teams created dynasties then the Washington Bullets would have been the greatest organization of the 1990s.

As DBSF is inclined to quantitative metrics, there is one that illustrates Bosh's biggest weakness with the Heat--his inability to rebound. Most people look at rebounds per game (rbg), and since Bosh over the last two years has finished 6th in rebounds per game they would surmise that he should be help the Heat where he actually hurts them the most.

Fortunately for stat nerds, there is a metric called "Total Rebounding Percentage" which is an estimate of the percentage of available rebounds a player grabbed while on the floor. Through his career Bosh has hovered around 15%. This season with the Heat he is at 10.3%. Compare him to some of his equals in the East. Kevin Garnett's career has been around 17% and this season he is almost at 18.5%. Dwight Howard is over 20% (as he is for his career). Other, less notable names in the East this season? Joakim Noah (21.5%), Andray Blatche (14.4%), Luc Mbah a Moute (13.1%), Tyler Hansbrough (13.9%).

If you're still reading this, this suggests that--at least based on the first month of the season--the Heat are in a precarious position, especially considering that they have to bang with the bigs from Orlando and Boston if they want to lose to the Lakers in June. As for the Carlos Arroyo issue? It's Models' night at Cameo, so he's alllll good.

DBSF Veteran's Day Tribute: Like Ron Mexico, but Not like Ron Mexico

Many distinguished veterans of the armed services have played collegiate and professional football--Roger Staubach, and Dwight D. Eisenhower represent perhaps the most prominent. Contemporaneously, none compare to James Connolly, long-snapper extrodinaire of the Maryland Terrapins and Catholic U. Cardinals football teams.

Few student athletes manage to play college football for a decade. This is primarily the case because of an esoteric NCAA-imposed student athlete term limit (4 years). Connolly, however, like Ron Mexico, took an 18 (give or take a few years) month hiatus from football. But, where Mexico's sabbatical was state imposed for improper kenneling, Connolly left football to clear road bombs in Mesopotamia.

In his return, Connolly's long-snapping has been so phenomenal that DBSF over-heard a top Old Dominion Athletic Conference scout say, "That Connolly's something special. I haven't seen a long-snapper get the ball to the punter so fast since, oh that, uh number 57 or 59 or 52 was it that played on oh, that darkish light jerseyed team a few years back or so or more." So, this Veteran's Day--which you will likely celebrate by taking a floating holiday on January 2nd after you impetuously parlay new year's into a two-day bender--DBSF would like you to honor the "Blumpkin of Bowie", James Connolly.

Lost in the Hype

With the New Big 3 going to Miami, Big Shaq going to play with the Old Big 3 and Big Baby, and the excitement surrounding the soaring Thunder and Blake Griffin's arrival in LA, a couple exceptional players have fallen under the NBA's hype-radar. There are many measures of players' success, but one that has become more accepted (especially in international basketball) has been the player efficiency rating. Click on the link if you want the details but it basically rewards players for doing something right and penalizes them for doing something wrong. (So, for the Ricky Davis and Wally Szczerbiak's of the world the PER exposes those 19 shots to score 15 points as not that impressive.)

Currently the top 3 PER players are Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, and Pau--I don't need the "l"--Gasol. Superstars, of course. But, DBSF would like to call your attention to numbers 4 (Al Horford), 6 (Luis Scola), and 8 (Paul--thank you very much, I will use that "l"--Millsap). To give you some perspective DWade is 5, Kobe is 7 and Bron Bron isn't even in the top 15.

Look at it another way. Horford, in 30 minutes a night, is shooting over 65%, scoring over 17 points per game (ppg), and grabbing over 10 boards per night (rbg). Not to mention, he's averaging 3 assists (apg) as a center. Paul Millsap is shooting a pathetic 60% but is making up for it with 20.3 ppg, 11.2 rbg, 3.3 apg, and more than a steal a game. Luis Scola, who suffers from "the 3rd Kardashian anonymity because he plays in Houston and his game is so hustle-technical that he makes Tim Duncan look like JR Smith" is averaging 22.5 ppg, 12.3 rpg, and is shooting 52% from the floor. The seasons still young but all three are putting up numbers that merit a starting PF spot in the All-Star game.

Condoms: Two’s Company, Three’s an Arrest

by: the Admiral

Unbelievably, this is a true story. The DC Police have set up “Prostitution Free Zones” (PFZs) where women carrying 3 condoms can be arrested for prostitution under the following vague and ambiguous criteria.

This chart simplifies it a little; here are the just as ridiculous particulars of how ladies with 3 condoms can now be arrested for prostitution in our Nation's Capitol.

1) A woman is seen in a designated PFZ, proceed to #2.

2) This woman congregates with 1 or more people with no reasonable purpose or destination. If a police officer, who isn’t even involved in the congregants’ conversation, decides without any objective criteria that the congregating is not reasonable, proceed to #3.

3) The female and congregators are told that they are in a PFZ and must disperse (whether they are prostituting, just talking to a friend, or trying to give it up for free) within a “reasonable” time. If the officer decides the dispersing time is not reasonable, again with no objective criteria, proceed to #4.

4) If the police officer sees the woman again, he is automatically allowed to search her, and upon finding out that she is carrying 3 or more condoms, she is ARRESTED FOR PROSTITUION.

When I first read this article I thought it was something from theonion.com, but apparently PFZs are popping up all over the city. There are so many things wrong here. Let’s take them one at a time.

1) You must be seen in a PFZ. The problem is that while the DC Government website posts the location of PFZs, I doubt that many females while doing their hair and makeup getting ready to head to the District bars want to spend time downloading APPS for their iPhones ensuring that they do not cross imaginary lines where their civil liberties evaporate. And even if they do take the time to check, there is another huge problem; I have a decent sense of direction, but trying to read just a sample of some current PFZ zones makes my head spin. (See below)

Boundaries of Prostitution Free Zones:

Starting at the northwest corner of the zone at the intersection of the eastern curbline of 2nd St NE and the northern curbline of L St NE, proceeding eastward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the eastern curbline of 4th St NE, proceeding southward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the southern curbline of K St NE, proceeding westward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the western curbline of 3rd St NE, proceeding southward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the southern curbline of Parker St NE, proceeding westward along the curbline to the intersection of the curbline and the eastern curbline of 2nd St NE, proceeding northward to the starting point.

Starting at the northwest corner of the zone at the intersection of the curb line on the west side of Barnaby St., SE and the curb line on the north side of Wheeler Rd., SE, proceed east along the curb line on the north side of Wheeler Rd., SE to the intersection on the south curb line of Southern Ave., SE. Proceed south to the intersection of the curb line on the south side of 9th St., SE. Proceed northwest along the curb line on the south side of 9th St., SE to the intersection of the curb line on the west side of Barnaby St., SE and the curb line on the south side of 9th St., SE. Proceed north finally returning to the starting point.

Starting at the northwest corner of the zone at the intersection of the curbline on the west side of M.L. King, Jr. Ave., SE and the curbline on the north side of Lebaum St., SE, proceed east along the curbline on the north side of Lebaum St., SE to the intersection on the east curbline of 7th St., SE. Proceed south to the intersection of the curbline on the south side of Raleigh Pl., SE. Proceed west along the curbline on the south side of Raleigh Pl., SE to the intersection of the curbline on the west side of M.L. King, Jr. Ave., SE and the curbline on the south side of Raleigh Pl., SE. Proceed north finally returning to the starting point.

I see the word “curbline” a few hundred times and then a bunch of words jumbled together that I can’t map in my head. It’s like watching wrestling on Telemundo; “Spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish HULK HOGAN, spanish spanish spanish spanish RANDY MACHO MAN SAVAGE spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish MEAN GENE OKERLAND spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!!”

2) A woman congregates with 1 or more people with no apparent reason or destination. The Problem: Have you ever seen Adams Morgan after last call? Besides the few drunks intent on making it to Jumbo Slice or ORIGINAL Jumbo Slice, or THE REAL ORIGINAL Jumbo Slice, most people are just congregating with no official purpose except to sober up their drunk designated driver, peruse for free non-prostitute sex, or to be drunk, stammer around, and babble to anyone that will listen. All of which moves you on to Step 3.

3) After the DC Police disperses (cockblocks or the female equivalent) you, then you have a reasonable amount of time to disappear. Again ladies, you have one friend on a Grail Quest to get a Jumbo slice, one who is stalking her X-boyfriend’s new girlfriend in an attempt to start a fight, your designated driver is throwing up on Q street, and another friend left her purse and phone at Madam’s Organ. So if you can’t round up this rag tag gaggle of skanky ladies and get passed the imaginary curbline discussed earlier then you are moving onto Step 4 and are eligible for search.

Calling all sluts. Hurry up!!! DISPERSE!!!!!

4) Now, if you get to this stage and you are searched, you will be arrested for prostitution if you are carrying 3 or more condoms. Now, Miss Manners may claim it is unladylike to carry 3 condoms, but I can imagine at least 20 scenarios where this is reasonable thing for a woman to do. Some of the scenarios are not flattering and while many women who need 3 condoms for one night on the town are likely to appear on Maury Povich at some point in their life, this does not make them prostitutes. BUT, the #1 reason why it’s perfectly reasonable to be carrying 3 condoms is so obvious that it makes this police practice laughable. CONDOMS COME IN PACKS OF THREE!!!

Real Life Hypothetical Scenario – Sally Barhop Goes to Jail

So, Sally Barhop, you are oblivious to the DC Prostitute Free Zones, dress in your normal Saturday night skank uniform and head into the District. Unknowingly and unluckily you end up at a bar inside and imaginary curbline on whatever street is now in the crosshairs of D.C. police.

The night continues on like most of your Saturday nights with your galpals; binge drinking, catfights, bumping and grinding on the dance floor, puking while Jenny Barhop holds your hair, then going back to the dance floor pukebreathed you make out with the first greasy slimebag that notices your roofieesque state. You then wander outside the club to get fresh air, forget why you are outside and where you friends are, and decide to start a conversation with the handsome gentlemen spending his Saturday night on the curb outside said club waiting for you (or any of the 100 clones that will come out after you).

Slutty Girls Do it For Free

Everything is normal up to this point until Joe Cop spots you speaking to this man within the confines of the Prostitute Free Zone and immediately cockblocks Johnny Sidewalk by informing you both that you are in said PFZ and must disperse. Neither you or Johnny Sidewalk are ready to give up on this budding romance so you both wander around looking for your friends to tell them you “have a ride” only to end up doing a full circle around the block, first stopping at CVS for a 3 pack of Trojan Ribbed.

Joe Cop sees you two again as you round the corner and under D.C. Law is now perfectly within his authority to perform his condom search. By my count you have just met requirements 1, 2, 3, and 4 under the D.C. Prostitution Free Zone laws.

So the described Saturday night scenario that would normally only end in a morning walk of shame for you to the nearest Metro station with a broken heel and shattered self worth, will now result in a trip to the local police station with a criminal charge that your parents will be oh so proud of. Oh well, they weren’t that proud of you anyway.

“Officer I swear, I’m not a prostitute, I’m just slutty.”

Jumping the Shark Quickie – Blossom

by: the Admiral

Jumping the Shark
The beginning of the end for a television program where the plot spins off into absurd story lines and ridiculous characterizations. The term refers to the episode of Happy Days where Fonzi literally jumped a shark.

In January of 1991 while the international community was distracted by the atrocities of Saddam Hussein and the first Persian Gulf War, the Admiral was concerned with a bigger tragedy beaming onto our television sets week after week. In my opinionation, that catastrophe was Blossom.

It didn’t take very long for Blossom to jump the shark. After in depth analysis I knew that the Jumping the Shark Moment would not be any later than Episode 2, “Blossom Blossoms,” where Blo gets her period. Upon much reflection and research I decided that this show actually jumped the shark in Season 1, Episode 1 with the introduction of the title character.

While we all liked Joey and loved Six, the travesty that is Blossom Russo ensured this show jumped the shark before its first commercial break (which in 1991, was probably for Hypercolor Tshirts).

I did not make this decision lightly and wanted to ensure an objective, not an emotional, analysis. So to ensure objectivity I played f*ck, marry, kill with Six, Blossom, and Joey. Six was the slam dunk f*ck, but when, as a straight guy, I was willing to marry Joey Lawrence just to ensure I could kill Blossom, I knew I made the right choice.

Whoa!! Blossom really sucks!!

The Motor City Miracle of the Canadian Football League

Canadian football seems to be sweeping the nation. With its basketball court end zones, 8 teams (yeaaahhh! everyone makes the playoffs . . . how Canadian), and the 55 yard line DBSF thought it appropriate to jump on the bandwagon and offer commentary on perhaps its most infamous play for those still unfamiliar with the game.



Okay, so the non-Expo/ Blue Jay Montreal team is playing Toronto. They're going to kick a field goal, and the holder was wise to line-up just left of the gigantic Wendy's sign.

The other option is to go for the mysterious one-pointer, which's existence is dubious at best. So the kicker goes wide ten yards but fortunately for him in the end zone that also serves as a high school lacrosse field on weekdays, one of the twelve players (no penalty for that twelfth, its standard) on the other team decides he's going to Devin Hester it.

As fate would have it if Devin Hester were Canadian his name would be something like Hunter Smith, so Devin-cum-Hunter has to punt it back out.

Inevitably upon receiving Devin's punt-punt return, somebody who looks like Jason Elam has to reciprocate and punt it back at Canadian Devin. Devin then goes Ronaldinho and tries to ground kick it to God knows who.

Eventually someone falls on Canadian Devin's second kick of the quarter minute, and the Canadian Football League (CFL) reminds every American that the CFL is like normal football with a Dungeons and Dragons amount of rules.

NBA Tweeting Bonanza

The hype over the he-said/ he-said Charlie Villanueva-Kevin Garnett Tweeter feud in one day has grown from blogging content to quasi-journalistic internet reporting. Hopefully, there was a misunderstanding and Garnett didn't say what Villanueva thought he heard.

But, in an era of instantaneous communication DBSF thought it appropriate to review tweets to give readers some understanding of its prevalence and use in the NBA.

Al Harrington, Denver Nuggets, F: (9:32pm) "Worst part about plyng w/ Melo and JR? They shoot when I want too"

Chris Bosh, Miami Heat, F: (4:02pm) "Scoring 30+ a game was much more feasible when Demar Derozen and Jarrett Jack were the other options"

Chris Paul, NO Hornets, G: (3:39pm) "4-0 on a team where DJ Mbenga plays 10 minutes a night? DJ couldn't play on Duke. Give me LeBron and Bosh we'll win the Title and the NFC West."

Hasheem Thabeet, Memphis Grizzlies, C: (8:09pm/ in-game Tweet) "Oh God, please God, don't let them call my name. Please, don't have them put me in the game. Keep me safe here on the bench."

OJ Mayo, Memphis Grizzlies, G: (8:15pm/ another Grizzlies in-game Tweet) "Yo, coach said somethin' 'bout set a pick then box out; all I hurd wuz shoot, shoot, and shoot again. Word."

Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs, C: (10:27pm) "Frankly, I don't understand a darn thing JR Smith says on the court."

Nick Young, Washington Wizards, G: (1:01pm) "All my peoplz. Why can't basketball be like football? Some mans be playin' offense, some playin' defense. I ain't tryin to scuff my shoes playin' D and chasin' people all aroun'"

Lance Stephenson, Indiana Pacers, G: (9:09pm) "So, how does the D-League thing work? Do they tell you, or do you show up to the arena one day and your name isn't above your locker? I'm feeling vulnerable."

AC Trip Report 1

by: the Admiral

ACTRO starts with the following 6 characters.

Me

My friends

Douchebag and his date

Cab valet

We’ll pick up the trip around 11pm after the concert three of us attended at the Music Box at the Borgata. After the show we had gambling to do, but the cab line at the Borgata was 90 minutes long. I told my cohorts that we would get the next cab, which was met with skepticism. I walked to the front of the line to speak to the valet.

“The next cab is mine.”

“It is?”

“Absolutely!”

“Sure thing, sir.”

I’m sure my male readers are thinking I used a Jedi mind trick to make this happen and you ladies are sure my rugged good looks and boyish charm were the key. These two options only work 35% and 90% of the time respectively, so I went with the very popular and always effective $20 bill. It’s always great to skip long lines, but I really got my money's worth from this transaction when the guy on a date that WAS at the front of the line enters the story.

whiny, douchey voice: “REALLY? COME ON MAN!!! I'M NEXT.”

I wanted to say something right away, but held back since the valet jumped in and embarrassed him for me…..

"Yeah, you are NEXT, after this guy and his friends, IF you stand behind that line and wait. Or you can go the back of the line if you want."

So I waved over, and the 3 of us loaded into the cab. Once in the cab I did give douchey date guy my best “sucks to be you” look, but when I wasn’t sure if it landed I switched to a very audible…..

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your date.”

Too dumbfounded to respond and afraid of being put at the back of the line he stood there defeated. But if the Karate Kid taught me anything it is that “Mercy is for the Weak” so I decided to kick him while he was down. I turned to the date and said…

"I wouldn't have made you wait an hour for a cab if you were my date, but I'm sure he's a great guy. You kids have fun tonight."

While the loser was now flustered, uncomfortable, and upset, the date gave me and my cohorts the “please take me with you” look. We then sped off so I didn’t see the awkward moment that had to have followed between these two, but odds are not looking good that douchebag date guy got laid on Saturday night.

If anyone thinks I come off as an a*hole in this story I should let you know that the guy was wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt absolving me from anything negative you have to say and confirming that he got what he deserved.

I won’t go into too many specifics today, but the rest of the evening was spent finding out if I was better at really, really drunk blackjack or blackout poker. It was done very scientifically using the following scientific methodology.

1) Got really, really drunk

2) Played blackjack for a few hours, continued to drink

3) Got blackout drunk

4) Switched to poker

I won $5 in the first half of the experiment and lost $500 in the second.

So, I can say, scientifically, that I’m better at really really drunk blackjack than I am at blackout poker. Next trip I will play poker first to see if I’m better at really really drunk poker or blackout blackjack.

That’s all for today. AC Trip Report #2 will either be specifics of my blackout poker battle against 9 Vietnamese dudes entitled “My Own Personal Vietnam” or the yet untitled 13 ways to almost, but not quite, get escorted by security from Bally’s. If you want one, the other, or neither, let me know in the comments below.